Plan

Where do I get these crazy ideas?

Perhaps it's my way of escaping, of getting far, far away from reality by clinging onto some fantasy in my head that is comforting and familiar. And the idea involves my ex, who I tend to think about, especially in my darkest moments of despair, in my most testing moments of loneliness and desperation, without even intending...

Will it work out?
Is it too insane?
I have to get the 'balls' rolling and see how he will respond. Because how he responds will be a true test of whether he means what he says to me. Whether he will agree to meet me at a certain time or place will be real proof of how far he is willing to go to meet me...

The apple of my eye

I've been longing to watch this movie for a while, ever since it came out last year. It received great reviews and broke box office records for a locally produced movie. But I was afraid to watch it because of fears it may trigger a flood of emotions and tears caused by my breakup with my ex.

Today was the tv premier and I watched it together with mum in the comfort of her new private suite. Even mum has been wanting to watch the movie, for it is based on a novel which beautifully captures the romance of high school puppy love back in the day. There is a reason that the movie (and novel) captivated the nation's audience, for it is a trip down memory lane to those pubescent days when love and intimacy felt all so taboo yet exciting.

In mandarin, the title is "The girl we were all after in those years...", about a bunch of adolescents who all have a crush and all want to go after the same girl. The main characters are in a love-hate relationship, and the girl plays hard to get even though she too likes the boy a lot. As she explained to him one day, many years after their high school years, the initial romance and chase is the most exciting... she never really reciprocated earlier because she was afraid that the romance would die soon after the chase is over...

Those words spoke to me, for for a long time I played hard to get with my ex, even though deep down I care about him, perhaps even love him without realising it. Had I been clearer, had I not been playing games and playing hard to get, perhaps there would not be so much heartbreak, perhaps we would not become so estranged, and perhaps as I am dealing with my mum's slow decline, I would have a comfortable friend and lover I could feel free to turn to at any time.

But what never was will never be, as I once wrote to my ex. What is the point of talking and regretting over what ifs or ponder what would have happened?
In the movie, fate twists and turns and only time can tell whether two people are meant to be together, whether two people and their love for one another ia true and lasting. Is that not the way it is with my ex and me? If he truly has found his love, what else can I do but let him go, as I have done already, and wish him the best, however much that may hurt? What else can I do but just withdraw from his life and let the new person take care of my ex's needs?

As the credits came on, my eyes were a little moist and my heart was singing in the beauty and warmth of the romance portrayed by the story. Love that could not be, love that so strong an mutual and lasting... Is that not the most beautiful kind of love?

Naturally mind drifted to my ex.... I truly genuinely wish he is happy with the person he is now, and I have by making distance and deliberately not contacting him, maintained my distance so he can resolve me and move on. That seems to be his wish, and he has his wish. Whether or not that wish coincides with me does not matter. If you truly care about someone, you let him go, you let him be free to go after his heart's true desires. True love is when you can smile and be happy that the one you love has found someone and is well taken care of.

But truth be told... And I will write this here even though I know one day he will read this and know exactly how I feel. I am not afraid to express how I feel, for who should be ashamed of their live for someone? Who can ever be afraid to say out loud how much you care about someone and love someone still, despite a lot of ugliness and hurt (both ways) between us in the recent year and recent months?

Yes, as a dreamer and a romantic, I imagine in my head that one day when we meet again, the passion, the fire that was so prematurely dimmed will be relit. How beautiful that would be if it is ever to become reality! How happy I would be, as I believe he would be too, if what he tells me about how deeply he loves me is true and from his heart.

I dream that he will again do something to move me, to touch me, do something so special for me that I will again be in his life, and he in mine...

Only time will tell whether. Only time will bring us together or make us drift apart, for it is meant to be what it is supposed to be.

Talk before bed

Our heads touched as I curled up next to mum. It's become a ritual of sorts, and it is my hope that  this kind of close bodily contact can put mum's mind at ease, and help her fall asleep quicker.

Mum lay under a thick blanket, to protect from the cold, cold spell, and I placed my arm over mum's body, stroking her arm. For many moments, we lay there. Just the two of us in the world, it felt like, against the world. It felt so terribly lonely, just us two against everything else. The rain dropped heavily, the wind howled loudly. Nobody would ever hear of the conversation mum and I just had. Nobody else would know of the heaviness that hung around the room. The teddy bear my ex gave me to keep me company at night sat on the edge of the bed. His head hung low, his face looked so sad.

