"Oh what I'd give for a hundred years..."

"Oh, what I'd give for a hundred years,

But the physical interferes,

Everyday more, my Creator.

Oh, what good is the strongest heart,

In a body that's falling apart...?"

The actress half lay on the floor, weakened and defeated. Illness has robbed her of her strength, her courage, her fame and glory. Death is lurking and stalking her, life is fading away. How Evita must have felt toward the end of her life? How powerfully it was captured in song and on stage by the performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical, one of my all time favorites...

The musical was a delight, and something I'd looked forward to some time. In my late teens, I listened to it repeatedly (without realising the true meaning of "dressed up to the nines" or "at sixes and sevens"). One song in particular, "another suitcase, another hall" I felt poignantly described my life.... Always moving, never stable, my family spread across the world, my destiny so unclear and unknown... And for those many years when (first dad and later to a greater extent) mum was ill, my suitcase was always close by and half packed ready to go at an instant's notice. 

Seeing Evita succumb to (as I realised only this weekend) cancer brought back a lot of emotions and memories... For the couple of months, I have been so consumed with work i feel like I've not even had time to "feel". Being someone who is normally in tune with and driven by emotions, I began to feel uncaring and detached from life and the rest of the world. I feel so drained and so very unhappy, even though I was busy and making more money than usual. Soon after the show, in my friends apartment, I stared out the window at the night cityscape, and described how I feel... 

And I sobbed. The first time in a long, long time, even though often at night, when all's so quiet when the world is asleep, the feelings of emptiness and longing flood my heart and bring me close to bursting out in tears. As I told my friend, more and more mum and dad appear before me together, whereas before it was either one or the other. 

Is it so that after some time the dead just get lumped together? Is it true that after some time you just blur death and all those memories of illness and hospital visits together? I've tried hard not to think of and let my thoughts drift there... But seeing evita on the floor and lamenting her body succumbing to illness, I could not do anything else...

Those long nights, and difficult days at the hospital seem like an eternity away now. But I can still see it, smell it, feel it. It was overwhelming, traumatic and horribly painful to endure. And that was just for me, a bystander. How it must have been for dad, for mum! For my friends. For my uncle... For all these millions of cancer patients, and other sufferers of chronical and terminal illnesses, and their families. 

What kept me sane? What kept me alive? The belief of love that will heal me. The belief  that one day I will find someone who will truly heal me and pick me up and fill that void inside. A void that is still void. 

And now, two and a half years on since mum's passing, almost seven years since dad's passing, I am still standing, seemingly going strong. But at times I wonder what holds it all together. Because in moments of solitude, at night and in moment of silence, I can hear the darkness and painful memories echo, I can feel the void vibrate. 

There are moments after my lectures when I stand in the empty classroom and wonder whether my parents are there sitting in the back, smiling at me on the sofa in the back...

There are moments at work when I am so stressed and my eyes so tired that I think of my parents and just doing that would give me a burst of perseverance... Are they proud of me? Would they be proud of me and what I have become and done since they left this world? I sure hope so...

Night in

My colleagues came to cheer me up on this Saturday night... I'm very grateful, for I have been feeling so lonely and fragile being alone at home. They came, had dinner with me, and we played a game and watched a movie. By the time the night ended, it was already past one in the morning.

I was sad to see them go, even going as far as asking them to stay over. There are two spare beds they could easily sleep in. When did I become so clingy? Or am I just afraid to be alone, afraid that I will break down and cry and cry again?

It felt wonderful to be surrounded by people and to be playing board games. It's been such a long time. And perhaps a reason why it felt good was because these colleagues do not know my ex (at least not that well), so there's none of that awkwardness or feelings that there are things unsaid. Honestly, I just feel like I cannot talk to anyone nowadays, and not least talk about my deepest feelings because (paranoid or otherwise...) I feel word could easily get around. It's a sad state of affairs when you have to be ever so watchful of what you say to your friends. Makes you wonder why they are friends in the first place when anything and everything you say can become the source of idle gossip and entertainment.


 I helped to clear the snow away from the car, and stood there on the street to watch them drive off. "Thank you so much for coming..." I said. I really was grateful, so glad that they came and spent the night with me. I needed it, I long for it. It makes me happy to bring some kind of joy and warmth into the lives of others. It touches me to hear that my little home (and cat...) gives them a feeling of warmth and belonging.

I told them that to be honest, the two bedroom flat feels a bit empty and big for just one person. Why did I get this place three years ago? I imagined mum would retire and maybe come live here a few months per year... I guess I imagined also of living with someone dear, and establishing a realm home together, because god knows I need that and long for that. Well, also partly because I wanted to give my cat more space to run in and big windows she can look out of...

