Coffee with a friend

Actually, more like a hot chocolate, because neither of us drink coffee. It's been a good while since I last saw her. She hasn't changed much, and she said I still have the same hair, same face. I guess that is a good sign.

We sat down at a quiet coffee shop and started connecting. She's actually my first 'real' friend in Canada, a friend of a friend, who was introduced to me so I could practice my French (or the bits and pieces of it...). But soon she became a close friend, as we discovered that we have many things in common. Somehow last year we lost touch... partly I guess because I was away a lot, and when I did come back, I find it hard to reconnect with people. I mean... why depress people with sad news and my troubles when I have not seen them for a long time?

But I'm glad I met up with her again... we spent some time talking about what has happened to me recently. She said she was sorry for me, having to face death again and again, and that my mum is lucky to have me as a son.

I was quiet. I do what I can, and sometimes I think that is not enough... sometimes people seem to forget how I hurt inside, behind the smiles, behind the hardwork, and behind the long and many travels. It is hard. It is hard... but I don't like to complain to people, to bother them with my troubles, especially as they all seem to have their own little lives and problems to worry about.

"Where do you belong?" she asked, at one point.

Almost without hesitation I said here in Canada. Not the Netherlands... not where I feel almost every moment of the day I am and will always be a (coloured) foreigner. Not in Taiwan... though there is where my roots still lie, and where my mum and family is. It is here in Canada, in my little appartment, with my little black and white cat. I may be away a lot, I may have my suitcase constantly by the door in case I need to go again at a moment's notice... but here I am at peace, at ease and can be myself. Fully.

"Though I do wish," I said, "There is something concrete to tie me down here." And by that something I actually meant someone.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life