I could hear mum breathing heavily, a sign that she is falling asleep soon. Another long day at an end. Is sleep the safest refuge from waking moments? Is sleep a refuge from seeing mum suffer, seeing mum sick and vomit? If so, my disturbed sleeping patterns, and the discomfort in my bowels, sure does not provide me with real rest, real refuge...

Mum lay in bed and again said things along the lines of how she has burdened me so. I get very upset hearing her say that. "You are too good to me, and I am too dependent on you..." I closed my eyes tightly, so afraid to let my tears flow, for that would just make mum more sad, more depressed. And she needs happiness, now more than ever. If I cannot give her happiness, the worst thing I could do is give her more sadness and more things to feel remorseful about.

Too good? How can I be too good to her when often nowadays I feel I cannot do enough? And however good I am to her, I can only be there part of the time. I cannot be there all the time. I am not ready to give my whole life up and dedicate myself to taking care of her. I am too 'selfish' to do that, and neither would mum want that. I know she wants me to be happy, to live my life as I wish, as I dream of. Even if it means not being close to her.

"I can really only do what I can while I am here. It is my hope that before I leave, you can be stable enough on your own and do things by yourself," I said. Really, that has always been the reason why I stay and stay with her, the reason why I come back to be with mum whenever she undergoes treatment. So that she can get back on her feet again. So that she can be well enough and live again.

"All I ever want is you to be happy," I said. Yes, oddly it sounds so much like what I say to my ex, but it is true. For the dearest people, the people closest to my heart I only wish them well-being and happiness. And if it means giving up something, whether my time or my own happiness, to give them that so be it.

Mum began talking about money again, and I stopped her before she could continue any further. I stopped her in a rude and abrupt way, I know. I raised my voice, I know. It's terrible of me to do that, I know. But I really just detest it when she talks about money. It's always the same thing... she fears she's spending too much of her money and that she will not have much to leave to me. "I'm afraid of all the medical costs, and costs of hiring someone to take care of me will finish all my pension..."

So what? So I get little or nothing in the end. But I don't want anything. I really don't. I don't doubt that one day, when I can find a job and good career, I can provide for myself. I don't need riches, I don't need luxury to be happy. I just need to get on comfortably, that's all I need and want. And I believe I can do that on my own without having to rely on whatever mum wants to leave me. Actually, it is a wish of mine that when the day comes, and should she leave something for me, I want to give the money to charity in honour of her. In honour of my dear, brave mother who gave me so much, and even after life does not stop giving me...

"How can you even think of money at this moment?" I said. Money, money... in the face of the uncertainty surrounding life and how much longer there is left, what is money to anyone? I know, I can say this because we are a middle class family, and have never really needed to think about or worry about money too much. But especially at this stage in mum's life, money matters even less. If she finishes her savings and pension, I can take out what I have from what my dad left me. Whatever it takes for mum to be comfortable, to be free from pain, to be free from suffering, and free from regret in her life.

My head touched mum's. I closed my eyes. Quietly and in my mind I wished... "Peace... Happiness... Freedom from suffering... Sleep well, mama, sleep beautifully..."

Rising hopes

In the afternoon, my uncle (mum's second brother) called and asked if I wanted to go out tonight. "Want to go light sky lanterns," he asked excited. He had talked about it last week when I met him and his family for lunch one day. And I didn't think he meant it, or that we would go  so soon. So I said yes, and mum too wanted to come along.

Nobody knew it was my birthday, but that didn't matter. We had a wonderful and relaxed time, and I was glad mum managed to come along. We had a nice seafood dinner, and then a soak in the hot spring, which really soothed my mind and eased  a  lot of tension in my muscles. The water was so clear, and bubbled upward from beneath the ground at 50C. In no time, my feet and hands were red like the lobster we ate...

Then came the highlight. We drove to the coastline, and climbed onto a dike. I could not see the sea, but I could hear it very clearly. The Pacific, the vast, vast Pacific Ocean spread out so tranquilly before us. The sky was almost completely clear, almost completely still, and there were so many stars out. My uncle and his friends took out skylantern, and pieces of paper soaked in oil. The tradition is to make a wish quietly as you light lantern, and then release the lantern one by one. The last time I did it was four years ago, right after my dad passed away, and also on my birthday that year. So it was very meaningful to be doing it again this year.

I set up skylanterns with mum, and we both held one side of the lantern. For one lantern I wished that mum would be free from pain, free from suffering. I watched mum close her eyes and deep in thought. Did she wish something for herself? It was a white sky lantern, used to wish for good health or success in you career. Did she wish something for herself, or reserve her wish, and her hopes for me?