Well, now it's just me now, in this apartment with all these personal belongings and household goods. It's very homely, very comfortable, and perhaps I do not appreciate it as much as I should. But is not warmth and homeliness better when shared?

Nap

I was exhausted and had to lie down on the office floor to take a nap. Last night was rough, as I lay in bed and struggled to fall asleep.

I saw myself in the dream, I felt emotions overwhelm me. I saw tears burst from my tears.
I woke up and felt the corners of my eyes. Though they were dry, I could have cried, really cried from the deep sense of longing and loneliness inside. What does it take to be loved? What does it feel like to be loved and cared about? To be wanted and desired? To have a special someone I could turn to at times of need?

Perhaps I once had it, perhaps I never really treasured it. But now I am truly lost without it.

Tears

I started to cry in the middle of the night after some misunderstanding with a friend which made me feel terribly guilty and terribly lonely. It was perhaps the second most intense crying session I experienced since I returned. There was just this loneliness, this terrible emptiness inside. I kept seeing images of mum and me holding her hand, seeing her lying at the hospital and being so weak and me sitting at her side trying to comfort her...

And I dreamed... of mum, of me howling in great pain. There was such a missing, such an intense longing for her I could not describe. The morning was again one of those I spent drifting in and out of sleep and consciousness, and after really getting up I felt completely drained and exhausted... The intensity of the dream was numbing, and now I feel like I'm in a daze, like I've been through terrible torture and just feel numb now...

Longing

There are moments when the depth and degree of emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming. The moments are especially felt when it is quiet at night, and when everyone has gone to sleep. Nothing, not even stuffed animals or memories of the past can fill that emptiness.

There are moments when you realise again just what you lost, and can never have back. And the realisation is so painful, so very very painful. Even more painful because nobody, nobody, can fully know or understand how painful it all is.

媽媽，我想妳...

Succumbing to feelings

I promised myself I wouldn't not give in... I held back, and I think he did too.
But who was I feeling? How can two people, who have had strong feelings, physical and emotional attachments to one another, restrain themselves lying next to one another?

It was powerful, beautiful, lustful, and deeply invigorating. But it was also scary and I found myself questioning: What does this all mean? These passionate kisses, these soothing touches and strokes, these whispers of "I miss you sooo much"? What do they mean? Is there but me in his world, or am I just a shadow, a ghost he cannot dispel? I asked myself as I let go of my senses and surrendered to my desires "He is with me now, but who was he with yesterday? Who will be with tomorrow?"

Those are the unspoken things, the unasked and unanswered questions.
At the time, as our bodies and lips melted into one another, the answers and questions did not matter.

But afterwards the hesitation, insecurity and doubts haunted my thoughts and quelled my initial enthusiasm to be drawn closer to my ex. Because it could all just be temporarily. And I could be hurt all over again, and again and again.

What have you to lose?

"When a relationship ends, when you come from being two people to being by yourself, this is something you cannot not accept [...] There is nothing more in life you can lose, so your heart can only hold onto hope. When you are wandering between getting together and getting revenge, this way you can be less sad, right?"

Erotic dream

It's been a while since I last had such an intense erotic dream.

I was in a school building ( perhaps it my was my high school?), and sitting around a classroom. Then he entered the room and leaned in close.

He said how much he missed me, and before I knew it, he began kissing me passionately. I was so lost in his embrace, lost in the sweetness of his touch and tongue, lost in the way his voice softly called my name and repeatedly said how long he has been waiting for this moment with me. He looked at me with his grey, mesmerising with such passion, lust and longing.

Who was "he"? Someone from my previous job back in Europe, someone I've not met for almost three years. We worked together, and he was a really supportive not only at work, but also when I was going through a very difficult time (I lost my dad half way through my job...). I always found him very attractive, and liked his sense of humour. Though he's not gay.

But in my dream he was, and he was so into me. How very comforting, and what a beautiful escape from the realities of life at the hospital....

Youth

"You are only young once. Don't let your youth go by..."

Someone told me that before. I never really thought about it until today when A character in a movie said it. And it somehow struck me, and made me wonder...

Will I one day wake up and feel so angry and bitter that I've let my youth go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much of my youth dreaming and longing, but let the days and years go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much time at my mother's side and not out enjoying myself and living my own life?

I hope I will not be bitter and angry, that I can look back and smile and have no regrets.

I hope one day someone I love can tell me "You have lived a full youth, you have done so much in your youth you should be proud of..."

