250113.2145
On the plane alone heading back to Montreal. The little surprise I planned was a success, and I think I brought a few smiles to my ex's face. But why do I feel so empty now? Why do I dread to go home and why does a part of me hope that something will happen to the plane...?
This is my problem. I cannot deal with loneliness, I cannot stand it much, even though most of the time I am alone. Just before leaving, I had a sort of nervous breakdown, so close to tears and I was shaking. I nearly threw up my food. A beautiful day was ending, a lovely time spent with the ex is ending. And I need to go home, on my own.
He said he's lonely too. Maybe, and he must know himself. But I do wonder how lonely one can really be when you have a partner, when you have the affection, phone calls and laughters you can have with a partner? How lonely can you be when your parents travel thousands of kilometers away to be with you on a special special occasion? How lonely can you be when your best friend/ex lover puts aside all his conflicted feelings and the difficulties of facing the beautiful love and bond of family life he craves for so much just to show up for a day to make you happy? I cannot really understand, just as he cannot fully understand what I feel when I say I've lost all that is dear to me and lost the purpose and focus of my own life. Perhaps this is where we are diverging from one another's paths: we do not seem to understand each other, do not seem any more to be able to give each other that natural feeling of joy and pleasant company we used to share and treasure so much.
He told me again he loves me and cannot stop caring about me or thinking about me. He said I've always managed to fascinate him, attract him by the "karma" (kindness) I show and by the little touching things that I do. But I feel I've lost that touch, that warmth, that passion and motivation in life to want to make a difference, to want to work towards something beautiful and meaningful. What happened? Why have I lost touch with my inner self and the me that before was so kind and so easily moved and touched?
Rightly or wrongly, I've always been geared toward making people around me happy. Perhaps my happiness depends (dangerously!) on the happiness of those around me and dearest to me. Mum formed a core of my life, my best friend/ex formed another fundamental core that touched my life like never see before. And now that both these people have become out of my life, I feel such imbalance and very distorted. when I lose people who matter most, whether through death or because they've moved on in life, I'm left without a core, without direction. It's not healthy, I know, but I am sort of useless on my own without someone to project my love and affections to. I have a cat, yes, but there's only so much I can give a cat, and only so much she can give me...
I need to find a purpose, find meaning in life, find myself and be comfortable with myself. I need to be able to fully be "me" and not allow Myself be so troubled by thoughts of doubt, thoughts of envy, dreams of the future and thoughts I self-criticism. Cry if I must, scream if I please, close my eyes and swallow the pain and hurt if I need to, but in the end I need to be strong, need to find a way to survive, and move on without lingering, without looking back.
I need to love myself, love myself so much more... Because now the only person who can offer me that fully and unconditionally is me. No one else.
Love myself, hold myself, tell myself I will be alright, tell myself I am loved and I am deserving and worthy of love... And one day, I will really be loved, I will find love, and I will love again.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
25 January 2013
25 August 2012
Fortune
25082012.1511
"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."
"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."
19 May 2012
Talks
It's like I don't hear it. Brother tells me about talks he has been having with mum. Talks about her "arrangements". Where to go, what to do, how and all the details when she is no longer around.
I've had theses conversations with mum before. And at those times, it feel so natural, so simple to talk about death. Perhaps because death didn't seem so close. At least, never as close as now. And it frightens me. It intimidates me so.
The cancer is eating away her intestines, her pancreas. God only knows where else and how else mum will be affected. All I can think of is how is she feeling. How is mum taking all this? How is mum feeling deep down, knowing that there may not be much time left? A thought comes to me: what is the point of all these days, these final days when you know where things are headed?
These questions never bothered me, or at least not as much as they do now. I am so afraid that she is afraid and uneasy inside. Those thoughts dominate my mind nowadays, and suppress even my own feelings toward all this. I am confused, broken, lost. Perhaps you have noticed from the very disjointed and incoherent way I've been writing these days.
"Should I head back?" I asked mum yesterday. And I asked the same question to my brother. They both told me to stay. It's not time yet. One day it will be, and I need to prepare for that. But now is not yet the time.
I need to make the most of my time here, time when I am away from it all to recuperate, to gather strength and courage. Because I have a feeling the next time I am back home, it might very well be a longer and more difficult stay.
I've had theses conversations with mum before. And at those times, it feel so natural, so simple to talk about death. Perhaps because death didn't seem so close. At least, never as close as now. And it frightens me. It intimidates me so.
The cancer is eating away her intestines, her pancreas. God only knows where else and how else mum will be affected. All I can think of is how is she feeling. How is mum taking all this? How is mum feeling deep down, knowing that there may not be much time left? A thought comes to me: what is the point of all these days, these final days when you know where things are headed?
These questions never bothered me, or at least not as much as they do now. I am so afraid that she is afraid and uneasy inside. Those thoughts dominate my mind nowadays, and suppress even my own feelings toward all this. I am confused, broken, lost. Perhaps you have noticed from the very disjointed and incoherent way I've been writing these days.
"Should I head back?" I asked mum yesterday. And I asked the same question to my brother. They both told me to stay. It's not time yet. One day it will be, and I need to prepare for that. But now is not yet the time.
I need to make the most of my time here, time when I am away from it all to recuperate, to gather strength and courage. Because I have a feeling the next time I am back home, it might very well be a longer and more difficult stay.
18 May 2012
18 May
Just noticed the date I marked on my handcarry luggage. It's exactly a year to the day. What has changed?
Mum's health deteriorated rapidly, after so deceiving hints of hope and recovery...
My ex suddenly turned around and said it's over, and till this day I'm still feeling the effects of that day, and still trying to find myself, and someone who will never do something as hurtful...
I struggled with my thesis, am set to graduate, but am also faced with unknown prospects...
And I am still travelling, flying around more or less as much as before, despite promises I made to myself not to...
One year on, and what has happened? Where am I in life, in this world?
I'm still trying to find out, but a little reminder that it's been one year already since last year to the day helps to put things into perspective.
Mum's health deteriorated rapidly, after so deceiving hints of hope and recovery...
My ex suddenly turned around and said it's over, and till this day I'm still feeling the effects of that day, and still trying to find myself, and someone who will never do something as hurtful...
I struggled with my thesis, am set to graduate, but am also faced with unknown prospects...
And I am still travelling, flying around more or less as much as before, despite promises I made to myself not to...
One year on, and what has happened? Where am I in life, in this world?
I'm still trying to find out, but a little reminder that it's been one year already since last year to the day helps to put things into perspective.
16 May 2012
04 May 2012
Guidance
03052012.1823
A little guidance from the deities...
"When adverse circumstances come, go with the flow of karma,
Where the bonds of people sparse, the bonds of family are ever present.
In your dreams, why fight between you or I?
Let go of the body and mind, and see the heaven and earth. "
A little guidance from the deities...
"When adverse circumstances come, go with the flow of karma,
Where the bonds of people sparse, the bonds of family are ever present.
In your dreams, why fight between you or I?
Let go of the body and mind, and see the heaven and earth. "
25 April 2012
Dream
It was such a vivid and disturbing dream, and when I woke up, I realised it was already past ten in the morning. It was the single most uninterrupted sleep of eight hours that I have had in weeks...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
19 April 2012
Nth night
How many nights has mum spent at the hospital? How many nights have I slept here with her, waking up every so often to see if she needs anything?
I do not lament my fate, I do not complain what I need to do. I massage mum's back, I rub her shoulders with a gentle smile, and as I do it I wish and hope that the pain she feels will be reduced and that she can sleep well. I take her to the washroom, I "sniff" her to see if she's wet herself (or worse...) because she is my mother, and whatever condition she is in, she deserves to live life comfortably, with dignity and be clean.
