Email from the ex

Email from the ex

On my birthday, he wrote to me. Wishing me much peace and happiness, telling me how much he cares and wishes to be there for me.

Later in the afternoon, as I was sitting alone on the beach, he caught me on my phone. We videocammed, he played a birthday song with singing and dancing squirrels. He said happy birthday to me many many times. I was indifferent. This birthday is so meaningless. I said I wished someone were by my side to share it. I wished someone were here to hold my hand and show me how much they care.

My friend seemed to be making so much effort to reach me, to try to make me smile. I was not sure what to think. Here was someone who left me for someone else, who is still with someone else and continues to tell me how much he cares about and loves me.

 Perhaps that is all I will ever receive from him: love in this mysterious way that only he can understand, that is limited seemingly in words and repeated attempts to reach me and make me happy. Nothing more, nothing less, despite my wishes that we can one day be that strong, loving dynamic duo we once were and thought we would be for a long, long time to come...

Departure

He was in tears. We hugged. "Sorry..." he said. I think I know why.

"You don't have to be sorry..." He took time off work to be with me. He bought an expensive ticket to fly here and has to work weeks to catch up on work. He cried and put himself through such painful experiences. For me. What more can I expect of a friend? What can I expect from just a friend?

"Be happy... Be free..." I wished him.

He continued to tear as he entered the immigration control. He turned back and mouthed, twice, "I love you..."

I smiled weakly back.

Knowing what you want

A friend came by to visit today, someone who was in my year. She knows mum, and has in the past four years been very supportive of mum and I. She happens to live in Taipei, and on occasion has even come to visit mum when I was not around. And a number of times on Mother's Day, she would send mum a text message.

We share not just the year we began our studies. Her mum passed away several years ago, also due to cancer. She knows the battle of a cancer warrior, and she knows even better the role and pains of a cancer warriors sidekick.

She came by after work to pay respects to mum. Her eyes were moist almost as soon as she stood before the altar. And throughout the evening, as she recounted her experience and listened to mine, she would sniff her nose. I know it is difficult to recall memories. And she reminded me that even after many years the memories will make you tear and cry.

"Give yourself the time to cry..." she said. She said she didn't allow herself that opportunity, for she worked and worked, and her only form of release was when she drank herself silly and poured her emotions out. She regretted that.

We shared stories about the intricacies of Taiwanese funeral rites and traditions and taboos surrounding mourning. Some things make us laugh, others make us feel so strange and upsetting, especially when relatives try to meddle and come in acting as I they know best. Fortunately, we have not had much of that (yet?), as in mum's will she clearly stated that she wanted her two children to take care of the funeral arrangements. And I will of course not disappoint.

"Having gone through this, I think we both know what we want in life..." she said, "We want someone who will be true and lasting, because really life is already so short and there is even less time to love!"

My friend described how when her mother passed away, her boyfriend put his job on hold for a while and immediately rushed back from the US to be with her throughout the entire process. "That is a show of real love..."
And when her boyfriend's mother passed away, she arranged him to travel home so that he could see her again before she left this world. Experiences like this build a relationship, consolidate how much two people mean to one another. Perhaps nothing really brings people together than death, grief and mourning. Death makes you realise how feeble and how temporary we are, and makes you treasure more what you have. Experiencing death in the family makes you love and realise that really, in the end only love matters, and that love will conquer everything.

"Your ex wanting to all the way here is not just out of friendship," he reminded me. "it's a long way to travel and a lot of effort just for a friend..."

Is it?

It is.

Letter from the ex

My ex wrote to me finally today, several days after I wrote him telling him how confused I am about what he feels toward me and what he would like from me. I wrote him at times when I am sitting next to mum, I so wish I could tell her not to worry about me, because there is someone who will care for me, who will love me no matter what happens. But is that someone my ex? How can I tell mum something I don't even know is true?

He wrote back, saying he has always care, he still cares, and he cannot care any less. He said how these few months apart made him realise so much, and how lost he was without me, his "best friend, rock and confidante", and how he longed for me so. When I was back in Canada last month, though there were feelings of anger and disappointment because I shut him out during perhaps the most challenging period of his life, as soon as he saw me, hugged me, and smelled me, he realised he never escaped my charm....

