Family matters

Like a strange, foreign dream... one you could be shocked and disappointed to wake from at anytime.

I woke up this morning, to that disappointment and shock. One day after my birthday. Just one day... Like I feared, the peace and reconciliation made in the last few days were a sham, fragile and easily broken into thousands of pieces that can cut people deeply and hurt so bad.

Only last night, we were sitting around and talking in a calm manner about the future of this family. Dad promised that he would pass the deeds of the house we’re living in to me and my brother. We had all sat down together with financial advisers and notaries to draft up the plans in a way that would save a lot of taxes, and place the burden of the mortgage on my brother, so that my parents could focus on their pension plans.

Suddenly this morning, dad woke up in a terrible mood and began lashing out at everyone. Such hatred, such anger! Such intolerance and suspicion of everyone and every thing! Now he wants to have nothing to do with what we had talked about, saying that he trusts no one, and believes we’re all involved in a conspiracy against him. Most of all, he despises the fact that my brother’s girlfriend is living with us, and has this deep-seated and twisted idea that she is out to benefit from our assets. A ‘thieving rat’ he called her. Money, money, money… that’s what it’s all about. Money and how to get more of it, and how to protect it as much as possible so you can accumulate more and more. Nothing else seems to matter, especially not how other people feel, or the promises made or false hopes worked up. The fact that my brother and girlfriend have been together for almost two years and have plans to settle down together doesn’t matter. She’s conniving and plotting, eating and living for free, so she must be terrible. What a simple and tainted mind my dad has!

It’s all about money, all about property, all about distrust and conspiracies and misunderstandings. That’s all dad sees. He doesn’t see things as they are, just how it will benefit him or hurt him, and in his mind he thinks we’re all trying to cheat him. And he blames everyone, accuses everyone of the most ridiculous things.

He called me ‘soft’, and has this fear I would just give away my share of the house to my brother’s girlfriend for no reason. Earlier I told him about my plans to move out of the house as soon as I’m financially independent, and dad interpreted it to be me thoughtlessly abandoning my rights at home. I tried to explain to him that I can’t possibly live at home all my life, but he called me stupid and accused me of being blind of certain people trying to take advantage of me. Even the fact that I help my single-mum friend now and then came up in his tirade, because helping a single mother and baby “has no benefit”. Suddenly, being kind and being honest and treating everyone with courtesy and respect is a sin. I really can’t understand what kind of twisted world and sick ideas go around in his head…

I told him many, many times when he was diagnosed with liver cancer that sometimes in life it’s best to live happily and live well, and that everything else doesn’t really matter much when you leave this world. But he doesn’t listen, and still clings onto his ideas and misconceptions, anger and deep distrust of people like they matter more than anything else in the world. It’s been a year since I last saw him, and I was surprised how he has aged. His hair has drastically whitened on his head, his face become so haggered and wrinkled. Walking just a little bit makes him exhausted, and every few hours he needs medication to control his blood sugar levels. When you come to this stage in life, when you don’t know when you will ‘go’, why not live everyday with hope and with a light heart of compassion and kindness? Why go on being angry, having all this distrust and hatred bottled up deep inside, and cling onto money, money, money? How ill my dad is, how cold and heartless he is, that giving others the benefit of the doubt is such is not even possible any more… everything tainted with thoughts of money, money, money, benefit, profit and for me, me, me!

Whatever I try to say to him, however I try to smooth things out between people, however I try to appeal to common sense and emotions, it’s like he is resistant to my words. To me, it’s not really the money or the rights to the house that I care about. Of course dad has the right to decided where and to who his money goes… but why tear down the trust and good-will that has built over the past few days over nothing? Such a petty mind, a mind full of bad thoughts and bad karma…

I told him all I wanted is for people to get along peacefully and live happily without anger, without hatred. I told him how he has hurt and disappointed me, time and time again. He just walked away and closed the door behind him. As if closing the door can shut away all the trouble and grief he’s caused me by his sudden change of mind. As if closing the door can shut away the pain he has caused by his angry words and terrible temper…

I sat at the breakfast table, wondering what happened overnight that changed everything. I felt so bitter…so frustrated… I’m not angry at him, but just very, very disappointed. How can someone who is supposed to be so close be so distant? How can a loved one, your own dad, hurt and disappoint you time and time again?

What happened to my birthday wishes for everyone to get along peacefully and happily as I blew out the candles on the cake last night? What happened to those illusory hopes and promises of a better future together as a family and all those moments of sharing and bonding in the past few days?

Dead dreams. Broken hopes.

I buried my face in my hands, rubbed my sore eyes and aching head. Why…why this nightmare…?