One day, I will need to let all of this go. One day, I must learn to turn my back on all this, and let someone else take over. Turning my back on mum does not mean I do not care anymore.
Because I do care, I do care so much because I wish her the best and I wish her to be comfortable and free from suffering. But I have things I must accomplish, I have goals I must pursue, and I must do them for myself, I must do them for mum to see that I can live on my own, and I can take care of myself no matter what.
Sleep, mum, sleep... I'm here only a few steps from you whenever you need me, I'm here for whatever you need, and all you need to do is call my name.
But you and I know one day, I will have to go away, and I hope you will not be too sad. You need only call my name, and I'll be back again.
I do not lament my fate, I do not complain what I need to do. I massage mum's back, I rub her shoulders with a gentle smile, and as I do it I wish and hope that the pain she feels will be reduced and that she can sleep well. I take her to the washroom, I "sniff" her to see if she's wet herself (or worse...) because she is my mother, and whatever condition she is in, she deserves to live life comfortably, with dignity and be clean.
One day, I will need to let all of this go. One day, I must learn to turn my back on all this, and let someone else take over. Turning my back on mum does not mean I do not care anymore.
Because I do care, I do care so much because I wish her the best and I wish her to be comfortable and free from suffering. But I have things I must accomplish, I have goals I must pursue, and I must do them for myself, I must do them for mum to see that I can live on my own, and I can take care of myself no matter what.
Sleep, mum, sleep... I'm here only a few steps from you whenever you need me, I'm here for whatever you need, and all you need to do is call my name.
But you and I know one day, I will have to go away, and I hope you will not be too sad. You need only call my name, and I'll be back again.
14 April 2012
Youth
"You are only young once. Don't let your youth go by..."
Someone told me that before. I never really thought about it until today when A character in a movie said it. And it somehow struck me, and made me wonder...
Will I one day wake up and feel so angry and bitter that I've let my youth go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much of my youth dreaming and longing, but let the days and years go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much time at my mother's side and not out enjoying myself and living my own life?
I hope I will not be bitter and angry, that I can look back and smile and have no regrets.
I hope one day someone I love can tell me "You have lived a full youth, you have done so much in your youth you should be proud of..."
Someone told me that before. I never really thought about it until today when A character in a movie said it. And it somehow struck me, and made me wonder...
Will I one day wake up and feel so angry and bitter that I've let my youth go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much of my youth dreaming and longing, but let the days and years go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much time at my mother's side and not out enjoying myself and living my own life?
I hope I will not be bitter and angry, that I can look back and smile and have no regrets.
I hope one day someone I love can tell me "You have lived a full youth, you have done so much in your youth you should be proud of..."
06 April 2012
Gay fortunetelling
Taiwan has quite a large and developed gay community. There are various organisations advancing gay and lesbian rights, sexual orientation discrimination is prohibited by the law, the capital city annually hosts the largest pride event in the region, and there is talk of opening marriage for same-sex couples. Apparently there is even a temple dedicated to the deity protecting homosexuals! On the streets, I have occasionally seen couples hold hands openly, and a number of gay celebrities (including a transexual) on tv gives the impression that being gay is not really that shocking. And once, together with a friend, I asked an elderly lady who volunteers at the metro station where a gay-themed book store is located, she did not look shocked but very friendly and kindly told us where to go!
Today, with my friend we explored a bit of one of the gay districts of Taipei, and we went into a store, which we realised only later caters to lesbians (though the things, like clothes and accessories on sell seemed very boyish to me... Well, maybe all the reason why it's a lez shop!) As we were about to leave the store owner told us about a tarot reading service which caters specifically to the gay community.
I've never heard of such a thing, so I was very curious. So I sat down, and wanted to give it a go. The one question that has been bothering me a lot is my relationship (or lack thereof...) with my ex. I have been very troubled and torn by the hard to decipher signals he's been sending me, not least a number of emails he sent me declaring his true feelings and realisations about me being the one he loves, has always loved... And he even went as far as sending a mutual friend (actually the one I was with today...) to fly here to check up on me (though in a way, that's also creepy, for I feel like I'm being spied on on various levels and can't readily talk to any of my friends without news of me getting back to my ex...)
Frankly I'm very lost as to what he feels towards me, really feels towards me, as what he would like from me. Does he want a new start? Or is he just saying all these things because he figures out they are what I would be moved by and they are the way to get me to open up to him again? Is he playing with my feelings, trying to see where I stand while simultaneously having a relationship on the side in case I reject him? I just am so confused...
I randomly picked three cards, each which represent the past, present and future. The lady deciphered that I feel much insecurity with my ex, and this is holding me back from committing again with him (if that is even an option, and if that is even what he still wants...). It's true, after what we have gone through, being told to wait and to have patience while he figures things out has really made me feel like I'm just an option, like I'm a third wheel that is only needed as a replacement in case his pursuit of happiness with another fails. Friends have not hidden their views that, as far as they can understand and see, what he's been doing is terribly selfish of him, but I know I am partly responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Another tarot card shows that I sacrifice too much of myself, give too much just to please the other person, and often wonder in the end what I get from what I give. And it warned me also to be wary of being too gullible to what my ex tells me, for though I can set my heart on something, sometimes what he tells me can uproot my plans and I'll just follow suit just to placate him, while forgoing my own and deepest wishes.
A lot of what she said of me springs from my own inner conflicts, from wounds deep down that have yet to completely heal, things I have yet to face and change. Whoever it is I am with, whether with my ex or someone else, I'll always feel the same if I don't change my perception of things, if I don't resolve inner conflicts and feelings of insecurity. (I knew somewhat, or was perhaps persuades into thinking that what she was hinting at were the dark past I faced...). The teacher said i need to look into my 2nd chakra point, which is out of balance. It's a point which deals with emotions, and which may result in fear of having pleasure, being out of touch with feelings, and also being resistant to change. And there is also something I need to resolve with my mother, she said (which was very alarming when she mentioned this, especially as I'm so tied down by my relationship with her...), and that I need to be able to let go of things, or otherwise I cannot progress and will always be turnoff around in a karmic circle that keeps on repeating itself...
The fortune teller did not say, could not say whether my ex is "the One". Tarot card reading is not like that; it's not like more conventional and local forms of fortunetelling whereby your life and events and even partner can be foretold, the lady explained. Thirty percent, the "unseen" can be foretold by the tarot teacher, but the rest of the seventy percent depends on yourself. She did not say whether my ex and I will have a future or whether we are compatible... We know best how we suit one another or not. Even if he is not compatible, not the one, fundamentally I'll always have the same issues repeat themselves whoever I am with. Insecurity, dependence, overly self sacrificing and feeling not understood enough are my own issues and comes from within me. Even with the "right one" those feelings and insecurities will not go away until I myself make some changes. I need to open up, to let go of the past, and to trust. But of course the other person must make efforts to prove that he is trustworthy, the other person must also be willing to make make changes and compromises so that If we are to start something again, we break from that old, vicious cycle of insecurity and distrust, of being separated and unwilling to let go, and yet tormenting ourselves fearing whether we are letting a wonderful chance of a lifetime just go by.
She read my heart and told me deep down I'm not ready to let go yet, but I'm very afraid to be hurt again, and that I have difficulty in trusting again. She said I deep down want to have contact and no longer ignore his attempts to make contact, but I am just unsure what renewing contact will bring. I fear renewing contact will undo the healing that I have managed to do on my own for three months now. I fear I'll too quickly fall for his words and promises (only he knows whether they are true words and true promises, only he will have to live with his conscience...). But I know deep down this is too good, there is too much there to just let things go without trying again.
