Sleeplessness

Three thirty in the morning. I am unable to sleep again, even though I just slept two hours or so. I don't know the reason exactly, but it may be out of fear of not waking up in time for my flight (and start of this exciting itinerary, "Tour of the People's Republics"...), and partly out of this lingering sense of defeatism I have been feeling since my exam yesterday morning.

Yes, I feel I royally did poorly. I don't know how. I just blanked out at one point for a few minutes and the question on paper said nothing to me. Two questions, worth thirty points in total were unanswered (one partly, but perhaps poorly...) Which means I already lost thirty points already. I need a fifty to pass, but it's still going to be very narrow. With some miracle, I may just scrape through, but I doubt it (being the pessimist I am...).

I don't know what happened. Perhaps I was just tired, exhausted from over a weeek of sleeping at irregular hours and trying to cram everything in at once. I studied hard, I tried so hard, and its all I  could have done. But maybe not hard enough? (It didn't help this "friend" told me a week earlier I wouldn't make it and won't be able to finish studying. How encouraging...) Maybe Im just not good enough; despite being so sleep deprived and feeling like I'm about to collapse because I'm just so tired. So very tired. I feel my body burning from exhaustion, and even putting my body through all that, I most likely failed the exam. And my stomach has been so upset over the past few days because of all the stress and tensions. No relief...

I knew the concepts, I knew the law, I had tonnes of notes, but I just couldn't make use of them. I just couldn't identify what the question was asking me and come up with a coherent answer. I just couldn't, at least not for the two questions I left blank...

I hate to have to repeat the exam again, especially as I already know I need to repeat one (Law of Evidence, this latest one I did was Property Law... ). What a blow it would be on my psyche and self esteem. But what could I do...?

I need to wake up at in half an hour. Just can't sleep. At least if I'm really tired, I could sleep across the Pacific. It's a way of coping with sitting on a cramped seat I guess.

What use is it to mull over defeat?
The exam was the way it was, right?
Perhaps its just not my year, as its been a rough few months since the beginning of the lunar New year, as the horoscope predicted

So is it really wise to be heading to countries of high risk, like the People's Republic s of China and North Korea...?

We shall find out.
And I say this with perhaps a foolish sense of bravadery, and  a hint of smugness, as if I'm trying to taunt fate by throwing cautions and numerous attempts by people to discourage me from going (and there have been many...) in the wind.