It is touching, so very beautiful and touching to receive an email like that. But it is also frightening too... Why does he feel so strongly toward me? What have I do to make him feel this way about me? And how does his feelings compare to feelings he has for someone else? Why me? Why after all the disappointments and arguments, the silent treatments and ignoring his calls, does he still feel this way toward me? How sincere is he really, and can he show me how much he really cares and wants to be with me?

Maybe I shouldn't be asking questions. Maybe I should just be glad that I am loved, and that there is someone who cares so much about me. But I need someone who will do more than tell me he loves me and wants to be with me... I need and want someone who will be there for me, who will support me and carry me through the most difficult of times. Is he this someone? Can I tell my mum I have such a someone in my life, and that she can go in peace?

My ex's email has two installments, and there is another one coming. I am not sure what else he will write, or what else he feels he should let me know. Maybe he's just telling me all these things in the first installment, and will use the second installment to tell me all the reasons why he is not able to be with or cannot be with me now. Yes, there is a deep seated pessimist within me, but in any case, I shouldn't get my hopes too high yet...

It's all good

(Liberty Times, 240612)

"sometimes, you feel very lonely; sometimes, you feel being by yourself is great.

Sometimes, you like to have someone keep you company; sometimes, you then feel the need to take care of someone else's mood is so tiring.

If it is so, then just let things be then. When you have a lover, be grateful there is someone to love you; when there is no lover, be grateful there is no one to bother you.

Being on your own has the liberty of being on your own; when there are two people, there is the give and take of two people. So darling, it's all good, no matter when, it's all good."

Restless night

Had such a restless night full of dreams which woke up me several times. Dreams of my ex, dreams of mum... Everytime I open my eyes, I turn my head and can just about see her lie there on her bed. I wonder what she is thinking, how she is feeling, and whether she is in a lot of pain...

Just before sleep last night, I wrote an email to my ex. He's been writing to me the last three days, short but encouraging emails. The way we said goodbye made it very difficult to know how to contact him. He said he would "deal with things". He even told a mutual friend that things would change "in the next twelve hours" (from the moment he went off to see his boyfriend with the intention of breaking up...). I left the country, and he did not even call to say goodbye, and instead just sent me a short text message to wish me a safe journey.

So I'm left unsure what his status is now, and am very uncomfortable contacting him. Why? Because he could have just been pretending and putting up a show till I leave. As far as I know, he could tell me he wants to deal with things, but instead doesn't because I'd be gone anyways...

My unease in contacting him comes from the fact that he's told me before I am manipulative and even hinted at the fact I use my mother's situation to influence his feelings toward me. I wrote to him because I wanted to let him know the conversation mum and I had about him the other day, when i told her, in an attempt to reassure her, that my ex cares a lot about me, and that is a possibility of a future between us.

And I asked him in my email something I've been meaning to ask him, because I see it and dream about it: to be there when I bid a final farewell to mum...

I don't know why, but I only feel comfortable for him to be there when he is no longer attached to anyone. I would like him to be there, because I imagine I would need someone to hold and to be with me. I would need someone I can be comfortable with and not have any reservations confiding in. And I cannot do that with just any person... I can do that with him, but only really when he is free from obligations to another. Otherwise, I'd feel like I'm hogging someone else's man and feel the need to hold back. And I feel when that day comes, I cannot afford to hold back my emotions and feelings...

Is it selfish of me to want my ex to be there by my side on perhaps the most challenging day of my life in a long time to come? Is it selfish to only want him to be there if he is free from engagements of a previous relationship? Is it selfish to want him all to myself? I just feel I need that, I deserve that, and I need that more than ever now that I am about to lose mum...

Dream

There was so much shouting, back and forth, back and forth. Angry shouting between my ex and I. There was so much anger, and much of the argument centred on getting back together, on whether we have a chance still. He launched a lot of criticisms at me, accusing me of this and that in the past. It was so dramatic, so harsh, so painful to listen to, and I just wanted to walk away... I thought to myself how did we get to this? Didn't we used to be so good, so kind and gentle to one another...? Where did all this anger and harshness come from?

Suddenly the phone rang. It was mum.

She sounded so terribly weak, and she said she was not coming to visit as planned. She went home to Taipei.

I broke down crying and howling...

Yul-YVR

100612.1015 YVR time

I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...

I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.

How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.

But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?

Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?

How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained?  How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.

But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.

As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?

I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...

There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...

