Being frank

We sat down to lunch at a rather posh restaurant. Mum has been insisting that we go out to eat together and savour the many delights Taiwan has to offer. To me, just the fact that we are together is enough. The food and whatever that comes with the food are just extras.

Brother began the conversation, at a time which was poorly chosen and which dampened the whole atmosphere of eating out. But then again, it has to be done sometime, somewhere. It was a bit blunt, but basically came down to asking mum what the exact extent of her illness is. Both brother and I have a slight suspicion that mum is not telling us some things for fear of influencing our lives too much if we worry about her her condition.

Mum was quiet, then said that she really isn't hiding anything. " I sometimes don't even know myself," she said, looking down and averting our eyes. "I am also torn between whether I should do chemo or not. I really am..." And I know it... I can see it in those moments when she is alone, sitting and staring into blank space. I can see it in the way she looks tired and worn, even though she has not been doing much.

A few moments later, mum admitted she didn't want us to know too much, that she can take care of herself and that we should go off and do whatever we have to do. Go build a career, go live our lives, go be successful.

"That's the problem," I said, "Because I know so little I am not at ease. I've been putting a lot of things on hold, been afraid to commit to anything because I don't know how you are. Finishing my thesis, starting a career, applying for Canadian residence... How can I do anything if I don't know what will happen next?"

Perhaps they are harsh words, and I did not want to place blame on mum, but it felt necessary that I tell her how I feel, and what predicament I am in. I really do not want to push her, do not want to give her more pressure than she already must bear, but I feel I am buckling and breaking...

There was no conclusion, no decision made, no new development, and we eventually continued eating as we had planned to down.

But at least things have been said.