YYZ:YVR

A minute or so after take off. The engine of the Boeing 777300ER is whizzing loudly as we apprach the cloud cover. All's foggy outside the window, the bright lights of the streets and urban sprawl below us is disappearing below the clouds.

Another flight. The first of several this month. As the plane soared on the runway, I could not but think back at the many flights I have taken on board planes of this sort toward Asia, toward Taiwan. Around the same time in the past few years. Past eight years almost, since dad passed. And each time how my heart filled with such anxiety, such stress such worry. It's almost all like a dream now. It all feel like some distant nightmare, some dark thunderclouds that have passed me by, drenched and frightened me ( traumatised me even) so, but are now disappearing into the distance, not to return again. Hints of those dark clouds resurface at times, in dreams, in lows of depressed states of my mind, in lonely nights when I'm lying in bed and trying to sleep... And at moments like these , days before the biggest family festival of the year, when families reunite and come together.

I dont really have a family now. But kindly a friend and her mum is asking me to fly to Vancouver and spend the new year days with them, and maybe I'll get to see my auntie and cousin as well. It's better than being at home and all alone and feeling sorry for myself, though in hind sight, had I known I'd 've traveling so much this month, I would have probably not gone on this trip.

Cuba, India, Bangladesh, Taiwan, and maybe even Europe all in the next two months. Who would have thought I'd still be flying around the world after alls said and done? I should consider myself lucky. Were it not for work,and the  strange sense of confidence my boss has in me to send me overseas to speak on his behalf and on behalf of the Institute/Centre, I would not have this oppvortunity to go to the Indian subcontinent (and side trip to visit a friend in Bangladesh)! How fortunate I am. And Cuba is a little "reward" for myself on my birthday, part of the tradition to get awei on that day when I know if I were home I  would get down because I am not with/do not really have family to celebrate my lifemy birth with. Two friends are coming and that should be an exciting and eye opening trip.

Brother has been warming up a bit more and calling me. Though it's because he is asking for my help and for me to proofread his applications to jobs, its still pleasant to be talking and have something to say to each other. The latest I heard is that he may relocate with his family to Denmark... Great state-owned defence company, and good benefits. But it'll be a lot of work and trouble to move the whole family and for the little ones to acclimatise. I really pray he has good news and a firm offer soon. That would mak our parents so proud and happy and give me some good news to tell our parents when I "see" them in a month or so.

Living in Toronto now for over a month, and things are going well. The friend I had living in my spare room has finally moved his belongings out, so for the first time ever, I could use that room, something I never did since I got the Keys to the condo around six months ago. Six months already, can you imagine? How much time and effort and stress I have experienced and spent arranging things and moving...? So much stress I started to severely grind my teeth so bad I need now to wear a nigh guard because of constant aches in my jaw! The stress level has died down now, and I am settled in more or less. But my room is still a mess...

Of papers, of unopened boxes.... And it's been like that for the better part of a month. The other day someone came by and laughed at and commented on how horrible the state of the room is. It is indeed. But little do they realise how much energy, how much effort it takes to life those boxed, to open those boxes and sort through letters pictures, momentoes that together capture the lives of my parents, the history of my family, that underline that void that still echoes in my heart when I think back at mum and dad and the family we used to be.... It is painfully difficult to sort through all these papers and boxes. Painfully difficult, hence why I just dumped them in parts of the room and have not had the energy or will to move them and sort through them...

Otherwise, life is alright. Just moving along. Doing my work, picking myself together and living life , often with such gratitude and joy  when I look around and see what I have and have accomplished, but also at times with such longing and sense of loss and emptiness.

Always look on the bright side of life.
The monkey year will be a good one.