"I recommend you renew contact..." was what she wrote on a piece of paper. She can't tell me definitively what will happen, because life and love can change when two people are willing to work to change, work to jump out of the dark past and painful memories. Two people, with compromise and understanding, with letting go of certain things and embracing flaws and faults in one another can make breathe new life into a stalled relationship.
Today, with my friend we explored a bit of one of the gay districts of Taipei, and we went into a store, which we realised only later caters to lesbians (though the things, like clothes and accessories on sell seemed very boyish to me... Well, maybe all the reason why it's a lez shop!) As we were about to leave the store owner told us about a tarot reading service which caters specifically to the gay community.
I've never heard of such a thing, so I was very curious. So I sat down, and wanted to give it a go. The one question that has been bothering me a lot is my relationship (or lack thereof...) with my ex. I have been very troubled and torn by the hard to decipher signals he's been sending me, not least a number of emails he sent me declaring his true feelings and realisations about me being the one he loves, has always loved... And he even went as far as sending a mutual friend (actually the one I was with today...) to fly here to check up on me (though in a way, that's also creepy, for I feel like I'm being spied on on various levels and can't readily talk to any of my friends without news of me getting back to my ex...)
Frankly I'm very lost as to what he feels towards me, really feels towards me, as what he would like from me. Does he want a new start? Or is he just saying all these things because he figures out they are what I would be moved by and they are the way to get me to open up to him again? Is he playing with my feelings, trying to see where I stand while simultaneously having a relationship on the side in case I reject him? I just am so confused...
I randomly picked three cards, each which represent the past, present and future. The lady deciphered that I feel much insecurity with my ex, and this is holding me back from committing again with him (if that is even an option, and if that is even what he still wants...). It's true, after what we have gone through, being told to wait and to have patience while he figures things out has really made me feel like I'm just an option, like I'm a third wheel that is only needed as a replacement in case his pursuit of happiness with another fails. Friends have not hidden their views that, as far as they can understand and see, what he's been doing is terribly selfish of him, but I know I am partly responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Another tarot card shows that I sacrifice too much of myself, give too much just to please the other person, and often wonder in the end what I get from what I give. And it warned me also to be wary of being too gullible to what my ex tells me, for though I can set my heart on something, sometimes what he tells me can uproot my plans and I'll just follow suit just to placate him, while forgoing my own and deepest wishes.
A lot of what she said of me springs from my own inner conflicts, from wounds deep down that have yet to completely heal, things I have yet to face and change. Whoever it is I am with, whether with my ex or someone else, I'll always feel the same if I don't change my perception of things, if I don't resolve inner conflicts and feelings of insecurity. (I knew somewhat, or was perhaps persuades into thinking that what she was hinting at were the dark past I faced...). The teacher said i need to look into my 2nd chakra point, which is out of balance. It's a point which deals with emotions, and which may result in fear of having pleasure, being out of touch with feelings, and also being resistant to change. And there is also something I need to resolve with my mother, she said (which was very alarming when she mentioned this, especially as I'm so tied down by my relationship with her...), and that I need to be able to let go of things, or otherwise I cannot progress and will always be turnoff around in a karmic circle that keeps on repeating itself...
The fortune teller did not say, could not say whether my ex is "the One". Tarot card reading is not like that; it's not like more conventional and local forms of fortunetelling whereby your life and events and even partner can be foretold, the lady explained. Thirty percent, the "unseen" can be foretold by the tarot teacher, but the rest of the seventy percent depends on yourself. She did not say whether my ex and I will have a future or whether we are compatible... We know best how we suit one another or not. Even if he is not compatible, not the one, fundamentally I'll always have the same issues repeat themselves whoever I am with. Insecurity, dependence, overly self sacrificing and feeling not understood enough are my own issues and comes from within me. Even with the "right one" those feelings and insecurities will not go away until I myself make some changes. I need to open up, to let go of the past, and to trust. But of course the other person must make efforts to prove that he is trustworthy, the other person must also be willing to make make changes and compromises so that If we are to start something again, we break from that old, vicious cycle of insecurity and distrust, of being separated and unwilling to let go, and yet tormenting ourselves fearing whether we are letting a wonderful chance of a lifetime just go by.
She read my heart and told me deep down I'm not ready to let go yet, but I'm very afraid to be hurt again, and that I have difficulty in trusting again. She said I deep down want to have contact and no longer ignore his attempts to make contact, but I am just unsure what renewing contact will bring. I fear renewing contact will undo the healing that I have managed to do on my own for three months now. I fear I'll too quickly fall for his words and promises (only he knows whether they are true words and true promises, only he will have to live with his conscience...). But I know deep down this is too good, there is too much there to just let things go without trying again.
"I recommend you renew contact..." was what she wrote on a piece of paper. She can't tell me definitively what will happen, because life and love can change when two people are willing to work to change, work to jump out of the dark past and painful memories. Two people, with compromise and understanding, with letting go of certain things and embracing flaws and faults in one another can make breathe new life into a stalled relationship.
09 March 2012
Fortune
There is an ancient text called Yi-Ching (the Book of Changes) which great visionaries and philosophers, like Confucius himself, used to predict... changes. Wars, disease, the rise and fall of empires and dynasties have been accurately portrayed by the text, which is often used in Taiwan as a means of fortune telling.
Superstition or myth, there are many who find comfort in predictions made by fortunetellers, and my mum is one of them. The other day I looked at her calendar and noticed she had an appointment planned I had no knowledge of. When I asked, she told me it was with the fortuneteller she has visited for almost two decades.
You can dissect everything that follows with a dose of suspicion or dismiss it all as a con. As soon as we entered, the man recognised mum and said he "saw" her a couple of days ago. He somehow remembered that mum has a problem in her intestines, and my brother lives in the Netherlands.
He began performing his art, tossed an amulet of some sort which had three ancient coins attached to the end into the air three times. Each time, the coins displayed a different pattern whenever they fell on the table, and he noted the patterns with a series of lines and dots.
"Ah..." he began. The fortuneteller spoke about mum's health, and how especially her upper portion (the head area) is very weak. "Too many thoughts and worries," he pointed out. He suggested mum get a brain scan, because there may be something wrong there. When I heard that, I thought about what the neurosurgeon who performed mum's CyberKnife treatment mentioned some weeks ago, about possible spreading to section C2, which is just below the lower part of the brain. Till now, mum has been reluctant to receive treatment, which the doctor recommends as preventative. If the suspected spread is indeed cancerous erosion of that part of the spine, it may be a matter of time till the cancer spreads to the brain...
The fortuneteller continued reading mum's future. "You should do what the doctor tells you. If he recommends surgery, then do it." What was not clear was whether he was referring to the spinal surgery, which mum has already undergone, or the follow-up CyberKnife treatment, which technically is not a "surgery" per se.
From the series of lines and dots he drew, the fortune teller wrote down a number of Chinese characters, all of which originate from The Book of Changes. Each stroke, each line represents a symbol, a character, which can be deciphered to elaborate or predict a narrative of events in the Universe, or in the life of a person based on the person's exact time, date, month and year of birth.
"There are many things on your mind. You worry too much!" he said. What worry, I have always wondered. What is it that makes mum look so glum and so depressed every single day? Nothing seems to make her feel good, nothing seems to cheer her up. Of course, being ill, being unable to eat and unable to sleep well has a heavy toll on your physical and mental state of wellbeing. But I have long suspected that there is something on mum's mind that she is not sharing with me. And if not with me, then she almost definitely will not share with any one else.
