Goal-lessness

Just talking with a friend, and at one point the conversation turned uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because it turned to me and what I'm doing.

Procrastinating is what I do most, if not all the time. I should be studying, researching for my thesis, but instead I'm blogging about my random feelings and ranting. I should make goals what I want to do by year's end, but instead I'm going out on one of my many cycle rides to forget about it all. I should start collecting papers to file my application to immigrate, but I put that all in the back of my mind (and the drawer), and instead try to find every day things to keep myself busy, or at least, lead myself to think that I'm "too busy" to do what I must eventually do. Yes, procrastinate, putting things off because I'm afraid of doing them, afraid of the outcome, even if their not negative ones necessarily.

And I notice it's a terrible trend in my life. I don't want to deal with my life. I don't want to make plans or goals or organise my life in a neat and scheduled way like others do, and perhaps everyone should do. I dread dealing with my personal affairs, dread having to sit down and give my life a real think... exactly because it's my life, and I don't take care of it too well. When it comes to another person's life or problems, I can imagine myself rushing and jumping up to the "rescue"... but when it's my life, I stall, make excuses and (literally sometimes) sleep on it until another time, another day when I really have to face things...

It's really a negative quality of my life, of living, and I know it myself. My friend patted me on the shoulder, and said he'll help make sure I make a goal and stick to it. Little goals, little steps, not necessarily life-changing ones, but even small steps can make you feel accomplished and worthy of taking another step.

When I was worshipping my ancestors earlier today, I thanked them for all they have given me... but partly, I also (perhaps selfishly) asked for their blessing and protection... I feel as I grow older (and not necessarily wiser) I feel more and more lost, direction-less and living day to day in a drift driven by goal-lessness. Maybe the people who have gone before me can given me the invisible push, inspiration and strength to continue with my life, and to make sure that it is indeed my life, as I make of it every step of the way...