Final exam

Everyone looked so defeated and sad after the three hours. In everyone's eyes was the hazy look you get when you don't sleep enough (if at all!) We stood in the hollow hallway of the biggest church, and to my dread some started to talk and ask about what the answer was to this or that question. Probably the last thing I want to think about after a long and tiring exam.

Only managed to sleep one hour last night, the rest of the time I was sick and still trying to study, hoping to jam whatever information I can into my already overloaded and depressed memory bank. The more I studied, the more upset and desparate I got, and started getting really moody, as if everything was so wrong. Felt really terrible...

Glad that all that is over. But it didn't end with the exam. Straight after I had to rush to work, and finish off some chores before I take a small break away from life and everything tomorrow. Hundreds of mailing had to be posted, and I spent a good hour or so stamping and sticking and running up and down to the post office. As if I wasn't exhausted enough already.

Also had to do some last minute shopping, especially for decorations for my godson's first birthday party. So spent some time wandering around the stores searching for the perfect card and lovely balloons and strings to hang. Things that could go wrong seemed to, and when you're already cranky from lack of sleep and so exhausted the world seemed to just now cooperate. Almost go ran over by a cyclist speeding on the pavement... missed the bus, so had to walk and wait for almost half an hour... nearly tripped and crashed into a shelf full of porcelain... hurt myself on the knee with a low bookshelf, which is still hurting... I must have had the most disgusted and horrible look on my face today.

It's been a long, long few months... with mostly downs and so many frustrations surrounding work and studies. In the beginning you think to yourself that things will get better, but the downward spiral of depression catches you and pulls you in. Binge eating and over-sleeping are the symptoms... lack of enthousiasm and this indescribably sense of longing for something (but not sure what) are almost a constant... my career prospects don't seem to have any prospects at all.... And added to this I feel more and more irritated about having to share a house with people who dump everything everywhere.

So I really need, and to some extend perhaps even deserve, a break. Break from it all, break from life, work, and home. A change of scenery always helps to lift the spirit and mind. And most of all, I'll see my special little baby boy again, the baby boy who is turning one, the baby boy who has so often given me so many smiles and heart-warmth just by being who he is.

All change.