New Year's Eve

Not quite New Year's Eve, but I did begin this post, or at least the title of it, on New Year's Eve 2020. That was already 10 days ago. 10 days into the new year, and I am feeling anxious, agitated, and out of sync.

It's  certainly been a long time since I last wrote on here. There are many reasons, but I think the main one is just laziness, or perhaps the lack of willingness and inspiration that comes with living life day after day after day. To be honest, life has been good the past year, with relatively little moments that were difficult or that I felt were worth reporting. It does make me wonder whether life is only worth writing about when things tough and life is a struggle...

I had a full year, the seventh year of working at the place I immediately began working at after graduating, which happened to be the same year that mum passed away. Looking back, those years when I was most prolific with writing was when I went through those painful and difficult moments with mum. Those hospital days, those grueling waiting moments, those moments of helplessness and hopelessness. Life gradually became better, especially as grief gave way to smiles, or at least acceptance of the routines of life. Waking, working, eating, emotional stimulation, physical pleasures, the occasional exercise, and moments of sleep when all is shut away till I am again conscious and feeling things to repeat the routine of work, sleep, pooping, and reacting to stimuli.

Of course, in the past year, I have done much more than what I have just captured with a few words. Those words hardly do justice to the moments of fascination, loneliness, or moments of being filled with gratitude or bliss that I experienced. I continue to count myself as lucky--and I must never forget how lucky and fortunate I am, to have a home/roof over my head (to actually own property in an age of unaffordable rents and skyrocketing property prices. How lucky I am to have a job that allows me the freedom to work on things I enjoy, the freedom to occasionally escape and delay in getting back to emails, and the freedom to travel to various parts of the world to speak and share whatever "expertise" or experience I have (even though at time, I feel like an imposter and inadequate...). In the past year, I have been to Finland, Qatar (a personal, and secretive trip to explore career opportinities) , Germany, Belgium, Turkey, Japan, Taiwan, Georgia, US, and NYC, US. Not to mention the side trips I have made to visit my family whenever I am in Europe.

I am very fortunate that I lead a life and have work that allows me such flexibility to travel and fly around (at last count, I flew over 70,000 miles , which is around 3 times around the world). And I am blessed with friends who care about me, and a roommate I get along with very well, as well as cats that are ever so patient and fill me with that warmth and joy whenever I stroke them or just look at them from a distance.

I am indeed very fortunate.

But. And here comes the but.

There is such uncertainty still in my life, and I long for some kind of certainty, stability, or at least a sense of direction.

These past few weeks, since before Christmas, I have been doing very little and purposely ignored messages from work. I have felt unmotivated, and want honestly to leave, but do not really have the courage to tell the people at work that I have "checked out" of work. I mean, I have already expressed my desire to leave a few times, and purposely did not sign to renew my work contract that was sent to me a month ago. I just do not feel it any more. I have searched and found something that potentially interests me, and in a week or so, I should hear about whether that will be moving forward. So there is much anxiety and uncertainty in this regard.

And at the same time, I have met someone. Completely unexpected, but it's coming up to three months that we have known each other, and have been seeing each other. It's all lovely and all, as are these meetings with someone after a long spell of being single (and goodness, it's been a long time since I have been with someone). But even in this relationship (if we can call it that), there is much uncertainty. He would like to be more steady, call each other boyfriends, but there is the caveat that there is some openness, some leeway to have physical experiences with others in the relationship. Im stuck with this choice of whether to move forward, or to call it quits. I'm just confused...

Anyways, a disjoined piece tonight, as it's almost 4am.
I've been going to bed rather late/early this past week. It's just been a cycle of sleeping late, and waking up late, and lying in bed, half asleep, half wishing to sleep the day and hours away so I do not have to get up and do much. Much of this simply to avoid facing my issues or the work and emails that have stacked up since I slipped into "checked-out " mode a month or so ago...

Perhaps I will come back and write more in the coming period. And more will make sense.