Farewell, Formosa

Mum must be asleep by now, as it is past eleven in the evening. She usually sleeps early, at least tries to, though when I’m around her sleep time is delayed often by last minute talking and fiddling about. On the way to the airport, mum said she always misses me the first few days that I am gone. She gets so used to me being around, and then suddenly I leave, leaving an emptiness in the big house.

I guess I can imagine how that must feel like. I leave home now, but this time it does not seem so bad. I hugged her tightly, twice, and stroked her back softly. In my mind I quietly wished her peace and happiness, and told her out loud to take good care of herself. I will return soon, in two months time. It seems short, but it can also be a long time too.

This trip home, to Taiwan, has been eventful. Though I did not get to see mum move to her new house (in fact, the renovations have yet to take place, after a month or so of delays…), but I did pack some things up into boxes for her. Not much, but important things… things that otherwise might be too difficult for her to pack, because of the memories and the stories behind the pictures, letters, and memorabilia. Especially those in dad’s room. I told her to wait for me and/or brother to return before moving the big things. I hope she will wait, and not exhaust herself too much.

The trip with my friends was enjoyable, despite some of the tensions that surrounded us and clouded my mood at times. I guess I wanted to plan and have the ‘perfect’ trip… but didn’t realise how difficult it is to coordinate the times, minds and whims of four people. I don’t know about them, but I got to see parts of Taiwan’s nature, culture and people that I never realised lay so close beneath the surface, and I feel there is so much more there is to discover, to explore and to learn about my own home. This feeling is somehow mixed with the gloomy thought and hearsay that I have encountered about Taiwan’s demise, about China’s rise and zealous ambition to swallow the island and its people whole no matter what. The current political situation, with the Chinese Nationalists back in power again and cozying up with the Chinese Communists, is extremely perilous for Taiwan’s future, and the fate of its people, and their desire for independence and freedom from pepertual colonialism. Perhaps, this island, and its people is destined, despite of or maybe because of its beauty and riches, to be an lonely child with many parents as claiming to have an interest in the child’s welfare.

And, perhaps the most painful of all, next to learning and living with mum’s illness, is watching my friend fade slowly away in the hospital. I’ve been to see him three or four times, and every time he gets weaker and weaker, like a fragile flame that can be blown out at any moment without notice. I cried for him, because it pains me so to watch a fellow human being suffer, to watch a friend I know, though perhaps not well enough, slowly, but seemingly steadily drift in his morphine-dazed state of mind, towards death.
I wrote him a card, wishing him the best, happiness, peace, and most important of all, wishing that he can let go, and let Dharma take its natural course. It is only ever so much.

So here I sit, next to the conveyor belt at Gate C4, ready to board, ready to leave home to go back home. Thank you Formosa, thank you friends and family, for your care, for your being there, and for making me feel welcome every time. Most of all, for making me feel at home.