"You are too concerned with dying!" I looked at mum as he said that, and there was an expression of surprise on her face. Surprise, because she was so surprised that he spoke her mind. "Don't think too much about when you will go [euphemism for die]! This is something people have told you so many times, but you do not listen. Live happily! If you are really going to die tonight, as long as you are happy during the day, then at least you have lived happily!"
For a long time I thought mum has made peace with death, but apparently she has not. We have on several occasions had heart-to-heart talks about dying. I was always under the impression that with the teachings of Buddhism and books that align her bookshelf which deal with illness and death, she is able to face it all with calm and acceptance. But it seems death has been occupying mum's mind for a long time, and is weighing her down. I suspected it, but it never dawned on me how heavy a burden dying is on her mind... Is it every waking moment she thinks or worries about dying, or as she put it, her "flame fading"? Does she sit there in her chair and allow her mind and thoughts to drift to dying... when she will die, how she will die, how alone she may be when she does die, how painful and lonesome that moment of dying will be...?
Perhaps my greatest worry is mum's mental wellbeing, for if her mind is not well, how can her body ever get well? And more and more, I notice mum slide gradually into depression and withdraw from the world. That is a worrying phenomenon, something I can hope pray will change soon. Perhaps with the encouragements and warnings of the fortuneteller, mum will wake up and really start living, and stop worrying.
"What have you got to worry about? Your children are doing well. The more you worry, the less your health will improve. Stop worrying!" Mum looked a bit less troubled, and it seemed like her fears and worries were addressed by the man's words. She turned the conversation a little towards me, and asked about my career prospects.
The fortuneteller told me to to randomly flip through a little calendar and stop at three different dates. As I flipped through the calendar, he told me to quietly think about my career and where I want to be.
He noted the dates, and drew another set of strokes and dots.
"You have nothing to worry about your son," he said. He wrote down a number of words, then drew a trough-and-peak diagram, and at the very bottom of a trough he marked a dot. "This is where he is now. Things can't get any worse. He is stalled and cannot progress. But look, things can only get better! He will have a very successful career. You have nothing to worry about."
I looked at mum, with a look of "See, nothing to worry about! I told you so!" Prior to making this prediction, I told the guy nothing at all about myself or my life. He does not even know my name. And I doubt my mum called him up beforehand to tell him things about me or my life. Believe it or not, superstition or otherwise, I was surprised by the accuracy of how he described my life now.
I really am in a deep "recession" (perhaps worse than the economic crisis in the Euro-zone), and things cannot get any worse. My studies have stalled, my career prospects seem, well, there are no prospects to speak of at the moment. Much of this is due to my preoccupation with mum's declining health. I am not blaming her or circumstances, for this is my life, this is my fate, and I am, and have only ever been, trying to make the best of it all. It really is not because I like being in-between and staying at home doing nothing constructive. I have ambitions, I know I can do something with my life, I know I can contribute to this world and make it a little bit better. I know I can make a difference, and I want to make a difference. But now the only difference I can make is in mum's life, and that is what I have been focusing on more or less for the past couple of years. My own life, my own future... I know I should be more concerned and think more about what I want, but I really have put my own life in the background.
And I know, I have been telling myself things can only get better. The fortuneteller continued: "He will have lots of success. Things may be slow, he may not have much in the beginning. He will have to work hard and sow, but soon he will reap the benefits. Nothing to worry about."
For some reason, when he said that, I thought about the law exams I am aiming to complete. (In fact, just yesterday I registered for an exam due this coming May. Whether I will actually be able to sit it is another issue. But at least I am making steps to make it happen...) Qualifying for the bar has been on my mind for a while, and I promised myself last year when I began that in the immediate future, they are my priorities. It will be a long road ahead, I know. But when I think of it, what have I not accomplished when I set my mind to something? And even if it is a difficult road ahead, is anything as difficult as facing the illness of loved ones, and dealing with what I have been dealing with for so many years now? I want to qualify as a lawyer. I will qualify as a lawyer!
"This guy, his future is outside the country! What can he do here in Taiwan? He is best going abroad!" In a way, I have been curious myself whether I should be with mum and relocate. In a way, I am myself afraid of making a "wrong" decision and fear that if I give up everything and come back here, I will be miserable and live with great regret. In a way, I wanted to know too what is best for me. And inadvertently, without me asking, he told me the answer. I was relieved, because it was an answer I myself wanted to hear, an answer I myself feel so strongly drawn to, even though I have contemplated again and again whether I can, whether I should make that ultimate "sacrifice" (though that words sounds too grandiose and pompous... for doing something for someone you love and care about dearly, especially your parent, cannot really be called sacrifice, can it?) and relocate just to be with mum. Now I have my "answer". One that is settling and reassuring. Of course, this does not mean I can leave mum this time tomorrow, and I will not do that. I will still care, I will still come back to visit her whenever it is necessary. What the fortuneteller said gave me a sure sign, a confirmation from outside, that it is OK to go pursue your own life and ambitions, something I have always feared conflicts with my 'obligations' (again, another laden word that I am using for lack of a better one I can think of...) toward my own mother...
"With the way he treats you with love and devotion, the ancestors will watch over him..." I was so touched by his words, I had to hold back my tears. Can it be possible, that you are touched by the things that you do for others? Is it an unhealthy boost of self-ego to be touched by how someone praises you about what you do for your mother? I have never really asked for the ancestors for much, except to watch over my family, watch over mum's health. And it is reassuring to know they are with me, and watching over me always. It gave me a real boost of confidence, told me I could really go do anything and not be afraid. It filled me with such faith, such courage.
The conversation turned back to mum. "You have to get out more and move. Even for ten minutes a day, you still have to get out and move," the fortuneteller said. He warned her, the less she moves, the more she will lose mobility in her legs. That prospect was very difficult to digest, so I asked whether that is a certainty or just a possibility. "If you exercise more, you do not need to come to that. Get out more!"
"What about going abroad?" I asked, mindful that my own graduation is in June, and that it has always been a beautiful dream of mine to bring my family together in Canada to attend my graduation. "She is in no condition to travel far. An hour or so on the plane is alright, but how many hours is it to Canada?" Too many... I had feared this. Seeing mum's health deteriorate so rapidly over the span of the past month has greatly disheartened my hopes that she can make it to Canada to be at the day that perhaps matters the most in my entire academic life... I even have been thinking of coming back to fetch mum just to make sure she will be alright on the long, long crossing around the world. But the fortuneteller's words dashed my hopes... I know, there may still be hope yet, and mum may still recover her strength between now and June, in three months' time. But what was said disappointed greatly...
He continued prophesising about mum's life in the coming period "In the lunar month of July, you may even have difficulty standing up. September and December are going to be difficult months," he warned, again meaning the lunar months, which is around October and January of next year in the western calendar, "You have to be careful with your health." I made a mental note of those months.
"Just be happy! Don't worry too much about everything else. Get out more! Really, just be happy! Nothing else is important." With those words, our consultation ended.
Mum and I walked slowly away. Fortunetelling may not be able to provide all the answers. It may not necessary be the tell you all you want to hear and how to live your life. But in desperate times, they do provide a source of comfort and hope.
Superstition or myth, there are many who find comfort in predictions made by fortunetellers, and my mum is one of them. The other day I looked at her calendar and noticed she had an appointment planned I had no knowledge of. When I asked, she told me it was with the fortuneteller she has visited for almost two decades.
You can dissect everything that follows with a dose of suspicion or dismiss it all as a con. As soon as we entered, the man recognised mum and said he "saw" her a couple of days ago. He somehow remembered that mum has a problem in her intestines, and my brother lives in the Netherlands.
