Terrible dream

I had a heated exchange with a friend, and things got nasty. I forgot what happened, or what the fight was about.

Nothing physical, but more verbal exchanges and insults were thrown at one another. At one point I just went silent, the way I get when I’m upset. But my friend continued, chiding and provoking me, trying to get me to respond, trying to get me to “loose it”. There were other friends around us, and they tried to calm us both, to stop the escalation.

Then this friend said something that really hurt me to the core. Alluding to the fact that I travel a lot, that I’m never home, and that I travel all the time for fun.

I broke down. I thought this friend understood me, knew me, knew my life. I thought he was understanding enough to know that I don’t travel for fun. At least not mainly for fun… I thought of my mum, thought of the painful moments watching her in hospital, waiting with her for results like waiting for a death sentence to be passed down. I thought of mum’s ordeals, her depressions, and my attempts to soothe her, to make her feel good about herself despite the circumstances she’s facing… those moments are not fun. How can anyone be so insensitive as to accuse me of travelling and flying around just to “have fun”?

I broke down, hit the floor and grabbed my stomach. I felt sick, nauseated, and tears poured out of me.

It was then I shook awake, and realised I was breathing very, very hard. I felt so terribly hurt, so terrible lonely and saddened. My heavy breathing continued, until I calmed down little by little…

Outside, rain was pouring down.