At least I had you...

I listened to this song many times over the past few years. It is titled "At least I have you", and it is about a lover who cares and loved another so deeply that the person is willing to give up the whole world for the other .

The song has always been able to move me, and at times move me to tears. I heard the song when mum was struggling in hospital, writhing in agony and pain...
I sang along to the song when mum was recovering from chemo...
The song and lyrics echoed in my ears when I was holding mum's hand and encouraging her time and again to live her life as if every day were the last day...

For so long, I was there, as a son, as a child, hoping and praying by her side and from afar that she would get better, that she would be free from pain and suffering...

I heard this song tonight again.
And tears began to fall...

For those brief periods I was with mum,  despite all that was happening, I told myself: at least I have her in my life.

Now, despite all that has happened, despite having lost her, I tell myself:

at least I had her in my life...




"I am scared there is not enough time,
I want to hold you,
Until I can feel your hairline has the the trace of snow white,
Until [your] vision becomes blurred,
Until [you] cannot breathe,
Let our our body and shadows never part...

It has not been easy,
We have no command over our bodies,
I am afraid time goes by too quickly,
Not enough to watch you in detail,
I am afraid time goes too slow,
Day and night afraid to loose you...
I would rather grow old within a night,
And never part..."

Dedication

I know tomorrow will be better.

I know, I know that there will be a tomorrow when this sorrow, this pain, this loneliness will have subsided.

Until then, I must be strong, brave and stand on my own.
Cry if I must, grit my teeth if I must, ache if I must.
One day, these dark moments of mourning will turn into a brighter, better tomorrow.

One day, I can wipe away these tears and soothe this pain and feel love and find myself again.

What can I give you?
I continue to ask
I continue to look for it
Can't stop thinking...

Pigeons dedicate themselves to the blue sky.
Star lights dedicate themselves to the long night.
What can I give you, my little child?

Rainy seasons dedicate themselves to the ground.
Days and months dedicate themselves to the seasons.
What can I give you, my mom and dad?

The apple of my eye

I've been longing to watch this movie for a while, ever since it came out last year. It received great reviews and broke box office records for a locally produced movie. But I was afraid to watch it because of fears it may trigger a flood of emotions and tears caused by my breakup with my ex.

Today was the tv premier and I watched it together with mum in the comfort of her new private suite. Even mum has been wanting to watch the movie, for it is based on a novel which beautifully captures the romance of high school puppy love back in the day. There is a reason that the movie (and novel) captivated the nation's audience, for it is a trip down memory lane to those pubescent days when love and intimacy felt all so taboo yet exciting.

In mandarin, the title is "The girl we were all after in those years...", about a bunch of adolescents who all have a crush and all want to go after the same girl. The main characters are in a love-hate relationship, and the girl plays hard to get even though she too likes the boy a lot. As she explained to him one day, many years after their high school years, the initial romance and chase is the most exciting... she never really reciprocated earlier because she was afraid that the romance would die soon after the chase is over...

Those words spoke to me, for for a long time I played hard to get with my ex, even though deep down I care about him, perhaps even love him without realising it. Had I been clearer, had I not been playing games and playing hard to get, perhaps there would not be so much heartbreak, perhaps we would not become so estranged, and perhaps as I am dealing with my mum's slow decline, I would have a comfortable friend and lover I could feel free to turn to at any time.

But what never was will never be, as I once wrote to my ex. What is the point of talking and regretting over what ifs or ponder what would have happened?
In the movie, fate twists and turns and only time can tell whether two people are meant to be together, whether two people and their love for one another ia true and lasting. Is that not the way it is with my ex and me? If he truly has found his love, what else can I do but let him go, as I have done already, and wish him the best, however much that may hurt? What else can I do but just withdraw from his life and let the new person take care of my ex's needs?

As the credits came on, my eyes were a little moist and my heart was singing in the beauty and warmth of the romance portrayed by the story. Love that could not be, love that so strong an mutual and lasting... Is that not the most beautiful kind of love?

Naturally mind drifted to my ex.... I truly genuinely wish he is happy with the person he is now, and I have by making distance and deliberately not contacting him, maintained my distance so he can resolve me and move on. That seems to be his wish, and he has his wish. Whether or not that wish coincides with me does not matter. If you truly care about someone, you let him go, you let him be free to go after his heart's true desires. True love is when you can smile and be happy that the one you love has found someone and is well taken care of.

