Deterioration

The continuing cold has really affected my health and recovery. Just before I left home last week, I seemed to be doing better. But somehow, I feel so much weaker than before, especially after the good rest and food I during my retreat in the mountains.

But I guess the traveling, which lasted over 72hrs, as I was transiting in three different cities and staying overnight in two of them, really put a strain on my body.

I woke up today with such a sore chest and terrible coughing. I lay in bed more and fell asleep again until a friend called and dropped by to give me a belated birthday package. It was a surprise, from my ex, and my first reaction was "He really shouldn't have...". There's a reason why o stayed away from home on my birthday, why I deliberately planned my trip so I wouldn't be home: I just didn't want people to go through all the trouble of throwing some party or feeling obliged to get me gifts and spending money on me, because frankly I really have all that I ever need. I opened the box, and it was the CD to the musical Once (twice...) Which he and I went to watch together. A musical about finding love in the most unlikely of circumstances and pursuing one's dreams. Is it just me whose minds reads too much into things...? And there was a special Star Trek edition of the game of Catan I so love playing. Last year I got a board game too. But to this day, I've not found the people or opportunity to play it, and I wonder when I will ever be able to use my gift... Soon, I hope. I do miss having people I can trust and whose company I enjoy, as I have been alone far too long.

I dragged myself out the house and off to work. -20C, with wind chill. I had difficulty breathing, and was panting by the time I got up the hill that nornallly didn't seem such a challenge, but today felt like it was robbing me of my life. The rest of the day, I struggled to breathe and felt chest pains.

When I decided to call it a day, I stopped by a colleague and she said I looked so horrible. She advised me to stay home. "You really should rest more and stop going in the cold...." She said it oit of real concern, and it somewhat echoed my wish to rest more, because I felt so exhausted, so physically heavy and lethargic, even from not doing much.

I kind of  feel bad, as Ive been away from the office for three weeks, and would feel guilty if I stayed away more. But I really cannot push myself and should not exert myself more than necessary, because I'm on my own here and nobody will come take care of me(like my aunt did...) if I were to fall terribly ill again.

And somehow, from the dizziness and chest pains,  I do feel like I'm heading toward  the way I felt two weeks ago when the  illness began to wreck havoc on my body...