Leaving

We can have fun, we can enjoy each others company, we can lie next to one another, and yet there is always one thing between us. My ex is torn and conflicted.

The fragility of our 'relationship' was again unveiled last night, on the eve of my departure, when after a nice evening out, we came home and he said he needed to make a phone call. I went to take a shower. When I came out of the shower, he sat there and had this anxious look on his face.

I can imagine how he must be feeling. Having to pretend, having to perhaps lie and hide on the phone to his boyfriend, and having to face me. The awkwardness was not just felt by me. He felt it too.

He asked me what I was thinking. And i told him it's not nice to have a good few days and suddenly he has to go off and call. It just feels all too much like three years ago, when he was interested in me, interested in starting something with me, and yet still cannot get the courage to break it off with his ex.

He turned around and told me to take some responsibility. I should have foreseen this, I should have known how difficult it is for him to be spending time with me while he is still officially with someone else.

I take responsibility for visiting him, for lying next to him, for sleeping with him. But I will not take responsibility for the situation he is in. He knew already back at the end of February how he feels, truly feels, about me. He declared his feelings for me, he said he did not have want he wanted or needed. I distanced myself from him purposely to give him time and space to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, but it was not enough apparently. He said it was unfair of me to just suddenly drop a postcard and "summon" him to meet at a place and at a time (I thought otherwise... I thought it was romantic and so very special...) He said it's unfair of me to ignore him for so long and not to say explicitly what I want. But is it not clear what i want when the last two weekends I have taken the effort to drop everything and just go and see him?

He wants me to take responsibility, to talk to him and somehow be involved with his breakup (if that is truly what he wants). His reasoning is because he's doing this to be with me.

But truly, I fail to see what role I can play in a relationship he started on his own, a relationship I've tried so hard not to intervene in or get in the way of. He just does not want to feel guilty or take the full responsibility for having to break someone's heart. He just does not have the guts to open his mouth and break up, and he asks me to be there to support him.

In what capacity I don't know. How can I be there and talk to him about what he should do, when he could one day turn back and say to me "I did this all for you! You forced me into breaking up! You were telling me all these things!"?

This entire episode is very telling o what kind of a person my ex is, and it does nothing to quell my doubts and fears about getting back together with him. I sometimes really get the feeling he just does not want to face things, avoids them and wants people to be there to hold and comfort him, when really a lot of things are his own doing. He chose to breakup with me. He chose to start a relationship. He knew fully well a few months into the relationship, and perhaps even before the relationship, things would not work out in the long run. And yet he's not strong enough to let it go, to put an end to things. He's still making the other person believe there is something there, when at the same time making me believe there is a possible future.

There can be no future if he cannot deal with this very issue on his own. There cannot be a future if he cannot have a clean break from the past and really feels ready to move on.

Everything is in his hands now, as I said to him. But he seems to want to take my hand and hold it while he makes up his mind and gathers up his courage...

Fresh start?

Just as I thought it would be a fresh start, just as we're headed out to dinner, my ex says he has to call. To "report in" I guess.

Five minutes, he said, and told me to go ahead and wait and the restaurant. It's been over ten.

How did I get myself into this position again? How did I fall for the same guy who is already involved with another person? It feels like three years ago, when my ex had to "report in" to his ex back then, and had to sneak around and hide things, even though he was with me and having fun with me...

Sitting alone in the restaurant, waiting and waiting for him to show. I could jut leave, I should just leave. Around me are couples in love, couples holding one another's hands. I can't even comfortably do that with my ex...

How did I get myself into this? Why do I get myself into this? Do I never learn how humiliating and uncomfortable it is to be the "other person"?

Moved on

A friend had me over at his place for dinner with him and his mum. I've always enjoyed evenings with them, for it gives me a deep sense of belonging and family. And the food is wonderful.

The mother is really like a mother: caring, wise, understanding and opinionated. She was a bit distant in the beginning and only later did I know why when she revealed the reason.

Last time I was there, I was torn and distraught, broken because my ex was actively pursuing someone else. She reminded me then to be strong and that I'd get out of it, and she said she hopes when she sees me next, I'll be better off, stronger, and come out from this all having learnt something.

I did not disappoint her. One week has gone since I went to see my ex. We has fun and great times biking, we slept with one another. But it felt empty, like something is missing. I did not feel comfortable in his arms when I cried. Only on the last night before I was leaving did we seriously talk about things and where he is.