My aunt handed me  another skylantern. A pink one this time. "For love!" she said, "Wish something quick!" I smiled, and held the skylantern by the side. It is rare that I wish something for myself, but this time I did have one. "May I find someone whom I love, and who loves me in return." Loves me without conditions, loves me without reservations, loves me truly, deeply, and madly, just as I do him. I smiled again at the thought, and let the skylantern go... Sometimes you just have to let go of everything  before you find something you really want.

I climbed onto the dike, and lay on my back for a few moments, watching the dozen skylanterns lift up higher and higher and higher into the heavens. Mesmerising. Beautiful... So tranquil... "May you carry all our hopes and dreams to far away places... May the world share in the peace, happiness, joy and freedom that these lanterns bring..."

I watched as the skylanterns joined the stars, and dimmed into the darkness. How beautiful and memorable that moment.  Even more so because I spent it with mum...

Wish

I've had this wish for many years. And for some reason the desire to fulfill this wish is stronger than ever before. Is it this movie I just watched? Or this website I just encountered?




I want to bike around Taiwan.

A distance of around 1000km, which some have done in around 10 days. It seems like a daunting challenge, physical and also mental. And will I be able to do it? I know I do need a challenge now, because the past months, caught between mum's deteriorating condition and the end of the deepest relationship I've ever had,  has caused me to become very down and lethargic. I need a challenge to prove to myself that I can achieve something if I set my hear to it. I need a challenge to prove to myself, and partly also to the world, that I can be active, I can be alive.

For a while now, I've felt so useless and rejected, so lost and aimless. Being here with mum, having to tend to her needs and watching her become so weak and so ill, has also drained the life and enthusiasm for life out of me. If I can do this trip, if I can with my own two legs cycle around the island, overcome steep inclines, rough road conditions, fight against the noise and oppression of road traffic, then I have a reason, I have more reason, to believe that I can do anything.

And I need a reason right now, to live, to continue, to hope and to dream...

I really do. Because frankly, I feel as if I am dying, like I am merely surviving from day to day, looking forward to sleep and escape, and not looking forward to waking up or anything that will take much effort. And this is not me. I know this is not who I am, but I have somehow become like this, or allowed myself to become like this... And I need to prove to myself, and to the world, that this lethargic, exhausted and hidden boy is not the real me. The real me needs to break out from the troubles and burdens life has laden on top of me. The real me needs and can break free!

I need a reason to pick myself again, a reason to be proud of myself, a reason to look back and smile about. A reason to prove to myself I can set myself a challenge and accomplish that challenge.

And what beautiful scenery I will see along the way... what sense of joy I will experience from experience true Formosa at its finest and with the power of my own body!

Forever love

Some time ago, soon after I returned here, my cousin gave me a nice card. A love card, with a beautiful message, a message that describes my feelings for someone should I fall for someone. Only once has that ever really happened.

 "Why?" I asked my cousin when she gave me the card, especially as I have no one to give this card to.

"Keep it for that one day when you do have someone!" she said. So I put the card away, wondering when I will be able to use it.

It's Valentine's Day. The shops have been filling with heart-shaped products which makes me tend to look away whenever I see them. I even got a free ticket to go see a movie about love (titled: 愛Love，literally, "Love Love"). Not sure if I'll even go see it. Just another day, filled with hospital appointments and the difficulty of seeing mum so weak and tired... How different it feels  like compared to a year ago, when I had my first "real" Valentine's Day.

But one day that beautiful day will come when I can give the card to the one I love, truly, madly, and deeply. 

A quiet moment

A quiet day today. In the morning we went to the sports park for a breath of fresh air, for the weather was unusually clear and bright for this city at this time of the year. That clear spell lasted only an hour or so, then it became gloomy and grey again.

Mum kept on insisting that we go out for a big meal to celebrate, but I didn't want to. The last time we went for a meal, we had to pack everything up half-way through the meal because mum was gagging and about to vomit. While fixing dinner, mum said I should eat long noodles, like I did last year, for the longer the noodles, the longer your life is said will be.

"I don't want a long life," I said, "Just a happy one". What's the point of a long life if you're miserable and suffering, whether physical pain or emotional torment? All I could hope for is a happy life, filled with love and care and kindness. Of course that all depends how I live my life, and how I choose to perceive life. Maybe a nice warm home, and a devoted, loving, caring person to go back home to every day. But that is perhaps asking too much. Just a happy life is enough.