How are you, dad?

"Dad, I miss you so much!"

"Dad, I love you!"

"How are you, dad?"

"I hope you are forever happy and healthy..."

I lay down towards the end of the movie and without realising it started to tear. Tear first, and then cry. Silently cry as mum slept on her bed a few steps away from me. I was lying down in a position that she could not see my face.

The movie "How are you, dad?" (爸，你好嗎?) really touched me. It is a movie composed of short, extremely touching stories about dads and their families. A dad who is distraught by his son who wants to undergo a sex-change operation... A dad who sits at home alone at night after the children visit him and celebrate his birthday... A dad who cries on his birthday next to his daughter, who due to an accident is now in a vegetative state... A dad who risks (and loses...) his own life to save his two children from drowning... Various shorts about the silent sacrifices, unexpressed feelings of love and devotion and longings, and loneliness of dads throughout the world, from all walks of life.

The end credits had recordings of  various members of the public declare their feelings toward their dads. Declarations of love and intimacy, in several languages, yet the messages are all the same. Tell someone you love  him/her, express your true feelings and do not be afraid of your feelings. Tell them before it is too late! Show them and love them when you still have the chance!

I cried watching the expressions of love of so many people. There are perhaps things I did not say to dad I never had to the chance. I never said :  "I love you!", because it feels strange and embarrassing. Even though I "keep in touch" still with my letters, he is now long gone, and whatever I say to him or write to him is replied only with silence. How I wish he is happy, how I wish he is free now and can enjoy the life and many pleasures of life he deprived himself of while he was still with us!

I turned to look at mum, and saw the tube coming out of her nostril. Her chest heaved, her mouth slightly open, her body twisted in a mangle again in that protective foetal position. She looked so fragile, so weak... How she is suffering deep inside! How I wish I could do much more to take away her discomforts and mental anguish! I cried even more seeing mum lie there...

I lost dad, and I am losing mum, slowly, slowly losing her... Those beautiful expressions of care and love to dads at the end of the movie could just as much be expressed to mums, to my mum. And one day, I may sit and dream and ask "Mum, how are you?" and receive a silence as a reply...

I became so afraid, and I cried even more silent tears. Why suddenly did my mind drift to my ex? Why did I imagine him by my side, why did I close my eyes and imagine him comforting me and holding me so tightly like he used to do before? Why is it that in my deepest moments of despair, I have the urge to write to him, to contact him...? I haven't contacted him for over two weeks now, the last time we spoke I unleashed my feelings and asked him how he could tell me he loves me and cares about me so and yet still be with another person. I told him how afraid I am, having to deal with my mum's situation and to suddenly receive hints that he wants to be with me and help me get through this... In my deepest moment of despair, in my moments of sorrow, I cannot help my thoughts drifting to him, even though I feel we have drifted apart...

The movie left me longing, for dad, and fearing the loss of my mum. The movie left me longing for my ex, left me wondering about how beautiful it would be if I could talk to him and not have to feel like I am the "other" person...

I wrote him a text message, rightly or wrongly, I wrote to him.

 "I miss you so much..."

Farmer's philosophy

(translation mine, Liberty Times)

"Because you want to know the answer, your heart is racing rapidly, hoping to immediately get a positive result.

 But, everything has its time, everything has its natural course. When the time has not come yet, you will not really understand.

This is like when you plant an apple tree today, you cannot expect to immediately bear apples tomorrow. An apple tree must undergo a process in order to bear sweet and juicy fruits. Time will mature an innocent relationship, time will also terminate a troublesome problem, but you must give time time.

Darling, just remember, anything that is worth having is worth waiting for. This is a farmer's philosophy, and is also the truth about time."

Dream

So many, too many... Just images here and there that jump out now...

I was visiting my old student housing in London with a friend (though in real life I never had a friend like him...). I was just curious and wanted to see where I used to live. The security guy asked me my name, and found a huge package left behind full of things for my friend. They seem to be from an admirable, dozens of packaged food, some kind of egg package with vegetable inside (dreams don't have to make sense...), and there were also very expensive branded bags still in their original packaging...

We walked around the area, all these familiar parks and places I used to wander around by my self in while I was in London... Beautiful memories came back, then suddenly, the scene changed, and my friend was gone. U continued by myself, walked further and further until I came to an old part of town, which seemed like a ghost town... Ancient buildings were abandoned, the mood was eerie, and weather suddenly turned so terrible...

Another dream... I was with a friend, the person I went on a date with many years ago and have somehow recently reconnected to some extent. At the time when we met, it was unclear where we were going, but even then there were mutual feelings of some kind. But within a few months I began a new life abroad and nothing ever developed...