He broke down and cried and cried, said how difficult life has been without me all these months. He said he misses me so much, he loves me and has always loved me. He said he'll "fix" things. He admitted he was in a relationship with the other boy because it was comforting and an escape. He could not tell things to the other guy he told me. From friends I heard it was just a convenient relationship because the other guy is so much younger, and my ex seems to pay for everything. Whatever it is, if my ex and his new boyfriend is happy with the arrangement, who is to judge?

My ex had months to "fix" things. He chose not to because he's afraid to break the other guy's heart. He chose not to because the guy had final exams. That already was a revealing sign of his honesty and test of how true he claims his feelings are for me. If you truly, truly love someone, if you truly truly care about someone, would you not give up every thing and prove your commitment? And since I came back, my ex has slept with me, been around me, but he does not dare let the other guy know. I feel like I am the mistress. I feel a repeated pattern here, of pretence, of hiding and of being dishonest because my ex is top afraid to face things seems content to just let things linger and linger. Mutual friends of ours are so disgusted by my ex's behaviour, are so uncomfortable when my ex brings his new boyfriend to social gatherings, but they say nothing. What is there to say when the behaviour is expected?

I had my answer from the weekend I had with my ex. It was fun, it was reliving past memories of biking together and being so carefree with one another. But it was not as deep, it was different. Is it me? Have I changed? Have I weaned off from wing dependent on my ex?

He says he still feels something, but again I see no change in our situation. I came back here, back into his life, but who am I now? Who am I but a disturbance in the relationship he has built and settled for in my absence? As when I leave to go in around ten days time, what will have changed? Nothing. It will be as if I was never here. I told him to let me go, to put all the things I've given him in the past, in the cupboard, throw them out if he has to. He cried and screamed "Never! Never!"
Never, never, but he has done nothing, nothing at all to make me believe him, make him trust him and feel like there can still be a future with him. All we've done since my return is have fun and pretend as if there is no issue to deal with. All he has done is repeatedly say he loves me so, misses me so much, kissed me passionately on the lips like he's never done before. But he's still in a relationship. Still hiding, still pretending everything is alright.

"I will be moving on now..." was the note I left in my ex's apartment the other day. He can refuse to let me go, he can still be stuck in his relationship and pander after me, but the choice was all his to make, and I removed myself from his life, from his relationship and wished him happiness and lasting love. As far as I am concerned, there is no more future. My ex had me, but he lost me. And I have tried to move on. And I am succeeding.

"It's good to see you have grown stronger and moved on. I am proud of you!" my friend's mum said.

There comes a point when you realise what is important, especially in the face of losing someone so dear to your life. And I realise that. It is a shame that my ex does not...

Weekend together again

A beautiful day of biking with my ex, visiting the little town of Niagara on the Lake, where we had been together some three years ago. A wonderful bike ride, reliving many past moments we shared enjoying the freedom of cycling, and freedom from all sorts of stresses, tensions, unpleasantness and events and occurrences out of our control.

Came back to the hotel room. "I need to make a phone call." to the boyfriend. He told me to take a shower and wait for him to return.

How bizarre I felt, and I turned silent. I felt cheap, like a mistress on the side. That is who I am, right, as to my surprise my ex's boyfriend has no idea of where he is and who he is with. A most unfortunate set of circumstances, but who am I to judge? I told him so many times to talk to his boyfriend, to tell him the truth, but there's always something in the way, always a reason to delay telling the truth, always a reason to play with two people and toy with emotions.

What is so difficult, I wonder? He tells me he has never loved anyone like he does (or did?) me, so what is stopping him from ending a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? Comfort, "fun", not willing to break the other guy's heart? Or is the boyfriend just an escape, a distraction away from his new and apparently difficult working life in a big city where he knows no one?

Problems unsolved will only get worse and worse. My friends pity my ex's boyfriend, who seems to know nothing and seems to be in for a terrible heartbreak, who has no idea that my ex has been so lost and confused without me. Nobody pities my ex, because frankly he got himself into this situation, and he should have dealt with things long ago. He should have dealt with things and stopped pretending to have a relationship when he realised how he cannot seem to be without me in his life.

One last chance, one last opportunity for my ex to explain himself, for some clarification, because I owe him that much, and our special bond deserves that much. And then it's make or break.