I went to the bookstore after dinner to pick up new books to read. Reading is perhaps the one thing I can really concentrate on doing here, the one thing I can do relatively well amid the turbulent and upsetting circumstances surrounding mum's health condition nowadays. While browsing, I spotted a book that might prove useful for a personal challenge that I'm planning in the coming period-- if mum's condition permits me to go ahead.

When I got home, mum was getting ready for bed. On the nurse's recommendation, I warmed up some heat packs and placed them on her bed, for they are supposed to aid sleep. I lay down next to her, and she stroked my head a bit. Mum's hair has greyed plenty since the surgery. Her hands have somehow become very wrinkled and dry, her fingers trembling slightly. The coarseness of mum's voice still reminds me much of an old witch...

She began telling me about a conversation she had with my brother earlier. "It's good to see him happily married, and to have a new family to care for him." I had an idea where this was going. And I was right.

"I only wish you had someone too," she said quietly, straining a little as her voice is still very coarse and fragile, "When I am gone, I hope you will have a new mum and dad to care for you..." I closed my eyes, and imagined what they would look like... "They would be lucky to have a son like you..." I closed my eyes also to stop the tears from escaping.

Mum continued. "I am so fortunate. The surgery saved me in time, or otherwise I would have become paralysed for life. That is perhaps worse than death..." She recounted how waking up for the first time after the anesthetic wore off on 28 December she was so relieved she could feel and move her legs and arms. "It was like I was born again..." I was not there to witness that, to see the expression on her face when she came to and realised that she can move her body at will. I only managed to arrive a couple of hours later.

I lay next to mum and buried my head face down on a pillow. I said nothing as she continued. "If I think about it, I have no regrets..." It was not the first time mum said this, but it was the first time after her major surgery. The first time after many references to wanting to end her life because the soreness and pains after the surgery is tormenting her body and mind, and keeping her awake at night. "Dad was so thrift and hard on himself, and he left me with money for treatment," she said, sniffing, "And I am so lucky to have a son who cares so much." I closed my eyes even tighter. "Which boy would rush home and take care of his mother like you do?"

"I just want you to be well," I managed to say, "As the doctor said, it's the quality of life that matters..." Yes, why would you want to live on and on and live a life full of regrets, full of waking fears and dormant feelings of guilt and "what ifs", full of physical pain and discomfort? And like that couple in the movie we watched earlier together, when there is limited time and space to live, live and do pursuing a dream, living a dream. All the rest matters so very little. So very, very little.

I do not know how long mum will be around... I cannot guarantee that I can have success in my career or have the wonderful partner and caring in-laws that she would like me to have when she is no longer around. But here and now, I can try, and try, and try again to do everything I can to make her feel comfortable, to make her feel loved. There is nothing else I would do less, there is nothing more I could do less than be by her side as long as I can as she takes this slow, slow journey to recover her strength and 'old' self. Perhaps she may never recover, never be her old self, the strong, brave woman, mother and wife I now she once was. But in my mind, she will always be my dear, brave mother.

My dear, brave mother who gave birth to me twenty eight years ago.

Leaving greacefully...

“There is no medicine. All you can give is the love of family, love plus care.”

I bought the movie Leaving Gracefully (帶一片風景走) some weeks back, hoping that we would have the time to sit down and watch it together as a family. I knew the theme would have a lot of meaning for my family, but in the evenings mum has either been too tired or too ill, so we never got around to it.

Only today, on my birthday, or because of my birthday, did mum and I manage to watch it. Half way through, brother called from the other side of the world to say he arrived home safely. Tears I shed were just drying when he called. 

The movie is based on a true story. In 2008, a husband and his wheelchair-bound wife, who is diagnosed with spinocerebellar atrophy, spent 84 days and walked over a million steps to circumnavigate the island of Taiwan (a distance of around 1000km). The working class couple touched many hearts as they walked around the island, and the media dubbed it “Love of a Million Steps”. How far would a husband go to share how much he cares and loves his wife? What would you do with your life when there is limited time and space? As the wife slowly loses her motor skills and ability to speak, the husband decides to fulfil a promise he once made to her. He wants to take her oyster hunting at low tide, he wants to take her on their first honeymoon, for they never had one; he wants to take her on a final journey, and defy what the doctor said about it being impossible. 

And they did manage to do it, in a revamped wheelchair, with a flimsy shopping cart trailing behind, and with the husband pushing all the way. One step at a time, slowly, in sunshine or in rain. Passerbys offered them encouragement and support, some gave them shelter and food, some even offered them rides. But the husband refused, for he said he wanted, needed to walk this final journey with his wife. Just the two of them...

