Talk

How I wish people would just talk.

Talk so that they understand.

Talk so that they can see.

Tall so that they can begin to see the world through the eyes and mind of another.

We just need to talk, to communicate, to day what is happening in this little isolated world that we call our mind. 

We just need to open up, not be afraid to share and tell another person how we feel, about how we think. .

Imagine how much conflict can be avoided. 

Imagine how much pain and anguish can be minimised.

Imagine how much misunderstanding can be bridged and reconciled. 

After almost two weeks with my family again (...after almost two years apart), I feel this pinge of sadness on the second last night of my departure. Who knows when I will be here again. 

The situation isn't great. There is now a total breakdown of communications between my brother and his wife. The kids are doing fine, but I cannot be worry about how they must be feeling the tensions and unspoken simmer anger and perhaps even hatred that the parents have for one another. Kids are so sensitive. By calling them kids, we seem to diminish their capacity to feel, to sense, to be affected and even traumatised. 

It is cruel that grownups sometimes put their own egos and prejudice above all else, at times at the expense of the children. And it is presuming too much to think of or even call grownups grownups, as if they know or are able to cope with it all. 

For the past hour and a half, I sat with my brother and just spoke. Nothing confrontational, nothing with blame or pointing figures. Just genuinely speaking to him because i genuinely care about his well-being. He even thanked me at one point for caring (though whenever he mentions his wife, it's full of anger, despise and just prejudice). It's been emotionally draining to sit through the first moments. I had invited my sister-in-law to join us, but she outright rejected it, and said there is nothing to talk about, and told me to just go speak to my brother. I felt really dejected about that, actually hurt, as there is no chance at any form of communication if one side just shuts down.

And fair enough, my brother said there is just nothing else to say, as he is not the one who makes decisions and it's all his wife's fault. It is thus at a crossroads, a deadlock, an impasse where neither side wishes to budge.

When you know, you know...

 When do you know the answers you are looking for?
What signs are there to tell you that those are the answers, or at least pointers you have been seeking? 

I am in the midst of a major decision, that could be life-changing (or not). 13 years ago, I was at a similar cross-roads, and I made that leap to jump into the unknown. That was to Canada, to a new country, a new life. One that lasted longer than any chapter of my life to date.

For the past year or so (actually, two years, since 2019, when I created a folder on my laptop called Project Australia), I have been thinking of moving forward from what I've been doing, and pursuing a doctorate degree.

There are doubts, of course. And I may look back (should I ever begin this..) one day in the future, and wished I could travel in time to tell my past self what a terrible mistake was about to be made and hoped that it could be avoided at all costs.

Well, yesterday, I moved further in that direction, buoyed by the reassuring words and advice of a dear colleague (and dare I say, friend, even though she is so much more senior and renowned) who budged me forward and onward. I submitted a scholarship application, which if succesful, will really determine what my next steps are.

When you know, you know. 

And this afternoon, I had such a terrible conversation with my brother. One thing led to another, and it was the first time he revealed to me that he and his wife are having marriage issues. I've know it for some time, I've seen it, even on those brief and occasional visits and stays at their home. But this seems irreperable. There seems to be just so much bitterness and anger that any communication is just impossible.

I can just imagine the scene, feels the tensions, the deathly silence.
I know, because I felt that when I was living with my brother. And he is not the easiest person to live with, let along have a life with. I feared it, more because of the impact this may have on my nephew and niece, who are still young.

But recounting my/own own childhood(s) and experience of growing up, seeing our parents fight, argue about money and different values, I know deep down, it is not healthy. I reminded my brother, while reassuring him that I do not wish to interfere or intervene, that one experience when I was 10 (or 11?) when I said to my mum one night, while she was crying after an argument: "Why don't you separate? Get a divorce? I can't stand to see you so unhappy". Even then, I knew that was not the life to lead. Even then, I knew happiness is so fleeting, and people should not be forced to live together and be a pretend family when there are irreconcilable issues and tensions.

Two people should be brought together by love, not anger or resentment. And that seems to be the situation with my brother and his wife.

Reiterating that I do not wish to intrude in their relationship, as I simply know too little, I  proposed that perhaps they seek marriage counselling. My brother said he was busy, and then just hung up the phone.

I was left extremely saddened, on the brink of tears...

But when you know, you know.

Eve of Mum's anniversary

It's the eve the anniversary of mum's passing. 9 years to the day. 

11 years since we were in Paris, and enjoyed a lovely dinner on the Champs Elyses.
10 years since we canoed on Lake Louise after a beautiful stay at the hotel next to it.
9 years since I tried hard to entertain her, keep her company in those last few weeks, days, minutes of her life.

