Floating

I feel my feelings floating around, and feel frustrated I cannot capture them. The last week has been pretty eventful, meeting and getting to 'know' new friends, reuniting with an old one, while the stress and pressure of having to do well in my exams lurks behind. Torn sometimes between having to study, and wanting to make sure that my (renewed) social life maintains that momentum.

In a few hours, the final exam of the term, but I feel so ill prepared. Two huge readers to go through, and I haven't managed to read through half of it. It's space law, something I've studied and read about on and off for the last two years. It's supposed to be my 'forte', but I feel so not confident. Rush, rush, through the readings, marking red all the relevant points, but in the back of my mind I wonder if any of this I will manage to remember at all, in those dreaded three hours of exam time. And I have this terrible back ache and rash that I've never had before... this itch and shooting pain that comes and goes.... only to come back again when I think it's finally gone.

Then, a trip awaits. I had been looking forward to it, working toward it all these weeks, all this time since I booked my flight to Washington. But now, somehow, the enthousiasm has faded and died, and I somehow look to the trip ahead with dread. Maybe it's this pre-exam pressure building that's preventing me from seeing the fun that I can have....

But I think there's something more sinister than that too. It'll be my first trip to the US in over 14 years. So much has changed, and cynicism has somehow enveloped me that I feel like I'm about to step into this very foreign territory, which seems all too familiar, and frightening at the same time. The very heart of Empire...

Once again, I'm thrown into this world where my words and thoughts are incoherent, my feelings confused, and my mind racing from one thought to another. All the while I feel lost, and am hoping I could slow down, take a look around, and catch my breath.

And catch up on sleep too while I'm at it.