But truth be told... And I will write this here even though I know one day he will read this and know exactly how I feel. I am not afraid to express how I feel, for who should be ashamed of their live for someone? Who can ever be afraid to say out loud how much you care about someone and love someone still, despite a lot of ugliness and hurt (both ways) between us in the recent year and recent months?

Yes, as a dreamer and a romantic, I imagine in my head that one day when we meet again, the passion, the fire that was so prematurely dimmed will be relit. How beautiful that would be if it is ever to become reality! How happy I would be, as I believe he would be too, if what he tells me about how deeply he loves me is true and from his heart.

I dream that he will again do something to move me, to touch me, do something so special for me that I will again be in his life, and he in mine...

Only time will tell whether. Only time will bring us together or make us drift apart, for it is meant to be what it is supposed to be.

Disturbance

Finally managed to fall asleep, and the phone rang, very close to midnight. I thought it was something very important, the hospital calling or something. Anxiously I scrambled to pick up the phone quickly, though I was very tired.  It was only my ex. Calling to ask how I'm doing. At that hour I didn't want to say much. I don't  want to say much to him nowadays. I know he cares a lot, and he probably stalks this blog everyday for whatever news he can get. He knows exactly how I'm doing, so I'm not sure why he still wants to call and talk.   I just don't want to talk to him about any of the intimate details of my life or mum's illness  any more, because he'll just break down and cry like so many times before. I don't need tears at this moment, and he doesn't need it either. He made that so clear to me.  I just don't want to talk to him and spoil the "happiness" he's managed to find.  I clearly remember what he said to me over and over again, and again just before my departure. It'll take time for me to get over that and to be able to speak to him normally again. Till then I really have nothing to say. I asked him how's doing. He said he was doing well, he was at work. "Good," I said.  "Take care," I said before I hung up the phone. My sleep disturbed...

張震嶽-愛我別走
 [If you] Love me don't go


 (translation mine)

When I come to this moment it is the same,
The loneliness at night causes one to be sad,
I do not dare to think too much, because I am by myself.


The light of the moon facing me pulls the shadow of my body longer,
Aimlessly walking on the cold, cold street,
I have no news of you, because I am thinking of you.

[If you] love me don't go,
If you say "You don't love me"
[I] don't want to hear you really say it out loud,
Give a little more warmth and tenderness.

Fading...

 Mum used to like to joke that she was "fading like a flame" whenever she was tired or drained of energy. She said it before  whenever she did not have anything to eat for a long time... She said it before when she was undergoing chemo, when the chemicals made her so drowsy and weakened that she would just lie there for a day or two...

Now she cannot eat, for whatever she eats her body rejects. Now she lies there, has been lying down almost every day for weeks now. I watch her move her frail arms and hands to do the simplest task, and see them tremble... I watch her walk the shortest distance, and see her walk ever so slowly and wobble... I watch her struggle with pain and discomfort, I watch her suffer, and painfully remember her words "fading like a flame"...

How can you keep a flame burning? With love, with passion, with joy and strokes of her frail, frail bones and body, but only for so long.

 How can you rejuvenate the flame to become the fire that once burned so strongly and radiated such motherly strength and warmth? One day, one day, the fire must fade to a flame. And there will be one day when the flame will finally burn out, like a candle in the wind...

"Thank you for everything..." she said to me just now, as she lay down to rest.





Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed

Today's the day

 I lay next to mum on her bed. I could feel the warmth of her body, hear her breathe softly. The meditation music I put on in the background sent her off to sleep. I closed my eyes and meditated for a few moments...

"Peace, happiness, freedom from suffering... Peace, happiness, freedom from suffering..."

A last hour of my twenty-seventh year, and I was lucky to spend it lying next to mum. To think, so many, many years ago, I was still inside of her, I was still so very small, so innocent, so ignorant of the ways of the world. To think, so many, many years ago, mum was younger, stronger, and healthier. A simple cough would not make her vomit. She could go to work during the day, come home to cook, and take care of a husband and two children. She could go anywhere, do anything she wanted to at will. Now things are all different... I have grown up, I am for the most bit away from her, and she has grown old, grown ill, and slowly, slowly is losing control of the movement of her hands. Much of mum's waking moments are coping with pain, bearing the sores of her aged and ill body...

