"It's good to talk..."

I like BT's company motto "It's good to talk...", because often talking can do wonders, breakdown barriers and misunderstandings.

After yesterday's facebook message from the friend, to which I replied, I met up with him over lunch and had a long talk. There were moments I felt I was under 'attack', being blamed in a way for the reason behind the breakdown in our friendship. There were moments I just wanted to get up and leave, because really I just felt so misunderstood and wronged, and even surprised that a lot of fuss can be made of what to me appeared to be of such insignificant detail.

But we talked, even if at moments we just sat opposite one another and looked at one another, or looked beyond one another (or at least I did) to avoid the intensity of the other person's gaze. We tried to recount and explain what triggered a distancing between us, the reasons (for there are never just one, but many over a period of time) for the tensions and strains. Like often, I do not believe that one person is particularly at fault... my experience of family feuds and listening to friends who have become estranged is that lack of communication can breed fear and suspicion, and eventually distrust and animosity. For my friend and I, it was probably at that beginning stage of this process, and I was glad we stopped and took the time out to talk things over.

I admitted that I've been feeling strained in recent months, not least because for a while till early summer this year I seemed to be in constant travel mode and overshadowed by uncertainties surrounding where I will be in the next month. This uncertainty and 'floating-ness' makes me sad, and I feel the world, my world of comfort and security, crumbling and disintegrating. Maybe because of that I have been moody, withdrawn, easily frustrated and angered, and maybe that transpires in my interactions with others... I admit my 'wrongs', and try to contain myself. But a few moments during our talk I just broke down and teared. Not outright cry and weep... but sometimes the memories and echoes of the last few months, from deaths to hospital beds, from my split concerns about the wellbeing of my mum to the wellbeing of my adopted cat... from my almost incessant struggle with loneliness to my search for the warmth and stability that a potential relationship can offer... all these taken together, mingled and turned around day in and day out has taken a heaven place in my heart and mind. And even someone like me who does not like to 'burden' others with my deepest problems and fears, who has a smile plastered on his face almost constantly, has to break, has to breakdown.

We talked, and 'made up'. I gave my friend a big, long hug, an expression and appreciation of what he means to me still, and what he has meant to me since we met almost two years ago.

It's good to talk... to talk away the misunderstandings, suspicions, dislikes... to talk about the little things that bother one another, about the personal characteristics and flaws that over time get on one another's nerves.

And at the end of it, it feels like a fresh start.