I sit and stare out the window. I should be doing work, should be trying to finish off my deadlines, but I can’t. I can’t concentrate and can’t read anything without the angry voices and disgusted faces echoing in my mind.
Once again, I feel so lost, such disappointment and disbelief at the surrealness of it all, the best way to describe it is feeling ‘numb’. They say if you get hurt time and time again, you become numb. Maybe this is what I’m feeling now.
The family you grew up with, the family you had hoped and prayed and wished at every single birthday would one day be peaceful and happy, fighting and breaking again and again before your eyes… Love, understanding, compassion and respect… so little there is to speak of. Instead, anger, suspicion, soiled memories and ill-wishes seem to dominate and triumph. I sit here, defeated and beaten, exhausted and dreading to fight another battle against the uneasiness and fakeness of it all.
I sit here and stare out the window, wondering whether and when I can love, and be loved back…
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