Walk

A walk does wonders to a troubled mind. I've been doing that a lot recently, around the time when the sun is about to set, but not quite yet. It's 'late', so not many people are around, except the occasional dog-walkers. And the forest is so peaceful at that time.

As I walked, fallen petals flew around me as the movement of my feet created invisible currents that lifted and played with them like they were kites. I sat down beside this little creek, and just stared at the reflection on the surface of the water. It was so calm that the reflections of the trees, sky, leaves and all retained their natural colours and were impossible to tell apart from real things. All these birds sang around me, and somewhere a bee hummed. I wasn't alone.

But then things started to cross my mind. And perhaps I've been trying not to let it get to me, but it is getting to me. It's been over a year since I last worked, and two years since I last studied…and three years since I last had someone in my life I really wanted to be with. Depressing, isn't it? I looked around me, and there was nothing, noone I could turn to. Sure, it was beautiful, it was calm and peaceful, but with noone to share with, who can share my thoughts, and share what I see and feel?

Here I am, a tween who's supposed to be in the 'prime' of his life, yet I feel like I've outgrown my usefulness, and not lived or loved like people my age. What happened to fun, letting go of yourself, and living life on the wild side? I've never really tasted that. I guess I have the looks and brains to go out and get what I want, or perhaps whoever I want…but there's some strange and terrifying self inside that keeps on pulling me back and restraining me. This self that lacks confidence and the will to do it.

I seriously need to reorganise my life and take control instead of just passively let life take control of me. Should go out and meet people, overcome my fears and barriers of socialising and making new friends. Problem is I've been telling myself this for years, and I'm still the way I was before.

And it's scary if you think about it, and scarier if you think about it more. That in this great big world you are alone. Even if there are many people around you, you still are alone.

At least I feel I am.