Email

Email to a friend-in-loss

"But I imagine you can understand till this day, I am still deeply affected, and I imagine that you are too. Worst thing is I dont really have anyone I can share my feelings with, and there's not really anyone close with whom I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with. Even my brother I can't talk about these things because he's got his own life and family to think about and distract him.

I think I can understand what you mean by seeing the loss of mum as something negative... It really was the end of so much struggle, so much pain, and now I just feel empty. Empty!! Like there's a big void that used to be filled with worry, fears, hospital visits and praying at night, but now there's this uneasy quite which is so disturbing. 

And in this state of quiet, I can't find anything that  really matters, or at least, I can't think of anything that really matters or makes me passionate (except perhaps my kitty cat, and nephew.....!!).

I struggle a lot to get up and do anything, even to get to work in the morning. Struggle to motivate myself to plan for my future or do things that before were so important (like my bar exams....) Its like losing mum, I've lost that drive and life   , and I have lots of difficulty finding meaning or purpose...

Perhaps most difficult of all is feeling like I've lost the ability to feel, lost the ability to love. And what is a Pisces if we cannot feel, cannot love? It's as if most of the time I am like a fish flapping about on land when I should be swimming freely and beautifully in water... It's like a lot of the time I see myself gasping for air, but I don't remember the last time I can feel like I can breathe with ease..."