I opened my eyes and looked at mum's face.. how wrinkled it is, how much sweat and tears that face has shed over the years, and never for a moment did she complain anything was too hard, too unbearable. Instinctively, I reached over and stroked mum's hand... how wrinkled it felt, how much those fingers have worked and toiled over these two, three decades from the day I was born, to provide for me, to care for me, to love me in so many different, different ways...

"I have burdened you..." Perhaps my touch had woken her up. The meditation music reached a crescendo.

I closed my eyes and turned away. "Don't say that!" Mum perhaps does not realise how painful it is to hear that... Even if at times, I feel it, even at times I feel like my life has not been going anywhere because of the circumstances she is facing, it still is very painful to hear mum say that. I know being by her  side for so long has greatly tested my patience, and there are moments I have been impatient, I have been rude to her, I have been frustrated and angry at her, I have perhaps made her disappointed and feel pressured to "get better" when she is not getting better... Even so, I am just trying, trying to cope, trying to do the best I can and with what I know. Even if mum were a "burden", what  am I supposed to do? Just leave her on her own when she cannot even properly use utensils, let alone cook for herself? Just leave her when she has so little will to go outdoors, and everyday looks so sad and depressed? "You are my mother! How can you say that?" I closed my eyes even tighter.

I can only do what I can do. And nowadays it feels like I am able to do so helplessly little, which pains me, which frustrates me greatly. For growing up, mum could always make me feel safe... growing up, mum could always heal my wounds, and make me feel better again. And yet now, I am unable to do the same for her. I cannot make her feel better. I cannot make her better, whatever I do.

"I'm worried..." mum said faintly, and coughed. Her closed eyes squinted, a sign she was in pain.

"Worried about what?" I played with the heat packs I had just removed from boiling water. The packs are supposed to ease the soreness around mum's shoulders and neck, and are supposed to help her  sleep easier.

"About you. Brother is already married, but you..." she strained to speak. The four sessions of CyberKnife treatment, though swift and seemingly painless, have as expected damaged her throat even further. Her throat has become swollen, and when she coughs, there is yellow phlegm.

I closed my eyes, as if in closing them, the lingering sadness can be shut aside. If not, at least the tears that threatened to seep out could be shut inside.  Mothers worry about their children, that cannot be changed, and especially Asian mothers worry about their children's marriage. Even in her state of discomfort and pain, or perhaps exactly because of that, mum's mind is still preoccupied with me and my life.

"I cannot control love or who loves me..." I said, "However much I wish to have someone in my life, I have no influence over that..." I was again reminded of  the conversation mum and I shared on my 'real' birthday, the one my parents remember mainly, two weeks ago. Mum asked about my ex, but I did not want to go into details. All I said was that I have not spoken to him much for two months, and that I hope he is happy.

"Why don't you think of yourself? I am still young, I have a life ahead of me. But what about you? Why spend you time worrying about me, worrying things I have no say or influence over, when you could spend time thinking about what you want to do with your life?" I held mum's hand. I have said this to her so many times, and I know deep down she too wants to plan her life after retirement, I know deep down she too wants to enjoy her life as best as she can. But the physical is a huge obstacle standing in the way, and nobody can really understand how much she hurts, how much she is so weakened and so burdened by her deteriorating health and having to hear again and again that the cancer is spreading... As she said to me once or twice, "You're not the one with cancer..."

We were silent for a few moments. Mum closed her eyes. The music continued playing. I looked at her, at her aged faced, at her wild, uncombed grey hair. I looked at her nose, her lips, her chin, her cheeks ever so closely... Have you ever really looked at someone you love and care about from so close? Have you ever looked at your own dear mother from so close?

I see my dear, brave mother, see her age, I see her slowly grow weaker and more ill by the day. How far we have come together all these years... how much longer and further can we journey together in this life?

Can I again take her traveling and can I again show her the world and its many beauties? Can I fulfill her dream of finding a partner with whom I can settle down for life, so that she may leave this world at ease? I stroked her hand, softer and gentler this time, for fear of waking her again, like I did before.

Just as I thought she was already asleep, "Thank you for everything..."




What’s the trouble on your mind? 你在煩惱什麼
(translation mine)
There is no flower that will not wilt,
There is no tide that will not retreat,
There is no light that will not darken,
What’s the trouble on your mind?

There is no scar that will not fade,
There is no wound that will not heal,
There is no despair that will not stop,
What are you being melancholic about?

