Sleepless nights

I woke up feeling horrible, and again like so many nights before, well past midday.
A terrible dream had disturbed my sleep. A dream about my mum. How she needed to go to the hospital. For treatment.

I did not call her that day, for she was already asleep. And in the afternoon I forgot to call her, and by the time I realised, she had gone to work. So I made it a point to wake up early to call the next day. I spoke to her.

She sounded alright. But then she revealed to me that she might indeed need to go to the hospital. The doctor has been telling her to do the treatment. And some others have been telling her too.

I was quiet. Perhaps I should have said something. Something to soothe her, to calm her and to tell her that things will be alright. But I was silent, and did not want to say. All I could think of was why this sudden change of decision... why this, and why now? Had she not promised me before I left Taiwan a month and a half ago that she would try alternative treatment and see how things go? Going back to the hospital for chemo therapy.... just the thought of it disgusts me. Just the thought of it brings back memories of the smell, the anxiety, the pain of watching her, watching others suffer and have their liveliness taken away from them slowly, bit by bit...

This is not helping the current depression I am going through...