Pilgrimage of the lonely

Almost two weeks on the road now, and I have seen and experienced some amazing things that will remain with me for a long, long time...

But sitting at the restaurant today, having the n-th meal by myself, my mind crept to that terribly empty feeling of loneliness again. On this trip, I seem to have been surrounded by people. Though poor (and I would never want to suggest that it's good to be poor, especially as many seem to have trouble knowing where the next meal will come from ...), people are together, surrounded by family, relatives, friends. And many backpackers and travelers I encountered are with someone, close friend, lover, whatnot. It does make eating and journeying all the more meaningful...

There have been so many moments I wish I could just share with someone my thoughts, my realisations, and how this trip has transformed my mind (or not...) But who...? Who can I share with, who will care to listen and reflect with me how meaningful and important this trip is for me after all that happened in my life in the past couple of years? Who will understand and not judge me or make fun of me for coming on a pilgrimage and venturing to a foreign and impoverished place?

Of course, the lonely tends to glamorous and idolise others who seem surrounded by people. The lonely longs for intimacy and care and yet shies away from people who try to reach out. But I could not help think: is the path of a lone pilgrim a reflection of what life is like? You travel, move from place to place, encounter people from all walks of life, but ultimately you are alone, or at least on your own. And most likely, you will die alone... That is a thought that scares me the most, especially after my death of both my parents. They were surrounded by loved ones, by family... But will I be?

A number of times, when close to having accidents on the treacherous (and lawless...) roads here, the thought does cross my mind: if I were to die here, would I be missed? Would anyone care? Would I not be forgotten, as if I never existed? These words would then be, like the many monuments and writings inscribed in stone, the only evidence of someone having thought these thoughts, written these words...

If I were to die or disappear here, at least I have fulfilled my dream of taking mum to the sacred land of buddhism's origins...