“Even though we cannot walk hand in hand, our shadows on the ground are together…”
 

I shed tears quietly at many moving moments, and quietly wiped away the tears. At one point, the wife insisted to return home after already walking for over a hundred kilometres, in order to sing happy birthday to their daughter. That scene was perhaps even more touching as today was my birthday. The lady, though she has almost lost the ability to speak, tried hard to sing "Happy Birthday" to her daughter. The daughter, obviously moved, ran to hug her mother, and together they cried... Another touching scene was when while going up a steep hill the husband fell, but the first thing he does is ask whether his wife is alright and tends to her needs… Such is their love, the husband's deep commitment to the care and comfort of the wife till the very last moment of her life. How beautiful that is, that love, that affection, which is unconditional and resolute, which transcends the purely physical. "I will grow ugly..." the wife, knowing how the disease will affect her looks and make her  eyes bulge and her arms shrivel, said to the husband at one point, to which he replies "And I will grow old..." He loves her not for how she looks, but for the person whom she is, until the very, very end. Their marriage vows were truly forever. 

The doctor who initially diagnosed the wife became deeply touched and inspired. Though there is no cure, he realises, of all the patients he has seen before, this couple defied his opinion of what a person with a degenerative brain disorder can achieve. Whereas everyone will gradually disintegrate and die in the end, the couple showed their determination to decide life for themselves, and how “Just being happy is good enough…” 

It is not without reason why I wanted to watch this movie, especially watch it with mum. It is my hope the movie will fill mum with hope. Perhaps, seeing that husband and wife, she will be inspired and tell herself: “If they can do it, if a person who is wheelchair-bound and has lost all control over her body can, then I too can live and be happy…”

(translation mine)

Can the soft, soft wind hear? Hear me quietly describe the past?
Don’t let that past vanish. Your little smile was so beautiful.
The waves made up your face, the sky was full of rosy clouds.

The spray of the waves is emotionally attached to the blue, blue sky. The tides never forget the vows of love.
Tightly, tightly [I] hold your little hand, [and] remember to take love away.
Longing is like the tides and is not dispelled, [it] is before one’s eyes.


[I] cannot differentiate whether it is the rain or tears,
Please, moon, [I] hope she can accompany you,
And fly away with a little smile…

Lantern Festival

A full moon hangs in the sky, the first full moon after the lunar new year. Seeing the full moon always reminds me of my first relationship for some reason. Perhaps it because of the shape and brightness of the full moon, a symbol of perfect roundness, of unity and completeness. I sometimes get melancholy when I look up and see the moon, as I did tonight...

There was a song which touched my heart when I was very little. A song about longing and separation. And I heard that song in my head tonight...

 Somewhere out there, under the full moon is someone for me. Imagine that, imagine the magic  and possibility that we could perhaps be looking at the moon at this very moment... In any case, we are sleeping under the same moon, under the same full, bright moon...

Somewhere out there is someone who will one day soothe my tears when they fall, who will touch me when I need comforting, who will hold me when I am weak and down... I just have not met that person yet.

give up

When you give up everything, what else have you got to lose?

Sleep my baby, at my breast,
Tis a mothers arms round you.
Make yourself a snug, warm nest.
Feel my love forever new.
Harm will not meet you in sleep,
Hurt will always pass you by.
Child beloved, always youll keep,
In sleep gentle, mothers breast nigh.
Sleep in peace tonight, sleep,
O sleep gently, what a sight.
A smile I see in slumber deep,
What visions make your face bright? 

Thesis report

I opened my email box, the first time in a few days. Among the mails I quickly deleted was one from my supervisor. A congratulatory email, with an attachment marked "report" from my external examiner.

I passed.

Finally. The long-awaited result I have been waiting for. With the situation of my mum, I have not really had time to think of the results much... and to be honest, I did not (have time to even?) dread it. I read it, smiled a little, and was happy that this is all over. Did I expect the results? Did I know deep down that the review would be good, or that my thesis would be described as a "creative contribution to developing international law"? I showed my mum the results, and that made her smile.

Funny thing, over a month ago I sent her a copy of my thesis, and today was the first time she opened it, because she had been hospitalised the entire time since the end of December. When she read what I wrote on the dedications page ("For my dear, brave mother"), she teared and thanked me. Even as  she wiped away her tears with her fingers, I tried hard to contain mine.