 

I miss her dearly. And like previous years, the days of the anniversary are so much harder.
It doesn't make sense, for she is long gone. Long gone are the cancer cells, long gone are the hospital wards and agonising wait for results. But that is it. Long gone are also the opportunities to speak to her, to hold her hand, to feel her warmth.

Perhaps it is the perpetual (semi-)lockdown that has made it more of a struggle to break free from this mindset, this sadness and longing. It did not help that last week, I suffered a terrible fall on my bike, due to cracks in the road and tram tracks nearby, leaving me terribly bruised and open wounds on my knee and hands. 

I'm also saddened as the situation between my brother and his wife/family appears once again to be extremely rocky. My sister-in-law reached out to me and said she would like to chat with me one-on-one. Over the weekend, she sent me a video, a harrowing one, of my nephew recounting how he was so frightened by my brother, who apparently slammed the table really hard, and swore at him. My heart sank as I watched the 5min clip... It's not something that you want to see your 9 yr old nephew recount, and to know that he has been crying and even had a nightmare because of the incident.

It just goes to the root of my worries , anxieties and fears, and shows once again, that there is much trauma and baggage that is weighing down on my family. Especially, something is weighing down on my brother, in such a way that he is not able to release whatever is bothering him besides through anger, irritation, frustration and general discontent with the world. Why else would anyone swear and slam the table at a child? His own child, for that matter. 

The rocky relationship with my brother hasn't helped that whenever we speak, it is often a one-sided attempt from me to connect, to which he responds with simple replies or grunts. It's disheartening to say the least, even more so since I make a lot of effort, and make an effort to show how much I care. The issue has also surfaced in recent therapy sessions, in which I find myself straying to the topic of my upbringing and the unhappy childhood abuses that I suffered growing up with him.

All this, and I'm sure many other elements, bring me to my current state of mind. One of being demotivated, distracted, and also just sad. How I wish I could reach out to my mum, and just speak to her, tell her how I am feeling, what has been going on... How I could seek her advice on how to deal with situation with my brother, and what to do in light of the crumbling relations in his family. 

 

 

A year ago today

 

A year ago today, the pandemic was recognised as official.

A year later, 117m infections and 2.6m deaths later, the world is still fighting the most devastating pandemic in recent history. 

How did we let this happen? How did the world just sit idly by, when on 30 January it was clear that Novel Coronavirus was a Public Health Emergency of Global Concern?

This evening, a dear friend called me from the hospital. He was admitted a few days earlier, the second time in two weeks, as he caught it. Most likely one of the more serious variants, as it has affected his ability to breathe and also affected his heart. The fluid is collecting in the heart, he told me. He could barely utter a sentence without breaking into bouts of coughing. He needed to have an oxygenation tube as his lungs could not suck in enough oxygen, and that was  proving dangerous.

Like so many millions before him, he was rushed to hopsital around two weeks ago. Luckily, he had a bed. But one of just a handful, he was told. What happens if there are no beds...? Lingering fever, aches, loss of smell, loss of appetite, and difficulty breathing. He tried to smile, look strong, but through the video chat I could tell he was in a lot of pain. 

It dawned on me, more than ever before. this is real. This is serious. This could be deadly. 

I knew of it. I have read about it. I have seen videos, read accounts, but never so close to this pandemic before tonight, when my friend called me from the hospital room. He told me how he wants to get better, and how he wants to go home to see and be with his parents (like me, he's an immigrant, and far from his parents).

He said he's feeling better, but the doctors do not know when he can be discharged yet. We laughed and joked a bit, but I was stuck for words. I reassured him that I am working on something that we promised to collaborate on together (but, due to the pandemic, I have dragged my feet on actually beginning...). I did really begin the long process of co-authoring this book, and I really want to let him know that because I want him to have something to look forward to.

Could things take a turn for the worse? Why do I feel, at the back of my mind, this nagging dread that there is something sinister? I know he has a series of underlying conditions and that he's always had a weaker immune system. Perhaps that knowledge makes me dread what this coronavirus infecftion could do to him...

We talked about politics, our go-to conversation, about China, our common worry and to an extent hatred for the Chinese government. It really is unbelievable that this was unleashed on the world, and that much of the severity was covered up deliberately at very beginnings in Jan 2020. When six weeks later, the pandemic became official, already thousands have died, at least according to official figures. Due to China's intransparency, the world would perhaps never know the real figure. 

We spoke for around 10 minutes or so. He was struggling, really struggling, and I told him a few times he should rest and not strain himself. He said that he misses me a lot, and that he loves me (something that occurs naturally to him, but to me felt a bit uncomfortable as I've not grown up with that word...). Did he say that because he feels it may be grim and that he's worried?