Because I do not need this kind of mess in my life, I do not need old memories and uncertainties to drag me down and depress me. I need to liberate myself from feeling like an "aside", like just a thing to be toyed with.

I deserve much much more.

Tears of sadness

I cried, really cried for the first time since I left home. My friends had to hold me and comfort me, but the tears could not stop flowing.

"It's ok, let it out. You'll feel better..." I felt somewhat better after crying and after drinking myself silly. I've never done anything like it, but my friends insisted I go out and drink, let the hurt and pain, sorrow and sense of betrayal be drowned by glasses of sangria. I did not go home. I was scared to go home. I slept at a friend's place, but only for an hour or two before suddenly being 'shocked' awake. And I lay in bed for hours, with thoughts rushing through my mind...

I found out the truth of why my ex was not in NYC this weekend. Whether he did or did not go to much lengths to try and find a way to get there and see me is another matter. But what is telling is that he spent the weekend here with friends and with his boyfriend.

Yes, contrary to what I have believed or wanted to believe, my ex is still together with the guy. Amazing, three months after my ex wrote to me pouring out his feelings for me, and telling me he'd "deal" his his situation, he's still not dealt with it. He wanted to wait for an opportune time, explaining that he did not want to give his boyfriend pressure while he's doing his finals. Valid excuse. But was there no opportune moment over the course o three months? Or was the will to break up simply not there, and my ex was saying to me all these things just to "get to me"? Deep down, only he knows the truth, only he must sleep at night with a conscience. I don't know what to believe anymore when he tells me things.

Most painful of all, as I heard from my friends, all the time I have been away, my ex has been walking around with his boyfriend as if it were the most normal thing. I was replaced, and his boyfriend brought into our circle of friends. Everyone found it bizarre, dishonest, and questioned my ex how he could put on this charade of a relationship, make the other person believe there is something meaningful there, whereas all the time my ex tried and tried to reach me and to declare his true feelings for me. Oh, people know. They it's such a joke what my ex has been up to, such immaturity of trying to hide things and pretend things are alright, when deep down there are so many uncomfortable things unsaid. And they pity the other person, who is much younger and seems to have no idea my ex is playing two people's hearts at the same time and seemingly enjoying it in the mean time.

Nobody can know what my ex is feeling, why he does the things he does. And god knows he is torn and breaking up deep inside. But really a lot of it is his own doing. Letting things drag on and on and not wanting to deal with issues, and with time things get worse, feelings are intensified, and the hurt is much deeper.

My ex and I exchanged a number of text messages. I told him how much it hurts to find out he slept with me, kissed me so passionately (like never before...) and yet he's still with his boyfriend. How could he sleep at night, I asked him. How can he hurt me like this, knowing all difficult, difficult issues of death and illness I've had to face and am still facing surrounding my mum's condition? I said I'm already so vulnerable right now, and finding out how he's not been completely honest with me, and even slept with me the night after he was with another guy, made me feel so sick.

He hit back at me. He said it was tiring how I "rub in death and illness" to make me seem like the victim, to make it seem like I need sympathy. That just wounded me so terribly. Because he really has no idea how it is to be faced with death and illness. I wasn't dropping those words as a soundbite for dramatic effects. He has no idea, nobody has any idea until there're faced with losing someone they lose imminently how pervasive the sadness, depression and suicidal tendencies are. He has no idea how there have been various moments I just feel so tempted to injure myself, cut myself or jump in front of a moving bus. Anything, anything to numb the physical and psychological torment...

He lamented how I've treated him poorly ignoring his attempts to reach me for months. And how I seem to have no sense of self-criticism over my behaviour in the past few months.Where was it all coming from? Perhaps in my lack of self-criticism, I am overseeing what I have done so wrong...
True, I admit it, I avoided contact with all the rest of my friends and ignored my ex especially. I just was so tired I from everything I could not muster the energy to pick up the phone and just call me, just start telling people how I'm doing or what I'm facing. And why did I not want to talk to my ex? Because everytime he would just break down and cry. I was/am already hurting, struggling to cope with new and ever evolving circumstances, trying so hard not to cry, but he cries... And it was just so bizzare to hear him cry, when he has everything he wants: the boy he has been after for almost a year, a job (albeit with strange and somewhat elitist colleagues), and a nice apartment in downtown Toronto. He has his health, his parents seem to be alright... and yet for some reason he is not happy.
He told me in all the time I ignored him and refused to pick up the calls, he became so severely depressed and emotional, to the extent it affects his ability to work.