In the dream I was somewhere in the countryside with him, and we were walking side by side. Just talking, laughing and enjoying one anothers company. There was an intense attraction, and at one point I hugged him around the waist totally unexpectedly. I know it was me who made the initial move, but I felt very embarrassed and guilty afterwards, especially as he leaned in close to try to kiss me. I pulled back and said I can't. "I have someone already..."
That someone, in the dream, was my ex. For I saw his face in my dream, and that made me feel so guilty.

In yet another dream, one perhaps which does not take too much interpretation, I was in hospital with mum. She looked so sickly from afar, in much worse shape than she is in now. I walked in closer, and saw she had become so much thinner, her eyes were sunk deep into their sockets, her face so dry and so rough, her skin so unclean, her clothes seemingly unchanged for a long time... In one of her nostrils, there was a feeding tube sticking out (one very much like the one she is about to have inserted...)
She opened her eyes as I approached. It then then I saw she could not move. She was in a vegetative state... My heart broke seeing her like this. She said something so frailly I could not really catch her words. But I knew what she meant somehow. I think I've always known. Slowly I pulled the long, long feeding tube out of her nose...




So many dreams, so disturbed my sleep!

Curl up...

There are so many days and moments I just want to curl up and hide...

And I imagine I can curl up in a little corner of the world and that there is someone intimate and loving at my side...

Wish

Now more than ever all I want to do is sleep, close my eyes and imagine there is someone holding me close, keeping me safe from harm and death. More than ever I want to close my eyes and have someone stroke my body and tell me there is life after all this...

Escape, I want so much to escape from this all, yet am filled with guilt for thinking this way because mum cannot get away... She can't even go to the little park next to our house without feeling like it's draining the life out of her.

I can sleep, sleep, sweet sleep so I don't have to think or see (though I'd still dream terrible dreams...).

Emptiness of feeling

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I walked around the store by myself after dinner. Dinners have become a solo affair since mum started not being able to eat around three weeks ago.

Normally, in the evening I'd drag mum out for a walk, but walking now has become a difficult and painful ordeal, even if it's to the department store or the sports park a few hundred metres away.

I originally went to the store looking for something to aid mum's sleep, but I was disappointed they didn't have what I was looking for. I walked around a bit, and came to the music store, where lonesome music of Sara Maclauclin sounded on the stereo.

I don't know why I suddenly felt so lonely, and why tears came to my eyes. I looked around me, a store with lots of people, with lots of parents walking around with their children. Not long ago, mum and I could and did come walk around here, but now I'm not sure when, if ever, mum will regain the strength to venture that far and wander aimlessly browsing the aisles of the department store she frequented so often.

Right there, in the middle of the store, my mind jumped to "that moment", as it has been doing a lot over the past few days. The moment of final goodbye...

I saw mum lie there calmly, peacefully, and I saw brother and his family all gathered around the bed. They were in tears, but brother was comforted by and comforting his wife, while my little nephew looked around with big curious eyes wondering what was happening. I saw myself stand there alone, all alone over mum's bed. I was holding her hand, comforting her, telling her something.

The next image was me alone at night, so afraid, so very fraught with sadness and grief, so drained, so empty of feelings... There was nobody to comfort me... I felt so sad by the image that was vividly playing in my mind... My thoughts drifted to one person, for I have often imagined that he would be by my side when the time comes. But that person was not there...

And right there, in the middle of the store, I shed a tear. I was so filled with dread, so full of fear that when the time comes, I'll have to cope on my own. I know i have it in my to deal with the final goodbye, a moment I have been "rehearsing" in my drifting thoughts and dreams, a moment I have experienced before with dad's passing. But I feel perhaps mum's final moment may have a whole new and more profound impact than anything else I've ever had to undergo. I fear I may be devastated and shattered beyond consolation.

But that is all conjuncture, all my imagination and fears getting the better of me. I'll have to cope, and I believe I can cope, even though deep down inside, I so crave and long to have someone at my side when I face perhaps the most difficult moment of my life.

A moment that may soon be approaching any day...

Dreaming of the ex

How disturbed I am...

Is my mind just seeking an escape from the nightmarishness of things at home by conjuring images of fantasies with my ex in them? Or am I deep down inside really missing him so much, but have just been suppressing my feelings for so long?

I dreamed I was asking mum (who looked relatively healthy... Anything is better the condition she is in now...) about whether I should move in with my ex (which I guess in the dream would no longer be my ex if we were planning to move in together.) She didn't say much, just something along the lines of "as long as it feels right".

