The sun shone, bright and dazzling through my windows. Gone was the storm from last night, gone were the heavy drops of rain that pounded the ceiling and insides of my heart.
I got out my jogging shoes, and sprinted towards the forest to try to cleanse my body. My head was still dizzy from not having slept much last night. My mind was troubled, flighty, and distracted by thoughts of Carmen and her family.
I had actually gotten up at midnight and started to write a letter to her daughter. The other day when I saw her, she seemed calm, but then her brother told me aside that she is reacting terribly to the whole situation. And her mum's death must be a climax to top off the brooding pain and hurt inside.
It's not a long letter, just one sharing my experience of death and losing someone dear. Every death is different, and everyone reacts differently to it, I wrote, but important is to let the raw emotions out. Let the tears out, let the mourning begin, let the memories flood out with the tears and longing. The smile, words and scent of the person we loose are all within us, are all part of us, in our deeds and thoughts. Write, draw, paint, scream, talk... get the feelings out somehow, and eventually, as with all things in this universe, it will all pass.
I have not yet sent the letter.
In a way I am afraid of sending it, for fear of hurting the daughter even more. As I was writing, I thought to myself: "Who am I to imagine what she is feeling? Who am I to tell her what she should do with the loss of the most important person in her life?" Mourning is so personal, so unique in every sense...
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