So it is/was all my fault? Admittedly, my fault to separate and distance myself from him, to isolate and insulate myself from his world so he can go and discover what it is he really wants in life. But is it my fault he harbours such strong emotions for me, is it my fault that he chose to be with someone but then realise, or perhaps has even known all the time, that it would not work out? Is it my fault that I shy away and try to focus on my mum, my priority at this critical juncture of her life, and that I simply do not wish to be distracted? Distracted by his attempts to woo me again, distracted by his declarations of feelings for me and seeing and being told by mutual friends that he is doing completely the opposite of what he says he feels for me. I do not need this, any of this...

And to lament me for ignoring other friends, to speak on their behalf and say how sick my behaviour has been over the past few months? how do you just pick up the phone and start ranting, lamenting, crying even about mum's condition? It's not me, I'm not some weak young kid, I can handle things, I can take it, and there really is no need for me to talk to people if I don't want to. How come everyone of my friends could understand but my ex? How come they could understand I need space and time to deal with mum's situation, but only my ex wanted to constantly be updated on news and developments? I told him in so many e-mails why I don't want to talk to him. How can I keep on bothering him when he's starting a relationship,when he told me frankly to move on?

He lamented me for not being there for when he had such "torturous" few months. And he said I never asked about how he was doing or cared about how depressed he became.

None of the exchanges led to anywhere constructive. one thing ks written, and it is responded with a rebuttal whatever was said or dragged out of the past. It was ugly, creating more tensions, and so destructive...

I was so tired. And I am sure he is so tired too of me, of the same old issues that remain unresolved five months on. Is the problem with me? Is it really with me? I don't know, I really don't know. He throws back things at me, accusing me  of this and that, which is really just very off putting. I thought I was  ready to move on, ready to perhaps talk things through and try to see where we can go from here, but he's still clinging, clinging onto the other boy, refusing to let go, and it seems lamenting me for the great misfortunes of his life over the past few months.

How did we come to this? I thought there was something special there. I thought he truly loved me, at least he said so. But why is it so complicated? It doesn't, shouldn't have to be this way...

Perhaps I should heed the warning others gave me: beware of how manipulative he is, and beware of how soft-hearted I can be...

Disturbance

After a period of relative calm, I became agitated and disturbed again.

Saw a good friend and we chatted for a good long while. I was disjointed and lost when he asked about my mum, but he was understanding and compassionate, as always and offered invaluable support and reassurance.

The topic turned to my ex, and slowly bit by bit pieces of information were revealed. True to my suspicions, my ex seems to be still involved with his boyfriend... He still hasn't let go, he still seems to be clinging on and wanting to have two people  at the same time. From nowhere, the irritation and sense of betrayal rose. To think, after his declaration of love for me just after my birthday, after his various attempts to reach me, it seems to be just a show. And I'm beginning to suspect that the reason why he did not manage to meet me in NYC last weekend was not entirely because he was too busy. I suspect he had his hesitations. Of course, I still have to hear from his side of the story... but can I truly trust what he tells me? He can tell me a few months ago that he loves me so and misses me so much, and yet still stay in a relationship with someone. How honest is that? Why would anyone do that at all?

 He's still confused and conflicted, still unwilling to let go, and still trying to cling onto me. I should know better than fall into that trap again.

I deserve more than this. I deserve someone who will be there for me fully. I know this, and this guy I met when I was out in Vancouver last week also told me this. In fact, everyone tells me this.

I have a feeling now my ex needs me more than I need him. I will give him one last chance to explain himself, to say what he has to say. But if nothing changes, if he is still drowning in that mess of indecisiveness and still caught between feelings for two people, I will just move on. As he told me to move on several months ago.

Starting afresh

I get scared and tense up. I know what the other person is up to, I can feel the touches, the looks and glances. And I am so intimidated by it all.

But is this not what I am looking for, not what I have been craving and dreaming of? And yet when someone is giving it to me, why do I shirk and shy away? Why do I pretend not to notice and pretend none of it is happening? Why do I feel guilty and feel if I live and indulge, I am forsaking mum and abandoning her...?

