Trying to remember

When I try to remember, my mind is blank. Can I picture her face, can I replay the sound of her voice or laughter? I fear with time I will forget her, because when I try to remember her, my mind is a terrible, terrible blank...

I wrote to a friend that this is more or less how I feel now. There are moments of terrible pain and indescribable feelings of loss. And then there are moments when life just goes on, as if she never existed-- and if she never existed, then she never did leave. Then there are moments when I long to lie next to her and watch her sleep. And there are moments when I long for her motherly advice and warnings. (which I admit at times I readily dismissed because I'd heard these warning over and over again...). But those memories, those moments appear to be so very vague now, even though she has been gone less than a month or so. How much has happened in these few weeks!

Is a part of me trying to block out mum's memories, trying to drown out and suppress the past and mum's existence so that I will not feel, so that I will not hurt?

I want to cry... I want to hurt so that I know I am alive and really living!