I have seen so many in hospitals, I have lost many in hospitals... That image of him plugged to a machine, breathing with the aid of a tube under his nose. It's painful to see. It brings back memories.

We finished the video call, and I closed my eyes temporarily.
It's been some time I have not felt so heavy.

This past year, all those figures, all those images, all those deaths and infections are just images and figures on a screen. But this was/this is real.

As real as life could be.

A year ago today

 https://twitter.com/WHO/status/1217043229427761152

 

It was exactly a year ago that the World Health Organization tweeted this to the world:  

Preliminary investigations conducted by the Chinese authorities have found no clear evidence of human-to-human transmission of the novel #coronavirus (2019-nCoV) identified in #Wuhan, #China

When the world finally recognised it as a pandemic, Emperor Xi told the world:

In China, after making painstaking efforts and enormous sacrifice, we have turned the tide on the virus and protected the life and health of our people. All along, we have acted with openness, transparency and responsibility. We have provided information to WHO and relevant countries in a most timely fashion. We have released the genome sequence at the earliest possible time. We have shared control and treatment experience with the world without reservation. We have done everything in our power to support and assist countries in need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 million deaths, 93 million infections and a year later, the WHO officials are finally going to Wuhan to investigate. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How and why did it take so long for world health experts to get to China, when for months China has repeatedly and publicly said that it stands with the world and all of humanity to help?

 

 

 

What is it that these health experts plan to find after being stonewalled and denied visas at the last minute, when already in December China claimed to be fully ready to receive these independent experts?

 

 

 

If China were so open to helping the world uncover the origins of the virus, and stands with humanity in combatting this virus that has shut down societies and economies worldwide, why did Australia, which called for an independent international investigation, bear the brunt of Chinese bullying and aggression for months on end?

 

 

 

 

 

It's been demonstrated that while Wuhan locked down barely a week later, flights continued to fly out of the city to locales all around the world. And the virus spread.

 

 

 

The year since the virus broke in Wuhan, China has been spreading disinformation and trying to cast doubt about its origins. The worst form of disinformation being that corona may have been brought into China from frozen foods--a claim that the WHO has already refuted. The disinformation campaign is so blatant it is laughable and insidious. In one interview, an "expert" Victor Gao, known for being a mouthpiece for the government, disputes that Dr Li Wenliang was silenced for he falsely raised alarm about SARS, and COVID-19 is not SARS. The official scientific name is SARS-COV2. 

 

 

 

 

Also today, Taiwan's CDC released a moving documentary TRusT paying tribute to the tireless efforts of public health officials, frontline workers, and the people of Taiwan, who excelled in keeping the coronavirus at bay.

 

 

Meanwhile, amid much dismay and confusion in Ontario, we have moved from a tiered lockdown, to a coloured lockdown, and since yesterday, a "state of emergecy" stay-at-home order.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eve of 2021

 

It is almost the end of the year, and the beginning of another one.
What a tumultulous year it has been, full of uncertainty, full of upheaval, full of despair, human tragedy and separation.

Every day, pretty much since January, has been full of news of spiking numbers of infections, hospitalisations, deaths. The Summer appeared to be a few period of calm, but those with some foresight and understanding of historical events, could foresee that that was just a temporary respite before more deaths, more infections, more stringent measures.

2020 will forever be marked by lockdowns, or half measures to try to stem the spread of the (Wuhan) Coronavirus. And then, just a few weeks after the first vaccines were approved for use and being distributed, more potent variants of the virus were discovered in the UK, South Africa and elsewhere. Hope promising, and reassuring to know that this is not even the "big one". 

What are we facing as human beings?
What are we to do as humanity?

At the end of this year, I feel this unbelievable sadness, even more so than usual at what is usually a festive time of celebration and renewal. A sadness brought on by frustration, anger, helplessness as the world burns and burns with no end in sight... Frustration, anger, helplessness compounded by the fact that governments  are saying one thing, yet politicians and elected officials are doing another... Frustration, anger, helplessness seeing small businesses and livelihoods destroyed, as Wall Street, large corporations ask for handouts or are experiencing never before seen profits.

This is no way to live. This is in no way sustainable. Surely, the system is so broken, has been broken, and cannot last for much longer.

May the new year be filled with more hope.

May the new year be filled with more love. 

May the new year be filled with more kindness and compassion.

May the new year be filled with more lightness. 

May the new year be filled with more equity and justice. 

May the world and all its peoples be blessed with good health and safety...