Dream, dad, dream

I opened my tired eyes. Warm all around me, the blanket that dad used to used. I lay in bed, visions of dad still fresh in my mind...

Another dream of dad. And like usual, I wake up suddenly with a sense of missing and longing. Dad is really gone, and even if I see him now and then in my dreams, he is really gone.

But dad's scent, dad's smile, dad's voice still lingers, as it lingered in my dream this morning. We were alone, walking in an empty street, sometime at dawn. As often when we are together, we were silent, but then again sometimes words are unnecessary. I felt close to him, and our footsteps were in sync. When I was little, I would always look at his feet and try to adjust my own footsteps to match his, even if it meant having to slightly skid and hop uncomfortably. But now that I have grown bigger, it wasn't necessary any more. Our footsteps and strides seemed to so naturally match.

I took a look at his face, and see the same dad that I still remember. That same haircut, those same energetic eyes and brows, and the same posture. He caught me looking at him, and he returned the look with a small smile. A smile that seemed to say, as he used to do before in those rare moments of affection, that he was proud of me. Proud of me, and of what I am doing.

We said nothing, but deep down inside I felt a sense of gratitude, love and affection that I never could say to him outright, and only managed to write down in words in my letters. I never could be sure if he read those letters...

Somehow, he went ahead of me, and before I knew it, was gone. I was left, alone, in the empty street, surrounded by towering buildings that blocked out ths sunright. And it suddenly felt so cold.

I told mum about the dream, and she wasn't sure whether it was a good or bad thing. I think it's a good thing, I said, because it shows how deep inside me dad's presence (and now his absence) still influences me. It shows, in a warming but at the same time sardonic and sad way, that he is still very much my dad. Even if it means that I sometimes wake up crying in the middle of the night, with nothing to hold onto but his blanket....