Eastbound

Already October, and the leaves are changing colours once again.

The windy night will probably blow many onto the road, sweep them away as if they never were part of the lush, dense, green foliage that provided shadow in the heat of summer. Soon, the trees will be barren again. Shame I will not be here to see that gradual transition of the seasons.

Second last night here in Montreal for a while to come. The luggages are half-packed, and in that apprehensive mode before embarking on this long trip eastward. It will be quite a trip, and to be honest I am not really looking forward to it. The first journey across the Pacific will be horrible... 22hrs of travelling, in three different planes at three different locations. That is, if I manage to catch all the planes on time. One hour of transfering does not leave much leeway for error or delays... Hopefully I arrive in Korea incident-free...

Then the presentation on Tuesday. I think I am prepared.... even though for the past two weeks I've been avoiding working on it. The person I was working with (or supposed to be working with) didn't do much, and in the end had lots of criticisms on how the visual presentation was set up. Fair comments, on being too wordy and to lengthy... but there were even comments about the background blue colour, which really put me off. So I've been pretty depressed for some time, wondering about the quality of my work... wondering if I'm going to make a fool of myself standing there in front of people and talking about such a simple (read cynical) thesis as space cooperation. I think, or at least I hope, after the presentation I will feel more relieved...

Then yesterday I spoke to mum, and she sounded down. Anxious, perhaps, about her latest checkup, and talking in a way that seemed to suggest that she might not be here this time next year. It hurt to hear that, and I tried to sound confident, even so deep inside I was already mourning... already crying invisible tears. I wish I could be there for her now, comfort her, make her happy and smile. But I'm not there.

The only way I can be there is to change my plans. Originally I planned to stay a week in Korea to travel around a bit, but I cancelled all that. And now I'm set to fly back to Taiwan a week or so early. On the day that mum gets her latest checkup results. I'm imaging rushing to the hospital as soon as I arrive and sitting there in that narrow crowded corridor waiting to be called in by the doctor...
I want to be there, whatever the news.

Maybe I cannot help her, but hopefully my being there, however fleeting and brief, will distract her from her dark, brooding thoughts...