Intertwined dreams

Another dream, again the ex and my mother intertwined into it. 

So much shouting, so much anger and hurt. Words and accusations were hurled at me. I could do nothing right, I was to blame for everything when all I've ver wanted, all I've ever done is tried to do my best, tried to give my all... In the dream, I was called "selfish", "spiteful" and nuts. I saw myself breaking down. I saw myself running away with tears streaking down my face. And I jumped off of something am fell and long way.

I kept waking up in the middle of the night. 1am, 3am, 6am... Everytime I woke up, disturbed, i wonderwhy I dream these things and why I still long for the presence and conpany people who were once the centres of my world... Why does my mind torment me by still making them a part of my world when they are no longer around, when they have moved on in their own ways? I must let them go. They have let go, in one way or another... I must let go. Let go, because no one, nothing, can take away my torments but me. 

Next to my lyeth emptiness. There is no consolation, no person to hold. Tired and  and sleep deprived... Shaken and so beaten. The winds blows in gusts outside. Rain is falling, falling. 

Like one of the last words mum said to me before she left: "you're on your own now..."

I am on my own now. Struggling to keep sane, struggling to keep memories and images of the past at bay in my waking and sleeping moments. 

Great pretender

Yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Middle Autumn

"I raise my head to admire the bright moon,

I lower my head and long for  home..."

The moon is so bright, so clear, so round. Not at it's roundest yet, for that is tomorrow night. 

I too feel this longing for home, for loved ones who are no longer around. As I tried to describe it to someone, but failed to make the person understand, I am lost for words these days. Lost for words as what to say, lost for words as to how to describe  how I am feeling, loss for words as to how to describe the feeling of abandonment and isolation i feel vis-a-vis the rest of the world. And this day, more than others, rationally or otherwise, logically or otherwise, feels more heavy than any other... 

I have grown so remarkably silent that even my colleague has been asking what is wrong with me. I cannot describe it. I cannot express it. I cannot put into words the hollowness, the bursts of emotions, the unstoppable and sudden attack od tears or anxiety. I cannot. I cannot. And yet this world is so focused on expressing, on words, on noise, on talking, on talking about others... I do not fit in, simply so not, so I shut down. I withdraw. I give up.

Nobody, nobody can touch me, nobody can be trusted, nobody can ever enter my world and my thoughts. I have silenced up, have become mute and dumb. I do not wish to share, for truly there is nothing to share, for my emotions are just weighed down by tiredness and heaviness...

Imagine the dread I have of having to go to a dinner get together soon with people I have grown so distant from for various reasons, one being I simply do not feel any affinity towards them whatsoever. When in the most difficult part of my life people I thought were friends keep away and do not seem to care to ask how I am really doing, you naturally just lose touch. 

I do not blame anyone, and perhaps I have myself to blame for the utter sense of despair and isolation I feel now... But really, I dread to see people, dread to interact with people in a big crowd. But nobody seems to understand that and seem to want to force me to do things I simply do not want. Nobody understands what it is like to go through the holidays while you are in a very low mood and while you're still trying to shake away the pain of loss and grief. Nobody seems able to respect that I need boundaries and find it so tiring and so fake to pretend and bring myself to smile and enjoy things. 

The above is a part of a classic poem by a famed Chinese poet, which describes his longing and sadness being away from home. Seeing the full moon he is reminded of home. And there is no bright moon than the moon on Mid Autumn's Day... There are perhaps few other day when I at most feel so much longing to see and to touch my parents again... There is perhaps no other moment when, watching the (almost) full moon, I so dream of a lover's embrace and being able to close my eyes and rest my tired, tired soul comfortably on the shoulders of someone true and genuine. 

Attacks

It's happening again, isn't it? The dread and darkness of shorter days, the cold and chill that comes with the gradual changing of the seasons. It's coming, isn't it? Depression, it's coming again, isn't it? 

How, I don't know. I only know that since my return from Vancouver after spending a month there, I've not felt the same. I'm tired, constantly tired, and I'm so terribly lonely, at work and at home, wherever I go really. Everything is so mundane, so pointless. Eating, sleeping, waking up, socialising. Everything so meaningless I'd rather be dead. And all the while, in my loneliness, in my isolation and in the silence of my head, I see mum, I see dad. They're dead.