He began performing his art, tossed an amulet of some sort which had three ancient coins attached to the end into the air three times. Each time, the coins displayed a different pattern whenever they fell on the table, and he noted the patterns with a series of lines and dots.
"Ah..." he began. The fortuneteller spoke about mum's health, and how especially her upper portion (the head area) is very weak. "Too many thoughts and worries," he pointed out. He suggested mum get a brain scan, because there may be something wrong there. When I heard that, I thought about what the neurosurgeon who performed mum's CyberKnife treatment mentioned some weeks ago, about possible spreading to section C2, which is just below the lower part of the brain. Till now, mum has been reluctant to receive treatment, which the doctor recommends as preventative. If the suspected spread is indeed cancerous erosion of that part of the spine, it may be a matter of time till the cancer spreads to the brain...
The fortuneteller continued reading mum's future. "You should do what the doctor tells you. If he recommends surgery, then do it." What was not clear was whether he was referring to the spinal surgery, which mum has already undergone, or the follow-up CyberKnife treatment, which technically is not a "surgery" per se.
From the series of lines and dots he drew, the fortune teller wrote down a number of Chinese characters, all of which originate from The Book of Changes. Each stroke, each line represents a symbol, a character, which can be deciphered to elaborate or predict a narrative of events in the Universe, or in the life of a person based on the person's exact time, date, month and year of birth.
"There are many things on your mind. You worry too much!" he said. What worry, I have always wondered. What is it that makes mum look so glum and so depressed every single day? Nothing seems to make her feel good, nothing seems to cheer her up. Of course, being ill, being unable to eat and unable to sleep well has a heavy toll on your physical and mental state of wellbeing. But I have long suspected that there is something on mum's mind that she is not sharing with me. And if not with me, then she almost definitely will not share with any one else.
"You are too concerned with dying!" I looked at mum as he said that, and there was an expression of surprise on her face. Surprise, because she was so surprised that he spoke her mind. "Don't think too much about when you will go [euphemism for die]! This is something people have told you so many times, but you do not listen. Live happily! If you are really going to die tonight, as long as you are happy during the day, then at least you have lived happily!"
For a long time I thought mum has made peace with death, but apparently she has not. We have on several occasions had heart-to-heart talks about dying. I was always under the impression that with the teachings of Buddhism and books that align her bookshelf which deal with illness and death, she is able to face it all with calm and acceptance. But it seems death has been occupying mum's mind for a long time, and is weighing her down. I suspected it, but it never dawned on me how heavy a burden dying is on her mind... Is it every waking moment she thinks or worries about dying, or as she put it, her "flame fading"? Does she sit there in her chair and allow her mind and thoughts to drift to dying... when she will die, how she will die, how alone she may be when she does die, how painful and lonesome that moment of dying will be...?
Perhaps my greatest worry is mum's mental wellbeing, for if her mind is not well, how can her body ever get well? And more and more, I notice mum slide gradually into depression and withdraw from the world. That is a worrying phenomenon, something I can hope pray will change soon. Perhaps with the encouragements and warnings of the fortuneteller, mum will wake up and really start living, and stop worrying.
"What have you got to worry about? Your children are doing well. The more you worry, the less your health will improve. Stop worrying!" Mum looked a bit less troubled, and it seemed like her fears and worries were addressed by the man's words. She turned the conversation a little towards me, and asked about my career prospects.
The fortuneteller told me to to randomly flip through a little calendar and stop at three different dates. As I flipped through the calendar, he told me to quietly think about my career and where I want to be.
He noted the dates, and drew another set of strokes and dots.
"You have nothing to worry about your son," he said. He wrote down a number of words, then drew a trough-and-peak diagram, and at the very bottom of a trough he marked a dot. "This is where he is now. Things can't get any worse. He is stalled and cannot progress. But look, things can only get better! He will have a very successful career. You have nothing to worry about."
I looked at mum, with a look of "See, nothing to worry about! I told you so!" Prior to making this prediction, I told the guy nothing at all about myself or my life. He does not even know my name. And I doubt my mum called him up beforehand to tell him things about me or my life. Believe it or not, superstition or otherwise, I was surprised by the accuracy of how he described my life now.
I really am in a deep "recession" (perhaps worse than the economic crisis in the Euro-zone), and things cannot get any worse. My studies have stalled, my career prospects seem, well, there are no prospects to speak of at the moment. Much of this is due to my preoccupation with mum's declining health. I am not blaming her or circumstances, for this is my life, this is my fate, and I am, and have only ever been, trying to make the best of it all. It really is not because I like being in-between and staying at home doing nothing constructive. I have ambitions, I know I can do something with my life, I know I can contribute to this world and make it a little bit better. I know I can make a difference, and I want to make a difference. But now the only difference I can make is in mum's life, and that is what I have been focusing on more or less for the past couple of years. My own life, my own future... I know I should be more concerned and think more about what I want, but I really have put my own life in the background.
And I know, I have been telling myself things can only get better. The fortuneteller continued: "He will have lots of success. Things may be slow, he may not have much in the beginning. He will have to work hard and sow, but soon he will reap the benefits. Nothing to worry about."
For some reason, when he said that, I thought about the law exams I am aiming to complete. (In fact, just yesterday I registered for an exam due this coming May. Whether I will actually be able to sit it is another issue. But at least I am making steps to make it happen...) Qualifying for the bar has been on my mind for a while, and I promised myself last year when I began that in the immediate future, they are my priorities. It will be a long road ahead, I know. But when I think of it, what have I not accomplished when I set my mind to something? And even if it is a difficult road ahead, is anything as difficult as facing the illness of loved ones, and dealing with what I have been dealing with for so many years now? I want to qualify as a lawyer. I will qualify as a lawyer!
"This guy, his future is outside the country! What can he do here in Taiwan? He is best going abroad!" In a way, I have been curious myself whether I should be with mum and relocate. In a way, I am myself afraid of making a "wrong" decision and fear that if I give up everything and come back here, I will be miserable and live with great regret. In a way, I wanted to know too what is best for me. And inadvertently, without me asking, he told me the answer. I was relieved, because it was an answer I myself wanted to hear, an answer I myself feel so strongly drawn to, even though I have contemplated again and again whether I can, whether I should make that ultimate "sacrifice" (though that words sounds too grandiose and pompous... for doing something for someone you love and care about dearly, especially your parent, cannot really be called sacrifice, can it?) and relocate just to be with mum. Now I have my "answer". One that is settling and reassuring. Of course, this does not mean I can leave mum this time tomorrow, and I will not do that. I will still care, I will still come back to visit her whenever it is necessary. What the fortuneteller said gave me a sure sign, a confirmation from outside, that it is OK to go pursue your own life and ambitions, something I have always feared conflicts with my 'obligations' (again, another laden word that I am using for lack of a better one I can think of...) toward my own mother...
"With the way he treats you with love and devotion, the ancestors will watch over him..." I was so touched by his words, I had to hold back my tears. Can it be possible, that you are touched by the things that you do for others? Is it an unhealthy boost of self-ego to be touched by how someone praises you about what you do for your mother? I have never really asked for the ancestors for much, except to watch over my family, watch over mum's health. And it is reassuring to know they are with me, and watching over me always. It gave me a real boost of confidence, told me I could really go do anything and not be afraid. It filled me with such faith, such courage.
The conversation turned back to mum. "You have to get out more and move. Even for ten minutes a day, you still have to get out and move," the fortuneteller said. He warned her, the less she moves, the more she will lose mobility in her legs. That prospect was very difficult to digest, so I asked whether that is a certainty or just a possibility. "If you exercise more, you do not need to come to that. Get out more!"
