Woken up by anxiety

 

 I could hardly breathe.

There was this oppressive feeling on my chest, and it was not related to my recent battle with corona. I took a nap, as I am still feeling the sideeffects of fatigue and feeling feverish (without actually having a fever).

Then I felt it... This  heaviness on my chest that left me heaving and gasping for air. I felt this unrivaled sense of anxiety, this desperation and heaviness triggered by the pain of letting go, and the anxiety of not knowing what will happen next. I saw myself in a strange unfamiliar environment, feeling lost and isolate. I felt regret, and that nagging feeling of why I chose to embark on this journey, and sense of guilt of putting myself through all this.

This was a premonition, or at least it felt like it. Premonition of how it would be next month when I arrive all alone in Australia. I felt regret, and this immense sense of longing.

Perhaps it's all being triggered by the felt that I have begun packing away my things, and throwing away objects that I do not need. Earlier today, I asked the super to come and figure out whether the building or other neighbours could take some of the furniture so that I would not have to deal with them.

Packing is really one of the most stressful things. And I have so many things I need to shift and sort through, pack away, or throw away, before next month. Exact a month from now. And it is a very daunting task. 

My cousin was here, ostensibly to help me, as she told me prior to her arrival in April. But she left without really doing much, even though she said she would help with painting the walls and packing things away. It was very disappointing, as I thought finally I could have a family member help and be there to face the difficult task of sorting through so many personal effects and items. And I even supported her plan to improve English by enrolling her on an English course. But she has her own plans.

Perhaps this all is the trigger for those feelings that woke up up from my nap just now.
A wake up call that there is a lot more to do, and I must get moving.