She thanked me, but I thanked her. For as I wrote inside:

[...]
Most of all, I would like to express my most heartfelt gratitude to my dear, brave mother, to whom this thesis is dedicated. Despite the difficult and testing hardships she endures, she never stopped offering me her motherly love and encouragements from afar. Her wisdom, forbearance, smiles and kindness inspire me to keep going, push me to be strong no matter what. The completion of this thesis, and this degree, is a life wish of hers, and I am grateful that I am able to fulfill that wish.

Those words are as true when I wrote them as they are today, more than a month later, even after all that has happened, and even after all that she has (we have) gone through. And these words will be true forever, and ever, for my dear, brave mother truly is a source of love, encouragements and support, even from afar, and I am sure, even when she is no longer with me.

The news of my thesis is a welcome respite from the unpleasantness of hospital wards, appointments, scans and the imepending treatment. Again, the thesis is a reminder to my mum of one reason why she wants to push herself, why she is putting herself through yet another treatment, which may or may not work, but will certainly cause her (and us) much discomfort and side-effects. For mum would like to be well, she is pushing herself to get better. For attending my graduation ceremony is an event she says is one reason why she is training hard to get better, to walk again, and to get more treatment. Going to Canada again is one of her "life" wishes (as I call it), and I can only say I am glad I can help, in any small way, to make her realise that wish...

longings

Longings

On my way out to the hospital today, I walked passed their bedroom quickly, but it was slow enough to see a beautiful moment. Brother was leaning against my sister-in-law's body, and they hugged one another cozily. I don't think they noticed me admiring that one split moment, for I quickly went as quickly as I came. The baby slept next to them quietly.

That moment, that beautiful moment stayed in my mind for a long time. I am happy for my brother, and I told him repeatedly too, that he has found a lovely wife, and that they are raising a beautiful baby together. What could be more touching ad magical in life to have all that? To have the love, stability and togetherness of family, to have around you the people you care about and love more than anything else in the world?

Deep down, I was reminded again of what I lost... A chance at something as beautiful as that. How much I long for a warm touch, for a kind word, for a deep, loving, intimate hug right now... How I need that, need intimacy and an outlet to clear my mind and to reassure me that I am strong and that I can face the days ahead. How my heart would just melt, and I imagine, how my eyes would just start to water if I had a boy in my life right now to share my pains, to share my laughs and joys.

Not that I am hoping and wishing for something in return for all that I do for my mum... But there are moments when I am alone that I comfort myself with the thought that one day, one day, I will find that special someone who will care for me so very deeply, who will love me so very deeply and unequivocally... One day, I tell myself, when all this that I am experiencing is over, someone will unexpectedly enter my life, sweep me off my feet, and hold me by the hand and tell me "It's all going to be alright..."

One day, in attempts to calm my mind, to daydream and distract myself from the reality of hospital sights and sounds, I imagine someone special will be there for me no matter what, and he will not turn away and change his heart so suddenly as the wind changes direction.

Because that's what I give, and I do believe you get back what you give the world.

And how beautiful, how wonderful, that day will be...

Warrant

Why did it feel like i was signing away a warrant...? A death warrant was what came to my mind when I put down the pen. Perhaps it's a "life" warrant, for it's supposed to remove remaining traces of mum's cancer on the spine. But it felt so heavy, so very burdensome, as if the responsibility, the outcome is all resting on my shoulders. Just one little push, and I could have burst out in tears at the doctor's office.

The entire morning I rang back and forth between home and hospitals. I needed to deliver the latest whole-body bone scan results to the new doctor at the hospital we were referred to. Out of curiosity, I went home first to take a look at the images. And lucky I did that, because the lady who copied the images gave me those from last year, so I had to go back to the hospital where mum is still staying and get the correct images. Plus, I had to make sure mum has some thing substantial and nutritious to eat, for she has been complaining of terrible fatigue and lack of energy. The surgery had really taken away much of her "energy", or chi, as we say here. And a person lacking. "chi" is like a deflated tire... Tired, drained, utterly listless and mentally and physically eroded...

I rushed to meet the doctor's assistant at the hospital mum is about to be transferred to. A long journey across the entire city of Taipei on the bus and metro... Outside, the sky was so gratuitous, so heavy with rain ad fog, and I found myself having to lift myself up and tell myself that the sun is just behind the clouds...