"What about going abroad?" I asked, mindful that my own graduation is in June, and that it has always been a beautiful dream of mine to bring my family together in Canada to attend my graduation. "She is in no condition to travel far. An hour or so on the plane is alright, but how many hours is it to Canada?" Too many... I had feared this. Seeing mum's health deteriorate so rapidly over the span of the past month has greatly disheartened my hopes that she can make it to Canada to be at the day that perhaps matters the most in my entire academic life... I even have been thinking of coming back to fetch mum just to make sure she will be alright on the long, long crossing around the world. But the fortuneteller's words dashed my hopes... I know, there may still be hope yet, and mum may still recover her strength between now and June, in three months' time. But what was said disappointed greatly...
He continued prophesising about mum's life in the coming period "In the lunar month of July, you may even have difficulty standing up. September and December are going to be difficult months," he warned, again meaning the lunar months, which is around October and January of next year in the western calendar, "You have to be careful with your health." I made a mental note of those months.
"Just be happy! Don't worry too much about everything else. Get out more! Really, just be happy! Nothing else is important." With those words, our consultation ended.
Mum and I walked slowly away. Fortunetelling may not be able to provide all the answers. It may not necessary be the tell you all you want to hear and how to live your life. But in desperate times, they do provide a source of comfort and hope.
15 February 2012
Life planning
 |
| A provocative campaign to raise awareness for colorectal cancer. |
The question been on my mind for some time. What are alternatives are there if one
were to opt to stop all treatment? I know what the likely consequences
of that will be, but what does that mean in practical terms? What does
that mean at the "end of the road"?
I saw the words "HOPE" on an billboard at a metro station some weeks back. It was an ad for a charitable foundation specialised in providing support and aid for cancer patients and their families. So I looked up the address, and used the time alone to pay the charity a visit.
It was a little office in a residential area, located in an obscure side street. And yet, on the door, in big colourful letters "Little Station of Hope". The organisation has existed since 1982, and was formed by a number of doctors and nurses who wanted to create a body to provide cancer patients and their families exactly what the name says: hope. Hope in terms of offering medical advice, organising gatherings and courses, offering counseling and financial support for those in need. There are even books and wigs you can borrow if you need to.
It was a little office in a residential area, located in an obscure side street. And yet, on the door, in big colourful letters "Little Station of Hope". The organisation has existed since 1982, and was formed by a number of doctors and nurses who wanted to create a body to provide cancer patients and their families exactly what the name says: hope. Hope in terms of offering medical advice, organising gatherings and courses, offering counseling and financial support for those in need. There are even books and wigs you can borrow if you need to.
When I entered, it was very busy, for a class just ended. I stood by the door for a little while before a lady came up to me and asked what I was interested in. She was
extremely friendly and listened to me describe mum's condition and
treatments over the last six years. Surgery to remove a Stage III tumour
on the colon in 22006, relapse in 2008 and annual chemotherapy ever since. I had
pictures of mum's medical report stored on my phone, so I listed the
drugs mum has used or taken.
"Four years already?
She's done chemotherapy for four years?" There was disbelief in her
voice. And from her expression I could see she finally understood why
mum (and I, or perhaps I most of all?) are considering to just "let
things be". "Oh, she really has used all the possible drugs there
are..."
And I reminded her that mum also did radiotherapy last year, and underwent a major surgery a month and a half ago. And just today, she completed four sessions of cyberknife treatment. What else is there that she has not tried? And the cancer keeps returning, keeps popping up in other areas... So brave, so very brave is my dear mother... I could burst into tears at the mere thought of how much she underwent in the past couple of years, and how long I have accompanied her on this journey. I held back...
And I reminded her that mum also did radiotherapy last year, and underwent a major surgery a month and a half ago. And just today, she completed four sessions of cyberknife treatment. What else is there that she has not tried? And the cancer keeps returning, keeps popping up in other areas... So brave, so very brave is my dear mother... I could burst into tears at the mere thought of how much she underwent in the past couple of years, and how long I have accompanied her on this journey. I held back...
The nurse-volunteer explained to me the possibilities, and
that at this stage it is too early to say in detail what kind of care
mum would need. Frankly, we are not there yet, despite mum's worsening sores and continually weak health. But of course it is always good to think ahead, to plan ahead. To plan for life (and, yes, plan for dying and death...).
"Palliative care" is an
option if you don't want to continue any form of treatment. In line with what I have been thinking, it doesn't mean giving up. It just means that the patient stops receiving treatment for cancer and just "let things be". The focus will then to alleviate pain and ensure the patient is as comfortable as possible, till the very end You still have to go to the hospital every two months or so to followup on
developments. If there are symptoms, or any worsening of the illness,
the doctor can prescribe ways to reduce or alleviate the pain.
 |
| Four celebrities, joined by members of the public, are doing a 21-day run around the island to raise awareness for ovarian cancer. |
"It
may be possible the cancer will spread to her stomach, damage her
digestive system, infiltrate the kidneys..." the care worker explained. By that point, feeding regimes will have to be established, and also we will have to think about ways to get rid of any bodily wastes. By that point, at the very end, mum will definitely need constant care and need someone to be by her side all the time to attend to her needs. Much like the first weeks immediately after her surgery. All this can be done at the hospital, or at home, where a healthcare worker can visit regularly to ensure a comfortable and dignified end. Should things come to that, details will have to be talked through with the doctor and healthcare workers.
The way she described possible outcomes of not proceeding with treatment sounded daunting, bleak and frankly painful. But is not the alternative, of being in the hospital day in and day out, of being so physically and mentally eroded by chemicals and medicine, really a better option? I will have to return another day and bring mum to talk about all of this. For it is her life, and she must understand and get to fully know what the possibilities are.
"For now, just do as you have always done," the nurse-volunteer said. Be like normal people, do things you enjoy, travel. There is no reason not to. There really is no reason not to.
"Have you thought about what your plans are?" she asked.
I was taken aback by her question, for I went to the charity with mum's condition in mind, and had not really thought me or my plans would be brought up. I told her my life over the past few years, all the traveling, all those restless, and at times sleepless, nights. I told her my fears of committing to anything, whether it's a career or in my personal life. She listened quietly and nodded. She understood.
"Often what a parent wants is not for you to give up everything because she is ill..." she said, "Of course cancer can affect family members and future plans, but have you thought about perhaps your mum would be happier and can "go" easier if you were more settled?"
I did. All of this I did think about. I know, and I can see that my presence over the long run can cause her much grief, much pressure-- to the extent that she has even told me before she would want to "go" (ie die) quicker so I can go off and start living, instead of hanging around her and taking care of her. But there is always this fear.... this incessant fear that if I go off and pursue my dreams and my happiness, I may miss that day she...
"Sounds like there are no regrets between you and your mother," she said calmly, "There does not necessarily need to be a conflict between being there for your mother and doing what you want in life." How many people like my mum and me has she come across throughout her career and her time at the charity? The feelings of care, of love and fears of losing a dear, dear one is universal. "If there are no regrets, then that does not mean you are abandoning her. You can still give her moral support, talk to her often, encourage her. I am sure you will be there at that crucial end..."
I sure hope I will be, I can be... I so much do hope so... But that is not for me to decide, for I cannot influence fate, I cannot influence the way or speed at which mum's cancer chooses to grow or spread... I cannot influence, let alone control, the unknown future.
All I can do is find mum a network of support she can turn to other than me, for I am not a medical expert, nor am I someone who can fully relate to what it feels like, what it really feels like, to be a cancer patient. All I can do is show her there are other options than face treatment after treatment.
And this is what I am trying to do. Trying to do.
"For now, just do as you have always done," the nurse-volunteer said. Be like normal people, do things you enjoy, travel. There is no reason not to. There really is no reason not to.
