X Ray and scans

After over six hours of waiting, I was finally led to a room where they drew some blood samples. Six hours after entering emergency, they still could not and did not tell me what was wrong with me.

After another bout of waiting, i was told to follow some signs that led to the X Ray and scan area. I waited a bit more and finally the door slid open, and a lady beckoned me in.

I paused a bit when I stepped into the room. It looked so familiar. The equipment. The layout. The feel. The sight. The smell (even though there was none, except a slight sterile scent...).

The technician told me to stand and wait for further instructions. I stood and eyed the room. I felt this surge of emotions and tears overwhelm me.

I saw mum lying there on the bed... I saw tubes connected to her nose and to her thin, frail arms.... I saw her sunken cheeks, her bulging eyes, her weak smile. I saw mum lie there and try to brave a smile. I saw myself hold her hand and nod to her in a way to tell her that everything will be ok.

  I cried. The tears just burst out.

I turned around so the techncian , who was busy adjusting the equipment behind a big glass window, could not see me.

How familiar this all felt. How painfully familiar! How many times did mum go on her own to be probed and scanned? How many times did dad do it without me knowing? And here I am, all alone, Standing before this massive machine waiting to scan me, terrified and pain stricken, overwhelmed by memories and images. I was reminded of what happened several hours earlier when the check in nurse asked me who my emergency contact was. The first name and face that came to my mind was that of my ex. I hesitated, I thought more as the nurse looked at me perhaps wondering why it took me so long to answer a simple question. Finally, I gave another name. This is partly why I dread hospitals. They will ask you questions you do not wish to answer, you do not feel comfortable answering. They will confront you with the facts and realities that you cannot change... The fact that you are ill, the fact that you are in need of assistance, and the fact that you really are alone in the world and have no one you can turn to (except the kindness of strangers and compassion and professionalism doctors and nurses)  if you fall ill or die. 

There was no one else in the xray room but me. But my mind filled the room with moments that have long passed, filled it with people who too have long passed. 

the xray machine whirred and on a dsipay I  saw my name and date of birth. I saw the machine inch closer and then the technician bellowed and told me to stand in a certain position and not to move.

I breathed deep, even though it was exactly by doing that that hurt me the most, and held my breathe. The machine beeped and moved behind me. I closed my eyes and felt the tears drying.

"Deep breathe now.... Deep breathe....". I told myself. There is nothing and nobody else in the room but me. Deep breathe now. Deep breathe.

Be brave now. Be brave.