The doctor's assistant was extremely friendly and patiently explained to me the entire procedure. She said it could all be arranged by tomorrow, and treatment could all be completed by the Lunar New Year, which is coming Sunday (With all the rushing around and time at the hospital, the festivities have escaped me, and I am only reminded of it by the changing of shop windows and signs and red lanterns...). But at mum's request, I rescheduled the procedure to be after the New Year, for she is already so weak and energyless.

So on the 30th of January a more precise scan will be made of the two (or more?) tumours on the spine. The next two days are planned for treatment, and on the 4th of February, a post-procedure consultation with the neurosurgeon is planned. I was again taken aback by the efficiency and speed of the entire process.

The doctor's assistant kindly explained to me the procedure, side-effects, and costs. Over two hundred thousand New Taiwan Dollars (approx. CAD 7000), as this form of radiotherapy is very advanced, and still undergoing clinical testing, so is not covered by the national health insurance.
I gasped quietly when the costs were revealed, for earlier an estimate (by her current physician) was half that amount... And I was specifically told also that as the cancer has metastasised, the next treatment can only contain, not fully eradicate mum's cancer. As precise and effective the treatment is, it can only detect and destroy tumour cells over 1.25mm. Anything smaller will go unnoticed, thus there remains the possibility of not a completely "clean" treatment.

I listened the to list of side-effects... Nausea, vomiting, swelling of the oesophagus, lung fibrosis, possible bronchitis, diahrea, localised damage to the intestines... As new and advanced as the treatment is, it is still a form, albeit much improved form that is much less destructive of surrounding organs and cells, of radiotherapy. The list of side-effects may be daunting, but the doctor's assistant said there was a duty to tell me all that so we are aware of the risks.

But what price tag can you put on health? What risks can possibly outweigh the possibility of living for another day with less pain, with more hope? Mum may never get better, may never completely be free from cancer, but for now, the new treatment is the best that is on offer and best way to deal with the spreading on her spine.

We cannot give up now. Not after we have come so far...

I signed the documents, and found myself trembling as I did.

My name was on the form...

I am my mum's representative. In a way, I somehow found myself determining mum's health and illness, life and death. Mum could not be there, for she is hospitalised. Brother could not be there, because he's gone home to spend time at the mother-in-law's.

And I am the only one who has to shoulder all this and decide right there, right then...

" I understand the cyberknife treatment, its necessity, its procedure, its risks and success rate.

I understand alternative treatments and their risks.

I understand the sideeffects and possible risks of the cyberknife treatment.

I have been able to ask questions and enquire dieter about the cyberknife treatment.

I understand the cyberknife treatment is currently the best option, but it cannot guarantee an improvement in the condition.

I agree to proceed with the cyberknife treatment.

Signed in agreement with the above,

XXXXXX , son of the patient,
Taipei,
2012/1/16 at 14.26.

Long day

I walked home from the hospital in the rain. My heart was heavy, for it was such a long, long day...

It started with a trip, long trip, to a hospital in southern Taipei, where we were recommended a surgeon specialised in the latest radiotherapy treatment for cancer. We took the taxi, to cut the traveling time, even so it took over half an hour to cross the entire city, and the traffic was very smooth. It was the first time since my return that I entered downtown Taipei...

On the way we passed the crematorium, where dad was cremated almost four years ago. I did not say anything, but from the look of mum's face, I could see she was thinking probably the same as I did. I touched her arm to comfort her.

We didn't have to wait at te hospital, and were called in. The neurosurgeon, in his forties or so, sporting a little beard around the chin, was extremely receptive and kind. He took a look at the latest scans and shared with us his opinion, and recommended the treatment we had heard about: the cyberknife.

It could be done within two, three days, for an hour or so a day. And it could all be done next week, after mum conducts further and more details scans to pinpoint the exact location(s?) where the cancer has spread to. There is one confirmed area, T2, just behind the throat and windpipe. But another suspected region is just a bit lower, just behind the small intestines. Both regions are "blind spots" that traditional surgery or radiotherapy cannot effectively reach. But the cyberknife can be extremely precise and target a specific area. There is around five percent of risk of damage to the throat and/or intestines, but generally the results have been very promising.

Mum and I left the hospital, buoyed by the hope of another new treatment that may be able to rid of her cancer, at least around the spine area. We headed back and for the first time I accompanied her to vote.

I could not go inside the polling station, as I have no papers and am not eligible to vote. So I watched from behind a glass window how mum limped on her cane toward the booth and afterwards put three pieces of paper in three separate ballot boxes, one for the president and vice president, one for the legislature, one for political party.

