Night before departure

Suitcases are packed, and just about to go to sleep. This 12 day trip to Europe is almost over. What began with a sad, depressing note eventually turned out to be a rather relaxing visit. I remember dreading coming back here, I remember trembling and feeling so painfully anxious as I boarded the plane across the Atlantic, as if somehow I knew I was coming back to a sad, sad event. But as with so many things one dreads and avoids facing, things did not turn out as terribly as I had imagined.

I lost someone dear, someone who I would ritualistically visit and call whenever I am in the Netherlands... someone I will really miss talking to and seeing whenever I am home here, because she is one of the very few things that still make this place feel "home". But despite that loss, most important of all, I got to meet and say goodbye to Carmen one last time, and she wanted me to be one of the coffin bearers, which was a great honour. She considered me her family, alongside her brothers, her own son, and alongside my brother and a friend of his. We were all dear to her heart, because of all the people she knew and met throughout her life, she chose her to carry her on that final journey into the crematorium... I somehow felt a sense of pride, belonging, pain and being emotionally touched all at once.

Other than that, things with my brother are pretty smooth, and we have been enjoying dinners together almost daily, and talking more than before. I think in difficult times, it is good to be there for one another, as support, as sibling, as family. And today being his 30th birthday, we went out to a nice Thai restaurant and enjoyed a good meal. We talked, and I can feel he is especially concerned about mum's wellbeing, especially after what happened to Carmen. He admitted that Carmen felt like a second mother to him, who was there whenever he needed advice and help, and who even travelled to attend his graduation ceremony. He said he was touched by the many acts of kindness and care she has shown him throughout the years, and for the last week or so has been lying awake at night, unable to sleep, and thinking about her... Coupled with mum's health and the fact that she's doing chemo, it's a heavy burden to carry. I know it well...

And again, at the end of this trip, I can look back at the things I have done, the people I have visited and spoken with, the places I have passed by and that have left an impression on me and feel like there is a good closure. No regrets, no sadness or confusion about leaving. Perhaps because I know I may be back here soon.

But it may be because I know I did the best I could in the circumstances, and there is nothing to be sad about when I board that plane tomorrow.