Smile

What can you do but smile? So smile is what I did. A weak smile I managed to muster. One that you make when you want to let the other person know that I understood what was being said. A smile that is supposed to say "I'm OK, go on with whatever you have to say". A smile that hides the trauma and hurt that cannot be described, that is hidden and waiting to pour out.

I sat in front of the doctor, mum by my side. He spoke to me, looking at me intensely as he spoke of mum's condition. "You know what your mum's condition is, right?" I said yes, then added quickly at least I knew as much as she would tell me. Everything else is a mystery, and I said perhaps a lot of information has been withheld. For me own sake perhaps.

"There are two worries". I braced for the news, though it was not really new, except what came was worse than I had expected. "The cancer is spreading. To the lungs". I smiled. A weak, frail smile to show I understood, and nodded slightly to confirm that I had heard what was just said. I did not know what to say. What could one say? What could I say? What do I have to say, if anything?

"The more chemo she does, the more it will be a strain on the kidneys. She will have to undergo dialysis soon." I nodded again, afraid to look away. My mind was blank, save for the image of a machine plugged into a patient plugged with all sorts of tubes. Dialysis... isn't that painful? Didn't grandma have to undergo that ordeal? There was a silent shatter in my mind. Hopes, dreams, plans...

"She has a lot of stress, and it is not good for her. You must know she has a lot of weight on her mind." He said that and looked at me as if to tell me, to warn me that I am the one responsible for her stress... I swallowed. What have I done to cause my mum grief? What have I done or said that made her condition worse? What can I do to make things better? It is not me... it cannot be me...

I was silent and said only that I understood, and I thanked the doctor as I left the room. For a few moments I was quiet as we walked away from the clinic. Though we went to a fancy restaurant, my appetite was low, and I ate without even tasting the food. Chewing, swallowing, but my mind wandering away to a distant place of disappoint and fear, of broken memories and tears. My stomach was upset, and the digestion problems I have not had for a long time appears to be returning.

I was exhausted.
I am exhausted.
And this is only the third day back home...

Smile, smile. Because it is the simplest thing to do in the circumstances.