Tears

I don't think mum noticed. How could she see me take off my glasses and rub the tears from my eyes as I heard her recount her dream? I acknowledged what she was saying, but had to try had so as not to betray the waver in my voice or the sorrow I felt  deep inside.

She was telling me about two dreams she had with dad in it... in one, she was sleeping (in the dream), and suddenly the phone rang. At first, mum could not make out who it was, as the voice on the phone sounded faint and distant. Then she realised it was dad. He spoke in the same way when he was alive. That same voice... Dad said he called to say that he is going somewhere... Where, mum does not know, or has forgotten immediately after waking up.

The same voice... I tried to recall that voice... but maybe I'm recalling it all wrong? What did he sound like?

Oh, how I wish I could hear him speak again...!
How I wish I could hear dad's voice and that his voice could soothe my longing and loss...!

Tears welled in my eyes and threatened to trickle down as mum spoke, as they do now. Salted tears... I could taste them in the corners of my lips...

The next dream, mum said dad appeared before her, and he was crying. He looked so sad and was crying. He had tears on his cheeks...

Hearing that only made me cry more. But I don't think mum heard me cry. A soft, silent cry... A suppressed cry, because I did not want to make her upset or sad to hear me cry, to know that even after almost three years, sometimes when I think of dad, I miss him dearly. Miss him dearly enough to cry.

Mum said she woke up and cried that night. Hearing that, I wanted to tell her that two weeks ago I had a dream about dad, a very intense dream when I was staying at the monastery.

 But I didn't tell her... as the Buddhist teachings go, if it does not help anyone, there is no need to say it or repeat it. Will it bring joy and happiness, or pile more pain and hurt onto an already painful and sad situation? What good will it bring anyone? I did not tell her that I saw dad suffering, that I saw him die slowly and painfully. I did not tell her that I too woke up crying that night. Crying under the moonlight.

I hope dad is alright...
 I hope wherever he is now, whatever he is doing, whether he is with me or with us, he is well, happy and peaceful...