I have been in touch with this girl my age, a volunteer from the organisation I have been going to to help me process my pain and grief. She lost her mum when she was twenty. It has been over seven years.
Recent experiences with friends make me wonder if I really have friends. I cannot describe how much it hurts when as you describe your feelings, and how to cope and accept them, your friend cuts you off and tells you to just "get on with things". I cannot say how it hurts to hear your best friend, as I am trying to share experiences from my latest counseling session, reject out right the method of dealing with grief that I have been advised. When your own friends, your best friend even, sit there quietly and give you a blank expression as you try to express your emotions, then what is the point of sharing or talking at all?
So I've stopped sharing, I've stopped talking. I've chosen to keep the emotions inside, to keep quiet and pretend that all is well and dandy. That is what people expect from you, is it not? That, sadly, seems to be what people uncomfortable with death, who have not really seen death, are best at doing. Ignoring death, ignoring there is such a thing as a right to mourn, right to grief, right to take time, right to support... Perhaps it sounds crude how one person put it, but one day when they loose someone so dear to them, they will feel, they will hurt, they too will cry...
So for several weeks now, I've stopped sharing, stopped talking about my emotions with all except the people I meet at the biweekly counseling sessions and this one girl I have been in touch with. I finally met her in person today.
For almost two hours, we sat at a cafe and shared our experiences. Shared stories, the pain we experienced, the emptiness and loneliness that "get" to us and the roller coaster ride we have no control over. After seven or so years, she said she feels "numb" now... But for a year or two, she lost all interest, all motivation.
I am being too hard on myself, she told me after listening to me talk about my feelings and how I'm trying to cope. I teared as I said to her I just don't want to "disappoint" my parents. My dead parents. Parents who are not even here (physically) to disappoint!
I just hurt when I see myself down and sad. And I hurt even more when most (not all) of who I thought were my closest friends tell me I should just be getting on with life and stop whining. As if I like to whine, as if I enjoy feeling down and sad...
The girl told me to be patient, to take it easy and go with the flow. It took time for her to heal. It took her years before she could dispose of her mother's belongings ( I have no choice... next week, a shipment of my family possessions is arriving...). It took her time to find herself, to process her emotions and adjust to the new life after her mother's departure.
For me, it has only been 9 months.
What is the hurry? Why am I forcing myself to heal, why should I place myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and be with people who are not helpful at all to my attempts to find myself? I need to be selfish, I need to protect myself. I need to love myself and give myself affection and care that I have for so long been deprived of during all those months and years when my focus was just mum (and all these close ones that slowly disappeared from my life...)
It takes time. It takes time. And I need to be with people who will give me time to heal.
Recent experiences with friends make me wonder if I really have friends. I cannot describe how much it hurts when as you describe your feelings, and how to cope and accept them, your friend cuts you off and tells you to just "get on with things". I cannot say how it hurts to hear your best friend, as I am trying to share experiences from my latest counseling session, reject out right the method of dealing with grief that I have been advised. When your own friends, your best friend even, sit there quietly and give you a blank expression as you try to express your emotions, then what is the point of sharing or talking at all?
So I've stopped sharing, I've stopped talking. I've chosen to keep the emotions inside, to keep quiet and pretend that all is well and dandy. That is what people expect from you, is it not? That, sadly, seems to be what people uncomfortable with death, who have not really seen death, are best at doing. Ignoring death, ignoring there is such a thing as a right to mourn, right to grief, right to take time, right to support... Perhaps it sounds crude how one person put it, but one day when they loose someone so dear to them, they will feel, they will hurt, they too will cry...
So for several weeks now, I've stopped sharing, stopped talking about my emotions with all except the people I meet at the biweekly counseling sessions and this one girl I have been in touch with. I finally met her in person today.
For almost two hours, we sat at a cafe and shared our experiences. Shared stories, the pain we experienced, the emptiness and loneliness that "get" to us and the roller coaster ride we have no control over. After seven or so years, she said she feels "numb" now... But for a year or two, she lost all interest, all motivation.
I am being too hard on myself, she told me after listening to me talk about my feelings and how I'm trying to cope. I teared as I said to her I just don't want to "disappoint" my parents. My dead parents. Parents who are not even here (physically) to disappoint!
I just hurt when I see myself down and sad. And I hurt even more when most (not all) of who I thought were my closest friends tell me I should just be getting on with life and stop whining. As if I like to whine, as if I enjoy feeling down and sad...
The girl told me to be patient, to take it easy and go with the flow. It took time for her to heal. It took her years before she could dispose of her mother's belongings ( I have no choice... next week, a shipment of my family possessions is arriving...). It took her time to find herself, to process her emotions and adjust to the new life after her mother's departure.
For me, it has only been 9 months.
What is the hurry? Why am I forcing myself to heal, why should I place myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and be with people who are not helpful at all to my attempts to find myself? I need to be selfish, I need to protect myself. I need to love myself and give myself affection and care that I have for so long been deprived of during all those months and years when my focus was just mum (and all these close ones that slowly disappeared from my life...)
It takes time. It takes time. And I need to be with people who will give me time to heal.
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