"I can't..." I said, "I don't want to start anything when everything is so uncertain..." He touched me so tenderly, but I am scared. But is that always my excuse for everything? Is that how I run away from things, because I believe or make myself believe there is something much more important out there holding me back from really living, pulling me back from rushing forward and committing.

How long am I to keep running? How long must I go on living afraid to make commitments, afraid to live for myself?

Dream

02052012.0826

There were a bunch of text messages from my ex, which I did not read or reply to. He sent them over the span of several days, the latest of which was one in which he complained of how difficult a time he is having, how hard he finds going from day to day.

This final one I wrote backj to. I felt upset. Why was he appealing to me for help? Why me of all people? Do I not have enough things I must deal with that are really a matter of life an death?

"And who's the one with the boyfriend???? You think you have it tough?!"

I woke up from my dream.

It was so real, so contextual, the words so close to what I want to say to my ex it could have been real.

But it was just a dream...

What have you to lose?

"When a relationship ends, when you come from being two people to being by yourself, this is something you cannot not accept [...] There is nothing more in life you can lose, so your heart can only hold onto hope. When you are wandering between getting together and getting revenge, this way you can be less sad, right?"

Dream

It was such a vivid and disturbing dream, and when I woke up, I realised it was already past ten in the morning. It was the single most uninterrupted sleep of eight hours that I have had in weeks...

In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.

"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.

I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.

"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.

Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.

Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...

Conversation with ex

Not having spoken to him for over a month, I accidentally answered the phone when he called (he's been calling, but I usually don't pick up...)

As usual, exchanges of what has been happening here and with mum, and what he has been up to. I told him honestly, it takes a lot of courage to talk to him, because I am breaking a vow to myself that I would not contact him so he can really just move on and forget about me.

At one point, I asked him how he's doing, how "they" (as in he and his boyfriend...) are doing. It's no secret any more that almost as soon as I left, my ex go together with the guy, and has been seen together with my friends-- which has caused some heads to shake. It's sad and ugly to hear it said or to think it, but to many it feels like the old flame has gone, and a new one comes along to replace me...

life/love can be so simple...

Sparing on the details, my ex said he needs to "talk" with his guy. I don't know what he means, and what he is doing or thinking. But it really does seem like he still cannot let me go, and is hoping that perhaps we could have something together. Either that, or I'm dreaming, fantasising, and gearing up for a huge disappointment.

I told him there is nothing I wish him except that he is well, happy and loved. Really, being in hospital all day, seeing so many people being ill, you realise the importance of family, the importance of having a loved one by your side when you most need someone. And there is perhaps no greater source of strength than love, love in the relationship sense of the word, to heal and to give someone hope. People can look for all the fun and pleasures in life, but at the end of the day, beyond the physical pleasures and lust, true love is wanting to be with someone no matter what. True love is like my aunt and late uncle, lasting and enduring, painful but beautiful till the very end...

He told he things have been very difficult, and he feels much regret. I was not sure what to say... He made a choice, he is still together with the other guy, but he's not happy, his heart is still divided and he's still longing for me... Again, why would anyone be in a relationship when the heart is not fully there? Why would you give someone the impression that you are with him, when you are thinking of another? It just smells of dishonesty, and as I told him, it hurts to be that person...

It has not escaped me that it is almost one year since the beginning of the breakdown of our short-lived relationship and eventual break-up. It all began with a concert he went to with the guy at around this time last year, and the rest is history.

One year on, and my ex is still as confused, still so distraught and troubled by the same issues. "Life/ love can be so simple", I wrote him. I don't understand what it is that is making him make things so complicated. And with time, if there are issues unsaid, issues undealt with, things will get even more complicated. Sometimes it's just a matter of letting go. Let go, or else you'll lose every thing.

He told me there is one line that he hears inside his head over and over again. A line from one of my favourite songs:

"Afraid to confess what I'm feeling,
Frightened you'll slip away.
You must love me...
You must love me..."

With all this confusion, and the same mess as a year ago still weighing down on my ex and me, honesty be told "Frightened, I'll slip away."

Lost love

"Child, why are you crying?"

"Because I lost my love..."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes, I do. Very much..."

"Does he love you?"

"He did. But not any more..."

"Child, he should be the one crying. He is the one who lost someone who loves him. You only lost someone who doesn't love you..."



I don't know why I suddenly miss my ex so much... Perhaps too much, considering the above.