Letting go

 5 Sep 2022

 "I know I must let go..." But letting go is the hardest of everything. It's the cause of tears, misery, pain, and such suffering.

The past few weeks I have been sorting out things throughout my apartment. Cupboards that I did not want to or dare to open, I needed to clear out. Drawers that were so full that papers crumpled whenever they are opened, I needed to empty and purge. And tote boxes, I have probably twenty of them now, in various corners of the house, all filling up and ready to be stored. For how long, I do not know.

What I do know that it's been such a long, grueling and painful process. Of sorting things, or tearing things and turning a blind eye to the significance of a past that at the time seemed so important, seemed more important than anything else, so that I can make that difficult decision of throwing it in the bin. Destined for the rubbish tip of history.

My friend came by and helped all this long weekend. I've been reluctant, but he kept on offering. I just feel "bad" bothering others, but I must learn to accept and reach out for help. For it has been so overwhelming that this evening, I broke down and sobbed.

Was it out of self-pity or just the fact that all these feelings have been bottled deep down inside and are welling up? I just could not hold it back. Memories of our times together, memories of our first moments together, the little gifts we have given each other, the kindness and love he has shown me, and continues to show me.

But sometimes, we need to realise, we are there for each other for a period of time in life, and those are the moments we will always have together. Those memories will always live on no matter what, even though at some point fantasies of a life together and of building something beautiful and magical together filled our senses and thoughts. 

We must realise that nothing is permanent, and all will grow, mature, fade, and eventually fade away.

It's more than just letting go. It's also learning to recognise and again facing the reality that some things are just temporary, and that everything will change. Pages have yellowed. Photographs have faded. Not all my clothes will fit me with age. And people will come and go. And I need to let go.

I must learn to let go. 

However painful, however difficult it all is, I must let go.