Time will never reply,
Life will never make a turmoil,
Even if there is only one moment,
I am not afraid,
It is that one moment that makes up forever…

Healing meditation

Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung

Love 愛情

 

 Love 愛情

莫文蔚-Karen Mok(translation mine)

If not because I love you,
How come in the depth of the night there is no will to sleep?
Every thought is about you,
I miss you, miss you, miss you so.

If not because I love you,
Why would there be unsettled emotions?
In every meaningless day,
I miss you, miss you, miss you so.

Love is something that tortures people,
But [am] unwilling to give up like this.
Endlessly [I] imagine in your heart
There is my name.

If not because I love you,
Why else would it be so effortless to sigh?
There is a feeling of incompleteness
Love you, love you, love you still.

Love is my one and only secret,
[It] lets you become brokenhearted and yet mesmerized.

What’s the trouble on your mind? 你在煩惱什麼

Sodagreen 蘇打綠
(translation mine)

There is no flower that will not wilt,
There is no tide that will not ebb,
There is no light that will not darken,
What’s the trouble on your mind?

There is no scar that will not fade,
There is no wound that will not heal,
There is no despair that will not stop,
What are you being melancholic about?

Time will never reply,
Life will never make a turmoil,
Even if there is only one moment, I am not afraid,
It is that one moment that makes up forever…

Love is great

(translation mine)
Love is great

愛很大 

 

Those who have collapsed and broken down, are reborn.
Those who have been hurt, are healed.
Those who do not wish to leave, have returned.
Those who are afraid of loneliness, have become happy.
Look at the night sky of love, there is a river of comets.
Listen to the heart of love miraculously sing a song.
Each one of us is blessed,
Because our love is great.

Love is great, there is you, there is you, there is him.
Love is great, let us all sing out loudly.
Love is great, radiating the warmth of the rays of the sun.
Love is great, after the dark night there will be a bright day.

Love is great, do not differentiate you, me, him.
Love is great, we are not afraid of anything.
Love is great, spread the wings of hopes.
Love is great, there is nowhere that cannot be reached.

Those who are cold and frozen, have melted.
Those who have cried and shed tears, have smiled.
Those who have been torn to shreds, have become whole.
Those who have withered and shed, have blossomed.
Look at the sky of love,there is a dove of peace.
Listen to the symphony of happiness in the heart of love.
Each one of us is blessed,
Because our love is great.

Love is great, there is you, there is you, there is him.
Love is great, let us all sing out loudly.
Love is great, radiating the warmth of the rays of the sun.
Love is great, after the dark night there will be a bright day.

Love is great, do not differentiate you, me, him.
Love is great, we are not afraid of anything.
Love is great, spread the wings of hopes.
Love is great, there is nowhere that cannot be reached.
Love is great, Love is great, Love is great, Love is great, Love is great…

Being love's fool

A beautiful song (below) I heard that is the theme of the new hit movie 愛LOVE.

傻子 Fool

(translation mine)

Many peopleare waiting for love, [I] could not predict you can care about me.
Could the time of a lifetime is all used to exchange a misunderstanding withyou?

Who canreally give whom happiness till the very end of the story?
Why be so anxious?
Sometimes being wide awake is the beginning of a mistake.

I don’tneed [it], and it’s not important either.
How great it is to be a fool!
I don’t understand, and don’t need to understand either,
Let me be like this till old age!

Who canreally give whom happiness till the very end of the story?
Why be so anxious?
Sometimes being wide awake is the beginning of a mistake.

I don’tneed [it], and it’s not important either.
How great it is to be a fool!
I don’t understand, and don’t need to understand either,
Let me be like this is already good enough!

Nothing really matters,
Only need to give you a soft, soft hug.
Even if nothing is left behind, it does not matter.
Even if something is left behind, that will be so precious, precious, precious!

How great it is to be a fool!
I don’t understand, and don’t need to understand either,
Let me be like this till old age!

Be likethis till old age…

Catch phrases from the movie:


『你擁有的，都不是你想要的。』
"Everything you own is nothing that you want."

就算睡在身邊，一夜之間也可能變成陌生人...
(Even sleeping next to somebody, within one night you could become a stranger...)

『就因為我沒那麼偉大，我就不配愛人，就不值得人愛嗎？』
"Just because I'm not so great, [does that mean] I am not suited to love, not worth someone to love?"

『我真的很害怕失去你，也很害怕失去我的夢想…』
"I'm really afraid of losing you, also afraid of losing my dream..."