Strangely, I have been having thoughts of living together with my ex for some time, even recently. When I read his email in which he declared clearly his feelings for me, I imagined proposals to get married, my mind produced images of having dinner together at home after we both come back from a long day at work... I imagined holidays in far away places, I imagined sleeping next to him every night for the rest of our lives and how wonderful that would be...

Back to the dream last night... Another scene was mum visiting us in Canada somewhere. And it did not feel awkward at all, but so very natural. My ex (or whatever he is in my dream) was very courteous and welcoming of my mother, and we got along just fine together (sadly, unlike when mum goes to Europe to stay with my brother and my sister-in-law...)

What is wrong with me...? Just sweet words and attempts to woo my heart again have this effect on me? how can I have any assurance any of these dreams can be realised? How can I ever know whether or not my ex is true to me and really wants to have a whole new start between us and get rid of all the ugliness and misunderstandings that have dogged our relationship/friendship for the past several months?

I have no assurances, I only have fantasies and imaginations. And though they are beautiful to indulge in, though they make me temporarily escape the heaviness of life (and possible death) here, they cause me only more confusion, they are a disturbance that distracts me from my priorities in life at the moment...

Dreaming of dad

Mum spoke, so weakly for this is the way she speaks nowadays. "I dreamed of dad yesterday. We were so loving together, like old times. I said to him that I am unable to cook well now, but I asked him what he would like to eat..."

I listened with a quiet smile. I cried quietly even more. Mum misses dad deeply still, and perhaps in this very difficult stage, perhaps fearing that it is her final stage, she probably misses him even more, and is wondering why he is not around any more.

I miss him so...

It's been a long, long time since I last saw him or spoke to him. And truth be told, I do miss him very much, more than I like to admit...

Almost daily, I look at his picture and smile. His face, his eyes, his body reminds me so much of our moments together, of the way I held him, touched him and stroked him...

I must admit, for a long time, I didn't really think much of him, even when people kept on telling me how special he is. But it took me time to realise how much joy and warmth he brings to my life, to realise how, despite own brief-lasting moments of intimacy together, he has grown in in importance in my life. I look at his picture, and all I have to do is close my eyes and remember the happy moments we spent together, and my heart races with joy and excitement.

I yearn to see his smile, yearn to smell his scent, to feel the warmth of his body as he lies next to me... I would like to see him everyday, to talk to him, but I can't. I don't know how. Who am I to him really, who am I to him in this great big world? But he showed me a whole meaning of what love means. He brought me so much joy, such much innocent joy that I seemed to have forgotten.

When can I see him again? When can I hold him close and breathe in deep and let his scent fill my nostril and senses? I look forward to the day when I can kiss his cheeks, and dig my head snugly into his belly as he plays with my face, plays with on the strands of my hair. I look forward to the day when he can lie next to me, look me so intensely in the eyes and when we can fall asleep together.

 I miss you so...



I truly do miss you, Little Rabbit!

Forever love

Some time ago, soon after I returned here, my cousin gave me a nice card. A love card, with a beautiful message, a message that describes my feelings for someone should I fall for someone. Only once has that ever really happened.

 "Why?" I asked my cousin when she gave me the card, especially as I have no one to give this card to.

"Keep it for that one day when you do have someone!" she said. So I put the card away, wondering when I will be able to use it.

It's Valentine's Day. The shops have been filling with heart-shaped products which makes me tend to look away whenever I see them. I even got a free ticket to go see a movie about love (titled: 愛Love，literally, "Love Love"). Not sure if I'll even go see it. Just another day, filled with hospital appointments and the difficulty of seeing mum so weak and tired... How different it feels  like compared to a year ago, when I had my first "real" Valentine's Day.

But one day that beautiful day will come when I can give the card to the one I love, truly, madly, and deeply. 

Sand in the wind

Heard a beautiful old song the other day called＂哭砂＂(Crying sand)

Sand blown in with the wind
Falls on the sadness of the eyes,
Everyone can see I am waiting for you.

Sand blown in with the wind
Accumulates inside the heart,
A trace no one can wipe away. 

Sand blown in with the wind
Passes through all memories,
Everyone knows I am thinking of you.

Sand blown in with the wind
Cries in the darkness,
Could it be that separation was already predicted?

And I could not get the song and the lyrics out of  my mind...
Nostalgia.
Memories.
Hardship.
Longings.
Tears.
Family.
Lover.

All these things I hold dear, dear to my little heart, all the things I love and care about most of all in life, are described so beautifully in the song...