Rejected

http://www.buzzfeed.com/chelseamarshall/concerned-kitten-is-very-concerned?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgq#4ldqpgq

One day before my second last exam, an exam which I took and  failed a year and and a half ago, I got an email from the university. About my doctorate degree  application status.

Rejected.

I didnt know whether to cry or laugh. In a sense, I am relieved. I have now no excuse to keep on staying where I am and would not feel any more shame to tell my boss I want to leave after some six years of studying and working at the institute. In a way, I am relieved also because my rejection means someone else (perhaps more capable, more deserving...) Is able to take my place.

But still, any rejection, even for something I am not fully sure I am committed to and want, is hard to digest. Am I just not good enough? Am I just not the candidate they want? Why do they not want me given my record of good academic standing and having worked at the same place so many years as researcher and as editor?

It does beg the question of who made such a decision... My bosses, one of whom was my masters level supervisor , wrote my recommendation letters. Even with their endorsement, I cannot get in? And perhaps even more absurd... I am not qualified to study at the doctorate level, yet I am qualified to teach at the same university? How bizzare, how twisted is that?

Someone mentioned perhaps it has something to do with the fact it took me four years to complete my masters degree.  It can't be, could it? In my application I clarified that I had personal circumstances that caused the long delay.

...maybe this is a blessing in disguise. A way of the universe to tell me to look elsewhere, and that academic life is not for me. It does prompt me to really look to look elsewhere and seems to be a sign that I need to move on .