En route to AMS

AC824 en route to AMS

What a turbulent two weeks it has been. A break up, suddenly, out of nowhere, without warning, which left me down in the dumps and struggling to find joy or energy to do anything... At least yesterday, he told me it's finally over, he needs time and space to be by himself. He said he said it as much as it hurts him to say so, but it was cruel to keep me hanging on and have no news or no contact whatsoever. At least that is over. I wrote him a last letter, a "get well" card, thanking him for everything, and saying "adieu", to God, should God (or the universe) wills it. Inshallah. I still care about him deeply. More than I realise, I'd fallen for him and grown so used to his presence (even though much of it from a distance and just through text messages) and the beautiful times and moments we shared together.

Did it mean anything at all?
Did it? It meant so much to me.
But maybe I was again just foolish, a fool in love, and blinded by love.

Time to move on... To pick myself up and move on. Or at least try.

Try to dispel those thoughts, try to exorcise those longings and feelings,  those doubts and questions that remain unanswered... Try to mourn the death of yet another in my life and adjust to a "new normal".

How did it all change so quickly

Hard when all this was happening in the run up to the anniversary of mum's departure. Which happens to be today four years ago , according to the lunar calendar. And it was (almost) exactly five years ago that we canoes on Lake Louise together. What beautiful, beautiful memories, mumories as I like call them.

How apt that on this day, I should be flying to Europe to do the crazy thing of helping my brother and his family move. Who would in their right mind spend time and money to fly across continents and help them? I guess I must be insane.

But here I am on board the plane and heading east to Europe. One night of sleep in Holland and then I'll be off with my brother and his friend in a van on the 10hr journey to his new home in Aarhus. I don't know why it didn't dawn on me earlier... Where am I going to sit? Is there even space at all for me to sit for that long drive? I will be so exhausted...

But all for family. All I can think of is how mum and dad would be so proud and happy to see me making an effort to help, to keep this family together after they have left this world. That must mean something. At least to me, it is an invaluable sign of togetherness and giving. With the added bonus that I get to see my nephew and niece again, and now the added reason that I can physically be away from Canada and leave all these images and places behind that are laced with memories of what could have been but is not...