Anniversary

 

I rode along the Gold Coast coastline, the air was filled with the scent of salt as well as light fragrance of flowers. It was cool, not cold, just right after another warm, humid day in the Summer heat.

Yes, it's February, and for the first time in my 39yrs of life, I am spending my birthday in the Summer.
I feel  relatively at ease, and today has been a decent day. Went to uni to attend a class (the last compulsory class before I am eligible to go through the confirmation process, something I'm hoping I can do in the next half a year or so, and be fully an PhD student). I booked myself to catch my first ever movie at the HOTA (mind you, I also treated myself to Beethoven's 9th on Saturday), and had a quick dinner at the best Chinese/Malaysian Chinese restaurant I have had since I got here.

The movie was something that seemed to attract me, called The Son. After the tumultuous two weeks with my brother's family in Holland, where there were many tough conversations about his son (my nephew), I somehow felt this may be a fitting movie to watch. I admit, I went there with the intention of perhaps telling my brother how he should also watch the movie so that perhaps he can learn something about fatherhood and be a "better"  parent. The image of his son/my nephew crying and telling me how much he hates his father or wishes that he were not living there pains me greatly... The image of my niece crying and telling her own dad to be kinder to her brother tore at my heart strings.

The movie was not exactly as I imagined it. It was well done, and the acting quite fine. But it addressed mental health issues and trauma, and there were moments that were hard to watch because you could foresee what would happen...

There is certainly a lot centred on the theme of regret. Regret of not being a better father. Regret of turning into the kind of father one vowed never to become. Regret of not being there. Regret of the pain inflicted by absence and by longing that never was filled. So much trauma, so much deep pain that caused a teenager to experience such angst and void that he wants to hurt himself (and worse)...

There were moments that were very touching. But still, nothing really pushed me over the edge to actually shed a tear.

Perhaps the story is a bit too remote from my own experience of being a son. Perhaps as I am not a father, hence I cannot know what it feels like to be one, to realise that you inadvertently become who you vow never to be.

But I can imagine (or am I superimposing my own feelings and thoughts?) how my brother may feel like. I have known for some time he is such a deeply unhappy person, and sadly that is manifesting in his relationship with his own family... his own wife, and to some extent, his own kids.

How broken, or perhaps unwell, one must be inside that you feel such distance (or perhaps disdain?) for the people who are your closest kin...) It saddens me greatly. Really, I cannot describe the sorrow I feel/felt when I was there. It's one thing to treat me poorly (with silence, not responding when I make a comment, or simply saying nothing), but it's another to speak in such a hard tone to your own child.

I fear that the children will grow up feeling alienated and feel so distanced from their own father.
What trauma will they experience? How will that impact their self-esteem, confidence, their growth and upbringing? And what will my brother wake up one day to? An empty home and no - one who will put up with his  moods and temperament. I can just see it. He will just end up all alone. Even now, especially the last visit, I have said very little to him and just spend time with the kids (pretty much all the cooking, grocery shopping, making sure the kids have food and pack their lunches were on me...). Would I even go see him if the kids were not living there anymore? 

And they are growing up fast. One day, perhaps sooner than later, the kids will leave home. And then what? 

I feel such sadness... Our parents are no longer around. Perhaps if mum were still around, she could talk some sense into him. But she's been gone over a decade now.
Is my brother still reeling from the void and has not been able to process that? Or is something deep down just deeply wrong and unwell?

My sister-in-law and I have not spoken about this on the recent trip (perhaps I will be there again in two months, so there will be an opportunity). But I wonder how she feels about all this, living with someone who is so estranged and whom she has not spoken to for (I believe) close to two years...  My nephew, 11yr old, said it best when one day he blurted out "They don't love each other..."Kids can see. Kids are sensitive. 

My sister-in-law surprised me with a lovely chocolate cake the day before I left... 

My nephew lit the candles, and they all sang songs before I made a wish.

I did not wish anything for myself, for I feel already quite blessed with opportunities and buoyed with such good people in my life, blessed that I am well, healthy and fit, and on the whole feel contented .

I made a wish. Just a small wish.
I hope it comes true.