First post of 2009

I walked home in the light snow. Snow that floated down so slowly, some of which landed on my nose and tingled my skin. It was a clear, crisp night, cold, but not so much so, at least not as cold as I have experienced, and dare I say gotten used to somewhat. First transition from the old to the new year in Canada, and I think the first of many to come.

I spent the new year moment at Berri UQAM station. The moment came and went, and if it weren't for the loud banging and cheers of fellow passengers, I would not have known that a new day, indeed, a new year had begun. I guess it was how I wanted it.... not to get caught up in the uproar and rave of it all, not to have too many high expectations and hopes for a new year, so as not to feel bad about myself if I should not attain them.

At least I was not alone. Next to me, a new friend, a friend I've gotten close to, and who's gotten close to me. Both of us in that stage of life, trying to understand life, understand ourselves, so as to be able to receive the love that we need, and that we deserve.

Had a long chat with a friend that I've gotten to really know, and like. About all sorts of things, about the order of things in the world today, about life, family, and accepting yourself before you can accept love in your life. Again, like someone once told me, a partner should never be there to fill a void, to make you feel whole. A partner is there to add meaning and add love to an already confident and loving and lovable you. Anything less would be just selfish, and unhealthy to the person and to you. I sat there in the dim light of the cafe, music playing in the background, grasping my teacup, and slowly grasping this idea, this idea that I hope I will have the tenacity and the openness to accept into and live by in my life.

Originally my trip back to Taiwan was planned for the 16th, but somehow I was prompted to change my flight. Much to my surprise, that day was really bad for travelling, and the only available date was 9 January, a whole week earlier, meaning that I will miss one extra week of school. Not much to my liking, and I feel a little anxious having to skip school for so long... but sometimes there are more important things in life than school, and I must convince myself of that, and tell myself that it is not wrong to work on myself, work on my family first, then school work later.

Indeed, I would very much like to work on my feelings, my processing of dad's passing, in the hope that I can make peace with it, and make it part of my life that I can look at and feel comfort. Not regret, not sorrow (even though that is at times unavoidable), but to be able to look back and see that dad has gone further in a process of life (and in his case, death-- death being part of life), and that I can see his process as part of a continuation of my relationship with him, even though he may not physically be there any more.

So here's to a happy and peaceful 2009, of luck and good wishes, to me, and to all.