"Have you thought about what your plans are?" she asked.
I was taken aback by her question, for I went to the charity with mum's condition in mind, and had not really thought me or my plans would be brought up. I told her my life over the past few years, all the traveling, all those restless, and at times sleepless, nights. I told her my fears of committing to anything, whether it's a career or in my personal life. She listened quietly and nodded. She understood.
"Often what a parent wants is not for you to give up everything because she is ill..." she said, "Of course cancer can affect family members and future plans, but have you thought about perhaps your mum would be happier and can "go" easier if you were more settled?"
I did. All of this I did think about. I know, and I can see that my presence over the long run can cause her much grief, much pressure-- to the extent that she has even told me before she would want to "go" (ie die) quicker so I can go off and start living, instead of hanging around her and taking care of her. But there is always this fear.... this incessant fear that if I go off and pursue my dreams and my happiness, I may miss that day she...
"Sounds like there are no regrets between you and your mother," she said calmly, "There does not necessarily need to be a conflict between being there for your mother and doing what you want in life." How many people like my mum and me has she come across throughout her career and her time at the charity? The feelings of care, of love and fears of losing a dear, dear one is universal. "If there are no regrets, then that does not mean you are abandoning her. You can still give her moral support, talk to her often, encourage her. I am sure you will be there at that crucial end..."
I sure hope I will be, I can be... I so much do hope so... But that is not for me to decide, for I cannot influence fate, I cannot influence the way or speed at which mum's cancer chooses to grow or spread... I cannot influence, let alone control, the unknown future.
All I can do is find mum a network of support she can turn to other than me, for I am not a medical expert, nor am I someone who can fully relate to what it feels like, what it really feels like, to be a cancer patient. All I can do is show her there are other options than face treatment after treatment.
And this is what I am trying to do. Trying to do.
02 February 2012
pushing too much?
Do I really care and want the best for my mum? Am I pushing mum too much
and telling her what's best for her? Am I running her life for her as I
see it should be lived? How is it that I cannot shake away the idea
that I seem to be deciding things for her, from her upcoming treatment
(with her consultation and consent over the phone before I signed the
agreement to proceed...) to whether or not to proceed with further
treatment, and now her decision whether to move to a whole new city...?
How much responsibility must I shoulder should everything become
horribly awry? Will I he able to live with myself and live with the
consequences of making her choose?
I mean her well, I really do. Of course, I cannot hide the fact that if she is in the new city where there are a lot more people who are relatives and more than just acquaintances, that would take a lot of burden off of my shoulders. But that does not mean I will shrug off all my responsibilities and just leave my mum to the care of others. I mean well, and I just hope in this final stage of her life, she can live and enjoy it in a secure and comfortable environment, in the proximity of people she knows, people she is comfortable with, people who cab offer various kinds of support and guidance, assurance and comfort. I think she will have a better chance of finding that in Taichung, the prospective new city. As she told me today, "Taipei is a cold (冷漠）place..."
Her words, not mine.
I mean her well, I really do. Of course, I cannot hide the fact that if she is in the new city where there are a lot more people who are relatives and more than just acquaintances, that would take a lot of burden off of my shoulders. But that does not mean I will shrug off all my responsibilities and just leave my mum to the care of others. I mean well, and I just hope in this final stage of her life, she can live and enjoy it in a secure and comfortable environment, in the proximity of people she knows, people she is comfortable with, people who cab offer various kinds of support and guidance, assurance and comfort. I think she will have a better chance of finding that in Taichung, the prospective new city. As she told me today, "Taipei is a cold (冷漠）place..."
Her words, not mine.
01 February 2012
Medium
I didn't say a word. Not a single word about who I am or what is wrong with mum.
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
25 January 2012
No more, no more...
Tears were rolling in her eyes, she said as she recalled that day when she opened my thesis and read my dedication. It is things like that she lives for, she said... Touching moments in life, not hospital treatments and doctor's appointments.
I bit the inside of my lower lip, so hard I could taste my own blood. Biting the insides of my lips is something I have learned can control the tears. Strange, because it hurts so much, but the physical pain perhaps overpowers the mental pain...
I hesitated to say it, but it has been on my mind a long time. I hesitate because I wonder... is it for her own good that I am saying this, or for my own selfish interests? Is it because I don't want to be (t)here to take care of mum, as I have done on and off for the past three years or so, or is it really because I have her best interests at heart?
"Stop the treatments", I suggested. Stop them completely.
No more chemotherapies...
No more radiotherapies...
No more cancer indices...
No more scans and tests and injections...
No more hospital visits, no more sitting in the crowded corridors and waiting, and waiting...
No more, no more...
I know I have alluded to my message before, so it was not a shocker. The reality is this: the cancer is spreading, unstoppably. How fast, how slow, I am not sure. What is certain is if you treat one place, another problem area pops up. For now, the the greatest source of her pain, the tumour compressing on the spine, has been removed. And in a few days she is due for treatment to (hopefully) eradicate any remaining traces of the cancer on the spine.
And then what? Her main physician referred to the fact that she may need to undergo more chemotherapy after the upcoming radiotherapy to contain her illness. Yes, contain, because there is no cure once cancer metastasises, which it already has. And sometime ago, he told mum that there are no drugs that are effective any more, because she's used them all. Once you have used one, the cancer cells become resistant. The chemo just kills the healthy cells and has very little effect on the ones you want to kill. Xeloda, Folfox, Folfiri, Erbitux... what else is there out there? And if the treatments are not working, why keep on doing it? How much more money must we burn through to continue with treatment after treatment? It's not about the money... it's about the dignity and quality of life.
How painful is it to watch a dear one suffer? How painful is it to watch your loved one bend over the toilet bowl and choke on her own vomit? How painful is it to have to quickly sweep away the falling strands of hair so that the one you care about more than life itself does not have to be reminded of her hair loss...? Multiply my feelings tenfold, hundredfold, and that pain would never ever equate the pain, fears and anxieties mum feels undergoing treatment after treatment, time after time. Is it any wonder why mum would like to "end it all"? Is it any wonder mum is becoming dazed and numb and looks so very, very tired...?
So stop it all.
Stop it all and let fate take its course?
Stop it all, and let the demonic cells grow and multiply, feed and fester inside her body until one day her body is but a rotten, cancerous corpse...?
After signing the agreement to proceed with cyberknife, with what I suggested to mum, why do I again feel like mum's life is placed in my hands...? Do I hold the warrant to her life (and death)? Is it because I really care, or I am too tired of caring any more and want this to quickly end?
How heavy, how very, very heavy that burden, that responsibility is... how heavy it is to tell your own mother to give up on treatment while she is ahead, knowing fully well what the outcome of that decision might be... And where was brother while we are discussing such a life changing matter, discussing the future life of our dear mother? Playing mahjong with his new family elsewhere in the country. Is she not also my brother's mother...?
Mum understood what I was saying, and perhaps why I was saying it. It's soon her sixtieth birthday... does she want to spend the last few years, months, or however long she has still, of her life going in and out of the hospital? She's lived that life for the last four years, and I have lived it, from afar and from close by, with her. Sixty years of life she's almost had, and would it not be a shame if it were all overshadowed by the pain and misery of the confinement of the hospital walls in that final leg of her journey in this universe? Dad experienced it, my uncle, who is perhaps nearing the end of his life, is experiencing it... so many people I have seen in the past few years just seem to rot away in hospitals. And how horrible that is... how undignified, and what a crude and colourless way to leave this world that is!
