Going home

I waited a few days until today to tell my friend where I am going. He asked me when I'm coming home. My reply was I'm "going home".

He was under the impression that after my meditation, after my exam, I would go back to Montreal. And on the phone today he was happily talking about how beautiful the weather would be, and how nice it would be to go cycling in the weekend, and to cook up something special for  Canadian Thanksgiving. I too long for all that, would so much want to enjoy all that, but there is something else, someone else I need to be with at this moment. Somehow, for some reason, I feel I must embark on this sudden and impromptu trip home. I can't explain it, I really can't.

From his silence after I told him I;m flying off to see my mum, I could realised how disappointed (or hurt?) he was. It felt like I was playing games with him by withholding details of what I'm doing until the day before I leave, he said. I felt really terrible, because that was never my intention... I waited till today because I really didn't want to deal with this issue on the night before the exam last night.

But it's all too sudden, all too unexpected I guess, even for me. At the time when this sudden urge to go home to see mum swarmed my mind, it felt so right, so doubtless. But after my conversation with my friend, I began to have doubts and questions... was he longing so much for my return? What does he really feel about me leaving and being away for longer than expected? Why would it matter if we are just friends? He wouldn't say, and I'd probably never know.

To be honest, now that tomorrow is approaching, and as I'm closer to the time of take off, I'm feeling somewhat anxious. What am I really doing? Why am I really doing this? What am I putting myself and my body through to go on such a rushed trip home? Does it matter why, what or how? I'm going regardless, and I can either go feeling heavy with doubt and anxieties, or go buoyed by that sense of happiness and lightness I found during my time at the monastery. 

In the end, he wished me a pleasant trip home, and sent his best wishes to my mum, which is a very touching gesture. All I said was that I hope he can understand what I'm feeling right now, which this deep sense of wanting to be with my mum, wanting to be with someone I care about and love deeply without complications, without needing to feel guilty or like I need to be careful how I express my love and care.

Because at this moment, I'm just brimming with love and care I need to share. And no one else needs it more now than my dear, brave mother...