Erosion

For the past week or so, I've been sleeping at such irregular hours. Three, four, and last night five in the mornig, each night (or morning) sleeping for only five or six hours or less. It can't be healthy, I know it. I feel it. There's only so much the body can take working so much abd staying up so late everyday.  

But I've just been awash with work. Projects keep coming, ironically because I'm good at what I do and have earned ny boss' confidence. Then I took on a friend's request to review his thesis, all three hundred pages of it. Then I took on a project to write a chapter for a book about a topic I knew little about (EU and sustainable aviation) but was fascinated in researching on. And I've not mentioned my exam in exactly two weeks' time, for which I have studied only a little. 

The days go by, as do the nights , so quickly. Another dag gone, and at the end of it; what have you really accomplished? Where am I going? What have I really done in the past year, in my life time (till now)? I feel my life, and that force of life within me being eroded day after day...

And I am so afraid of one day waking up and realising I have squandered my life away on nothing worthy of mention.

What rubbed salt to injury was one day when I was telling someone about what I feel  and how little I sleep these days, I was told not to complain. 

It's as if complaining is alright by others, just not me.

As if voicing my feelings about being overwhelmed by life, work and emotions is not allowed because I have a smile on my face most of the time and have it easy now that I don't have to deal with death and illness of my parents any more.

At night, when all is quiet outside, when I am alone, I sit and feel myself sink and ready to cry. Nighttime  is my quiet moment, moment to let emotions of t he day sink down and allow myself to breathe.

Contrary to what people may think, I still feel this great big sadness inside. I just have no one with whom I can share my emotions anymore, especially after a number of times when I tried to express my feelings I get a dismissive response (or no response at all). I get so close to tears because I feel so isolated and alone. And in that isolation, I feel more the pain of loss and the absence of my parents...

Is it just me being difficult, or is it so hard to find people who can sympathise and who can understand these days?