Lost thoughts in Taipei

Yesterday, mum and I went to the National Palace Museum. I insisted, because I thought it would make her forget the miseries of constantly having deadly chemicals being pumped into her through a tube in her shoulder.

Though I was a bit worried whether it would be too tiring for her, it was not actually too bad, and we had a good time. She hid her infusion equipment in her pursue and we walked around the museum admiring all sorts of artifacts, and even enjoyed a good lunch at the restaurant next door. Just like that, the day flew by, and it was already late afternoon when we arrived home again.

Then, as if from one instance to the next, the drugs took effect. I had a meal of vegetables, mushrooms and dumplings prepared. She took a few bites, and felt nausea rise. Within moments she rushed to the bathroom, from where I heard gagging sounds.

It was painful to hear, and mood dampening to watch. Worst thing, mum kept on apologising that she cannot eat what I had cooked for her... and even at one point apologising for the fact that she was ill and that she was letting us (my brother and me) worry about her wellbeing.

The rest of last night and this morning she was lethargic and pale. Sitting did not seem right, and walking around did not seem right. Even lying down felt uncomfortable. Nothing she did seemed right, and it is always like this every time she has chemo. Thankfully this morning the infusion medicine had finished, and we could go to the hospital to take out the tubing. But then the nausea returned, together with the tiredness and sad looking posture.

I sat next to her, laid next to her... I put my hand on her back as she slept, imagining that my hand could miraculously such out the cancerous tumours inside her intestines. But, of course, no way can I ever take the pain or suffering away... no way can I imagine the misery and pain of being so struck down by the medicine that you feel no enthousiasm for any food or anything that you previously so enjoyed doing.

And how many people in the world must live with this... and how many family and relatives must also live with this!