"Don't you want to see more of the world? See the flowers blossom in Spring in Europe again?" I was reminded of a story she once shared with me about this elderly couple, both of who got cancer. The husband (or was it the wife?) decided to go travel, see and explore the world and seize his days, while the wife (or husband) decided to stay home. The latter died soon after, while the other traveled the world and experienced life in a totally new light... Eventually, with absolute certainty, we will all die. But we may be able to influence the way we die, or at the very least the final days and moments before we die. Is this naive make-belief or bravely and confidently facing death?
I know mum was moved by my words, and I know deep down, she agrees with me, for she has on so many occasions expressed to me her disdain for hospitals and building fatigue of having to go through so many treatments, take so many different pills-- all of which are stacked up on her shelf like little mounds. But can she really just "go"? Can she really "live and let live", as they say? In this case, it really is about living, and letting life live itself for however much longer, in whatever way it carries you...
Of course, ultimately it is mum's decision. But one that will have a bearing on my life and my future. What if she follows my advice and urgings and suffers a horrible, painful end? Will I be able to live the rest of my life knowing I influenced the person dearest to my heart, to my life, to forgo the chance at prolonging her life by forgoing medical treatment...? Will I be haunted by nightmares, more than ever before, and tormented by a guilty conscience if influenced by what I said mum stops everything?
Ask me in a month's time, and perhaps this issue may be moot.
Ask me in a year's time, and perhaps these questions will have been answered.
03 December 2011
YUL-LHR
YUL-LHR
Another flight, another night spent on the plane. I know I promised myself I wouldn't travel, but here I am flying away again...
At least the flight is pretty empty, and I can stretch out over two seats, and hopefully catch a wink before the five hours or so is up. I feel like I haven't really slept much over the past two weeks or so. Just rushing here and there, and at night working till late in the morning, either on my thesis, or over the last couple of days, on the special scrapbook for my ex's birthday. The lack of sleep, the tiredness and red eyes are all worth it, for finally i have (almost) completed my thesis and therefore also the degree I began over three years ago.
It means a heavy burden off my shoulders, and time to move onto something else... the tiredness, lack of sleep and red eyes are worth it also if only to see the beautiful surprise on my friend's face when he pieces together the little surprises and clues to realise what I've been planning (plotting!) all these months, if only to make him smile again, especially after a lot of hurt and pain I've caused him, especially what we've both endured in recent times.
Of course, I'm not just going to surprise him at his house. I'm also journeying to see my brother and his new family, and importantly see my nephew for the first time. How special is that.... I used to get so excited and become so touched by my godson, but imagine now I have a baby in my own family, a baby who is related to me, and in some distant way, a part of me.
This afternoon, I rushed to the bookstore to pick out some gifts for my nephew. At the baby section, I just grabbed these colourful and beautiful and cute books. I didn't even look at the prices, and just put them all into my basket. It ended up costing over a hundred dollars, but I didn't think too much of it...
Because it's for my nephew... Because I want him, even though I've never even met him yet, to have the best of everything, and since the day i learned if his existence, i vowed silently that I'll try and provide what I can to give him a boost in life (on top of what my brother and sister-in-law provide to him, of course.) Since my brother asked me the other day to pick out some English language books, I've been browsing online for them and getting excited myself by all the possible things I could get for him...
And soon, I'll deliver it all into my nephew's hands.
Another flight, another night spent on the plane. I know I promised myself I wouldn't travel, but here I am flying away again...
At least the flight is pretty empty, and I can stretch out over two seats, and hopefully catch a wink before the five hours or so is up. I feel like I haven't really slept much over the past two weeks or so. Just rushing here and there, and at night working till late in the morning, either on my thesis, or over the last couple of days, on the special scrapbook for my ex's birthday. The lack of sleep, the tiredness and red eyes are all worth it, for finally i have (almost) completed my thesis and therefore also the degree I began over three years ago.
It means a heavy burden off my shoulders, and time to move onto something else... the tiredness, lack of sleep and red eyes are worth it also if only to see the beautiful surprise on my friend's face when he pieces together the little surprises and clues to realise what I've been planning (plotting!) all these months, if only to make him smile again, especially after a lot of hurt and pain I've caused him, especially what we've both endured in recent times.
Of course, I'm not just going to surprise him at his house. I'm also journeying to see my brother and his new family, and importantly see my nephew for the first time. How special is that.... I used to get so excited and become so touched by my godson, but imagine now I have a baby in my own family, a baby who is related to me, and in some distant way, a part of me.
This afternoon, I rushed to the bookstore to pick out some gifts for my nephew. At the baby section, I just grabbed these colourful and beautiful and cute books. I didn't even look at the prices, and just put them all into my basket. It ended up costing over a hundred dollars, but I didn't think too much of it...
Because it's for my nephew... Because I want him, even though I've never even met him yet, to have the best of everything, and since the day i learned if his existence, i vowed silently that I'll try and provide what I can to give him a boost in life (on top of what my brother and sister-in-law provide to him, of course.) Since my brother asked me the other day to pick out some English language books, I've been browsing online for them and getting excited myself by all the possible things I could get for him...
And soon, I'll deliver it all into my nephew's hands.
13 August 2007
Lazy...
I’ve been sleeping most the day today. And not been doing much over the whole of last week. Again, another lazy episode in my life, even though I know that the deadline of my thesis is looming near. In the back of my mind I’m thinking to myself I’m lazy now, but when it comes to the day or night before the deadline I’ll be kicking myself and regretting how I spent all those days doing nothing. It’s always like this!
Just heard from my mum that she’s planning to visit next month. It’s all very sudden, and of course I’m happy to see her again. She told me how she really needs a break from her tiring job, and also partly (I’m guessing) to get away from living with my dad.
It’ll be good that she’s coming in September, because (hopefully!) I’ll be able to graduate then and be able to share the experience with her. Even though in this country we don’t have any official ceremony or celebration, it’s still a special day, and my parents have never been to any of my graduation yet.
To be honest, I’m a little ashamed. I’m about to graduate, but I don’t have anything waiting for me. Most of my friends are already planning to move on to the next study, or to do an internship somewhere, or starting to work… but I’m still here wondering what to do and how to support myself next year.
But my mum told me not to worry over the phone. She said whatever I decide to do, and wherever I decide to go, she’ll be there to support me.
I heard that, and felt like crying…
Why can’t I be independent yet? Why can’t I go out there and get a job to support myself yet? Why can’t I decide what I want to do in life and just settle somewhere and stop having to rely on my parents? Am I really that useless? Or just lazy?
She said I shouldn’t worry too much, and that she’d do anything because I’m her son. She kept on encouraging me, telling me not to give up, not to feel upset that I didn’t manage to get the dream job I wanted at the European Commission.
She told me to just try, and keep on trying. Get an internship somewhere for a few months… get some experience and prepare myself for the job market… even if the internship is not paid. None of them are paid, but they are like a full-time job, which means there’s no time to get another part-time paying job. But without experience, I’m nothing with just a degree from university! Frustrating…
Mum said she has planned it all, and it’ll be alright…
But it’s not alright… I feel so guilty!
02 May 2005
Sleepless in The Hague
Another sleepless night. Been lying in bed for almost an hour, and just
know if I don't get my thoughts out, I won't be able to rest. It happens
to me often, especially when so many things are on my mind, as now. And
listening to BBC World Service, or BNR Nieuws-radio does not help...the
stories of the troubled world of suicide bombings in Cairo,
hostage-taking in 'post-war' Iraq, historic handshakes of long separated
Chinese arch-enemies, President George W. Bush's 9pm sharp bedtime, etc
etc etc seems to make it all worse.
So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!
The sky at night...
Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.
Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.
Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!
So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!
I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"
So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!
The sky at night...
Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.
Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.
Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!
So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!
I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"
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