Music and memories

I haven't heard this piece of music for such a long time. A twenty something minute long piece of chanting in Pali set to moving music. It is soulful, melancholic and beautifully soothing.

It brought a sudden sadness to my heart and unearthed this sense of loneliness within.

I thought of mum. If I just closed my eyes and let the music take me, I see myself back in mum's apartment, I see mum sitting there relaxing or doing housework, or using the computer... I see mum, I could almost go and touch her, speak to her, hug and laugh with her.

But it aches when I open my eyes and realise I am listening to the same piece of music on my way to work on s cold November morning two years on...

Yesterday, I was speaking to a colleague and reminiscing the years I've been in Canada. Five years. How I came here just months after losing dad, how in the months and years after being in canada I would make so many trips home to be with mum.

"How did you get through it all?" The friend asked.

I felt emotional just thinking about it. hoe indeed? How indeed!

The same piece of music so many years on. the sorrow is still there, the desire to call mum, call and speak to dad and tell them how I am doing, ask them how they are doing, is still so strong. Yesterday,s devastating news that I failed an exam made me feel so fragile and so in need of support...

How can I keep from feeling? How can I keep from remembering?  The other day, someone asked me this question which I received as being so lacking in understanding and compassion for what and why I at times feel lonely and abandoned and crave family and love. People just cannot understand. Just cannot understand and yet try to say something that can come off as very insensitive. I cannot erase emotions, I cannot erase memories, i cannot even after a year, two years or perhaps as long as I live, erase the times I had parents and received unconditional love and care.

Who can? Tell me who really can...?

The music plays on. The music plays on years later after people are long gone.
I cannot cry. I cannot cry, not in the metro.