Dead already. Dead!

Yet my mind keeps them alive.

My dreams keep them alive.

Even though I do not conscious think of them, even though I try to banish all thoughts of the past, they come back.

They're dead, but they come back and bring me tears and further isolation from a world so obsessed with joy and happiness.  

And that's a scary thought. 

The thought that loneliness can kill you. 

The thought that longing and missing someone, and having your heart broken can break you to the point where you lose sight of all purpose, all meaning, all will to live and to strive and to dream.

That's  a scary thought.

I just want to hide. To shy away and disappear. Just want to hurdle together and hide so that I don't have to face a world of judgment, of expectations, a world where being honest and being myself is being a fool (and where dishonesty, bigotry and gossiping behind other people's back is a source of entertainment and joy...)

There are scary thoughts I'm entertaining. I cannot bear to stay here much longer. 

Honesty

When you're too honest, people take you to be a fool. They laugh at you, as if honesty is not the right way.

Well, I'm a fool then.

"Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to, about stuff, about mum..."

Meeting mum again

In yet another dream, I saw mum last night... This time with my ex.

He and I were (back) together and walking around in some kind of large and spacious building. Not sure where, but the place looked so familiar. It was so intense, and we seemed to be so intimate again. I was so happy in the dream, so carefree, laughing and joking around like I used to be able to...

Then suddenly there was a queue forming, and it was time. Was it a musical, a concert? I don't know. It was definitely some kind of show, and I had to get tickets. I waited

around, and somehow it was for mum. 

She appeared and was dressed very beautifully. I cried seeing her again... Cried because its been so long, far too long. Cried because I missed her...

(Well, isn't it good to direct attention towards something else other than my insignificant little life and my worries and fears?)

Late at night, an "auntie" called me up and she was upset. She went on for close to ten minutes about this issue that's been on her chest until the end her voice became muffled. I wasnt sure at first whether the line or her voice was breaking, but I highly suspected it was the latter... She quickly said she only needed to vent and apologised for bothering me.

For a while, I was unsure what to do. She was the mother of a friend, and in her absence, I promised my friend I would check up on her mum and help her mum in whatever way I can. And now the mother called me, obviously upset and perhaps crying, but the reason was because of my friend.

I waited a bit and called back. The auntie apologised again for troubling me at close to eleven at night (I didn't think too much of it...). And she went on to explain. Her daughter's no longer by her side, and they've become very estranged over the years. She treats me like family, and so felt so comfortable calling and ranting. "I know you can understand..." she said.

 I cannot judge or say anything, for every relationship is different.
But it does sadden me to hear instances of children feuding with their parents (or vice versa) and instances when people fight and do not speak because of some misunderstanding. Of course, it's all very human, and parent's are never infallible. But, to me, in my little world tainted by loss and the absence of parents I can call, let alone quibble or fight with/again, I think it is unfortunate that when they are old some children grow so distant from home...

I felt for the auntie. She's all alone here by herself, and her language abilities (or lack thereof) make her very isolated and hinders her from really integrating fully into life and society here. For so long, she relied on her daughter (my friend), but now she's more or less on her own. It's hard to reconcile that, and from her words, I think it's dawning on her that perhaps in the future, perhaps for as long as she lives, she will have to cope on her own, for her daughter can no longer always be around...

It's a mother's, a parent's worry from growing old, especially when the children have moved away. I remember mum expressing those fears, fears which were compounded by the fact that in her later years she became increasingly ill and increasingly lonely and isolated. I called her, everyday, twice a day even, did what I could to make her feel "good", to make her feel like I've not abandoned her or forsaken her, or forgotten how she gave birth to me and raised me...  Now she is gone, I have no regrets.

 But I can understand ( I think...), I can appreciate the upset and emotions of this auntie. She feels upset, not because of this simple incident, but because of the reaction she got from her child-- a child she has sacrificed a lot and toiled in life for in order to provide a stable home and better future. After so many years, now that she is a bit older and close to retirement, she feels more and more the loneliness and harsh reality of being alone. And the incident was just a reminder, not only that she has to be more self reliant, but also that when children grow up, they will leave, and often they do not come back.