『聽說每一個混蛋的身體裡面，都住著一個受傷的心。』
"[I] hear in the body of every arsehole there lives a hurt heart."

Happy birthday to me

It's my birthday today, at least the one that matters most to my parents. I only have one wish... May all beings be happy and free from pain... Especially my dear, brave mum.




Singer: Wen Lan
Tune: Jay Chou

(translation mine)

I know sadness cannot change anything,
Then let me a little more honest.
Honest, inevitably there are venting that cannot be controlled,
All that can be done is close the door and ignore everyone.

Sitting alone in an empty [KTV] room,
Let the mobile phone rest for a night.
Difficult, [I] want to cut off the song, cut away the images of memories,
Tears cannot flow past midnight.

Happy birthday, I say to myself.
The candle has been lit, loneliness has shone.
Happy birthday, tears have melted too.
I want to thank you for everything you have given, you have taken away.

[I] still love you, with a bit of hate,
[I] still need time in order to balance [it all].
Passionate love, a scarring wound, [must] extinguish everything in order to be reborn.
Happy birthday to me.

Sand in the wind

Heard a beautiful old song the other day called＂哭砂＂(Crying sand)

Sand blown in with the wind
Falls on the sadness of the eyes,
Everyone can see I am waiting for you.

Sand blown in with the wind
Accumulates inside the heart,
A trace no one can wipe away. 

Sand blown in with the wind
Passes through all memories,
Everyone knows I am thinking of you.

Sand blown in with the wind
Cries in the darkness,
Could it be that separation was already predicted?

And I could not get the song and the lyrics out of  my mind...
Nostalgia.
Memories.
Hardship.
Longings.
Tears.
Family.
Lover.

All these things I hold dear, dear to my little heart, all the things I love and care about most of all in life, are described so beautifully in the song...

Just take my hand

Kijk maar naar de huizen om je heen
ze zouden nooit gebouwd zijn zonder steen.
En zitten er geen vleugels aan 'n vogel
vliegt het toch nooit ergens heen.
Ook al krijg je nog zo vele kansen
er gaat er altijd eentje mis.
En door dat je mijn gezang kunt horen
weet je ook wat stilte is.
Want het een kan niet zonder het ander.

Pak maar mijn hand
Stel niet te veel vragen
Je kunt niet als enige de wereld dragen
Pak nou maar mijn hand
Laat mij de weg wijzen
Het is geen probleem
Als je keer op keer jezelf wilt bewijzen
Maar je kunt het niet alleen

Als je weer 'n wedstrijd hebt verloren
en je voelt je niet zo fijn
Weet dan dat je extra goed moet zaaien
wil de oogst wat beter zijn
Maar je vind de hulp zo overbodig
want je weet het zelf zo goed
Toch heb je je naasten mensen nodig
die vertellen hoe het moet
Want het een kan niet zonder het ander.

Dus pak maar m'n hand
Stel niet te veel vragen
Je kunt niet als enige de wereld dragen
Pak nou maar m'n hand
Laat mij de weg wijzen
Het is geen probleem
Als je keer op keer jezelf wilt bewijzen
Maar je kunt het niet alleen

Ik reik je m'n hand
beschrijf eens je kans
Want ik bied graag m'n hulp aan jou (aan jou)
Ik hoop dat jij mijn handen vertrouwt

Pak maar mijn hand
Stel niet te veel vragen
Je kunt niet als enige de wereld dragen
Pak nou maar mijn hand
Laat mij de weg wijzen
Het is geen probleem
Als je keer op keer jezelf wilt bewijzen
Maar je kunt het niet alleen

(English Translation mine)

Look at all those houses around you

They would have never been built without stone

And if there were no wings on a bird

It would never fly anywhere

Even if you get so many chances

One will always go wrong

And because you can hear my song

You also know what silence is

Because one cannot be without the other.

Just take my hand,

Don’t ask too many questions,

You cannot carry the world on your own.

Just take my hand now,

Let me show the way.

There is no problem

If you want to prove yourself again and again,

But you cannot do it alone.

If you have lost the struggle again

And you don’t feel so well

Know ten that you must sow extra well

For the harvest to be better

But you think help is so redundant 

Because you know it so well

Even so, you need people close to you

Those to tell how it should be done

Because one cannot be without the other

Refrain

I stretch out my hand so seize this chance

Because I gladly offer my help to you, to you
I hope that you trust my hands.

Refrain