Departing for Canada

Sitting alone at the terminal building. Gate D7, and not a passenger in sight. This is not my gate, but with almost two hours to spare, I wandered through the airport looking for a place to settle. Settle for a few moments before I get up, leave and fly far, far away.

This trip home is about to end. And it is with confused feelings that I leave. In the final hours at home, I felt frustrated, lost, confused and feel the race of time against me. The more the time ticks away, the more I feel I may have missed something. And the feelings of helplessness, of loss, of defeat sweeps over.

I notice it is a terrible pattern of pre-departure blues which brings the mood at home down to a low point. I try to resist, to control my frustrations, frustrations that I think are related with my inability to really let go. But it is hard. As I took my last bath before leaving, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. Calm my mind, calm my spirit, and try to reassure myself that I can go on, that I can leave without leaving a bit of me behind.

The day has been long, and tiring. A morning of rain and fierce winds we braved as we rode to pay our respects to dad in Jinshan. I felt overwhelmed as I held those incense sticks and spoke to dad in my heart. I told him to take care, to be happy, to be free, to take good care of himself, to eat well and dress well, and to look after mum. Words and wishes as if he were there right next to me. Only, unspoken words, words of such deep affectiong and care. I felt my vision blur as the tears threatened to spill.

Later at the airport, I would hug my mum, again, and again, and again until the last moment before entering the restricted area. I could see her eyes moisten, and perhaps my brother's eyes were not dry either. So many departures, so many times I have had to say goodbye at the same spot. When I was young, I used to cry. No, I used to bite my tongue and hold the tears in until after I entered those glass doors. Then I would quicklu walk into a corner and shed those heavy tears. But today, as I held onto mum, in my heart I silently wished her well. Wished that she would be happy, be care-free, be healthy, be able to move on and find strength to live without worry and fear.

For that is what I wish for her. Nothing more. And with that I can make peace and leave... leave home, in order to go home.