It was a nerve wracking four hours since the opening of the polls at four in the afternoon. The difference was so close in the beginning, and then by five or so, the gap began to widen. The incumbent, pro-China party began to lead. Last I saw, the Nationalist Party of China (KMT) was leading by over six hundred thousand votes, or by over seven percent.

Again, the country is divided... A very blue/pro-China/pro-Business north and a very green/pro-Taiwan south. They say the big businesses leaders who overwhelmingly supported the KMT swung the votes. Together with the tacit support of the Chinese government, they chartered flights to transport employees back to Taiwan to vote. Vote for the pro-China, pro-unification, pro-big business party. Some report the Chinese government has pressured big businesses which have a lot of investment and interest in China to return a "favourable" result, or else. And it appears to have worked...

The opposition pro-Taiwan party of Tsai Ing-Wen still garnered some 46% of the votes. With the donations of the "common people", calls for justice and equality, lessening of the income gap, she fought an honourable campaign, and attracted the support of noted scholars and democracy activists. But that is not enough. Not enough to overwhelm the power and wealth of big business and entrenched influence of the KMT....

---

The KMT really did win, with 52% of the votes. There have been no irregularities, no major incidences of riots or disorder.

The people have spoke, And what was said is to my disappointment, for the majority, though not by much, seem to want peaceful and closer ties with China. Even so, there are still almost fifty precent of the population who do not want that, and who voted for the opposition, who will for the next four years still be he opposition.

I fear that the KMT has now power in the president and also a majority in the legislature , which basically allows them power to do whatever they want...

The entire democratic process, from campaigning to the elections themselves have been rather fair and free. And relative calm reigns over the island as people go back to their daily lives after all this furore and noise. It really does show how mature democracy and the people's believe in the democratic process has become, and how the minority accepts the majority opinion, even to their great dismay and fears...

I can only hope that, as the KMT promises, it will do what is best for the interests of this nation and its people. I can only hope that Taiwan's sovereignty and dignity will be safeguarded, and that our freedoms will continue to thrive and can continue to be enjoyed...

Happy new year

Final half an hour of the new year. Sitting in the bright corridor of ward 172 at the Taipei Veterans General Hospital, just outside mum's room.  I never imagined I would be spending this new year in Taiwan (again...). I thought I would spend it with friends, or alone at home. But I'm glad in a way I'll be welcoming 2012 with mum, even though she's already fast asleep. On the glass window of mum's room I placed some pictures and little notes. Something I enjoy doing, and something I thought would add a little touch of humanness and care to the hospital ward. "Happy new year" one said, and the other ＂Thank you for all your hard work". The latter note is directed at everyone, the nurses and doctors who work day and night to alleviate the pain and suffering of so many. But the note is also directed at the patients and relatives who struggle everyday against illness, anxiety, and fear... We have all worked very hard... All of us... Fifteen minutes till the new year, till the old is over and done with. Overall, it's been a tough year, and filled with a lot of downs, having to face a long-drawn out breakup, the prsopect of losing the best and closest friend I have ever had, and having to continuously face mum's  deteriorating health condition and brushes with physical disability, and death... But there too have been wonderful times... My first true love, which was so deep, so real, so very beautiful... the wedding of my brother... realising the dream of traveling with mum to Canada... Taking the first step to immigrating permanently... the birth of my nephew... and completion of my thesis after three long years. It has not been easy, but life never is... Hopefully the coming year will be filled with more positive energy and beautiful moments with people who make me smile and who touch my heart, and that my hopes and aspirations will begin to be realised. The final countdown... The sprawling city before me flashes with colourful explosions and sparks. Behind the dark silhouette of the Yuanshan mountain range, the spire of Taipei 101 glows bright with an impressive display of lights and fireworks. 2012 is here finally... I look down at the world beneath my feet and silently wished... May all beings be happy, may all beings be free. May mum regain her health, may she soon recover...  May I be strong, may I be filled with the compassion and love I need, and more, to carry me through difficult and testing times...  Happy new year... May it be a happy one.   

Sleepless in The Hague

Another sleepless night. Been lying in bed for almost an hour, and just know if I don't get my thoughts out, I won't be able to rest. It happens to me often, especially when so many things are on my mind, as now. And listening to BBC World Service, or BNR Nieuws-radio does not help...the stories of the troubled world of suicide bombings in Cairo, hostage-taking in 'post-war' Iraq, historic handshakes of long separated Chinese arch-enemies, President George W. Bush's 9pm sharp bedtime, etc etc etc seems to make it all worse.


So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!



The sky at night...

Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.

Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.

Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!

So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!

I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!

"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"