Reflections

Have I really become a selfish, self absorbed person as my friend accuses me of being?

Have I really let myself be so absorbed by the trauma of the past few months and death of my mum that I care so little about the wellbeing and feelings of others?

It hurts me to be told I've changed and become selfish and seemingly insensitive to the feelings of people around me. It hurts also when people who are your friends start talking amongst themselves about how different I am now compared to before. Are friends not supposed to support up, comport you, give you the space and time to mourn and grief instead of talk behind your back and expect you to quickly move forward? How it hurts that I was told by someone I should go see a professional instead of turning to people around me... I thought or perhaps idealised friends as people you could turn to in the greatest time of need.

I need to reflect on how I seem to have changed over the past few months, need to think about how I (according to at least one person...) can become selfish and self-absorbed and not even see it. Is the person correct in his harsh words and judgments or am I simply so oblivious to oblivious to my own failings and continually fool myself (and others...) into believing I'm an "angel" who could do littleness wrong...?

I closed my eyes and swallowed the misunderstandings and accusations of flaws in my character. How it hurts to be told I seem to have become such a difficult person to be around. How it hurts that at a time I most need and want to reach out for human contact and support, a friend reproaches me and makes me feel like I'm a terrible person with so many flaws and failings.
It hurts especially because after mum passed away, I promised myself, promised my mum, I'd live the life of a virtuous person, I'd continue being the kindness and generosity that my mum (and to an extent dad...) espoused and was.