Dashed dream

It was supposed to be along anticipated dream come true. I was felt so alive yesterday, and that first hour or so I got on the bike today. But truly, the pain is unbearable and unlike any I've experienced before...

I went to a specialist pharmacist and explained my problem. He told me to stop my biking plans and to really rest, or otherwise the injury might get even more severe than it already is, for the more I bike on the more strained my muscles around the knee will be.

Perhaps it is difficult to imagine how devastating this news is to me. I have been really planning this, been looking forward to it, believing and telling myself (and others...) again and again that I can do this. But my body cannot... Simply cannot... My body is too weak and I am too weak to do something like this...

Maybe as my brother said, I biked too far and for too long on the very first day. And this after not having exercised for a long time... But still, the disappointment is great, for I had this entire journey planned out, and was all prepared and imagining the beautiful things I would experience and see. The pharmacist (and also the bike shop owner) told me I should really rest and not over-do it...

This was a dream, a personal dream, and a promise to my mum. In fact, I have a "bit of her" with me, symbolically in the form of ash from the incense we offered her those two weeks from her passing to her cremation. And I feel I've let her down, and let myself down...

I need to rest, I know that. I need to train better and prepare myself better for such a strenuous trip. And I know I may most likely have to give up this dream, at least for the time being... (or for ever? I'm not sure...)

But it hurts and is so devastating... Because I placed so much of my hopes and dreams on this very journey...

Misfortunes

29072012.1542



This is turning to be a terrible trip.
Perhaps I expected far too much, and so can only be disappointed...

First my knee became terribly sore (better now, but still unable to walk, let alone bike, long distances...). Then as I planned to take the bike on the train further southward, to the hometown of my parents, I was refused entry to the train-- for a reason I do not understand, because last time it was fine and no questions were asked! And now the weather is changing, and a terrible typhoon is approaching closer and closer, with torrential rain and strong winds expected...

So I'm limping when I walk, my morale and spirit is wounded, and making my way to the train station to take the train (or bus... It's terribly crowded and the height of the summer holidays). Not what I planned at all... But is anything ever as planned?

I just want to get away, to go somewhere where I can be myself and stop pretending, stop smiling and keeping up appearances. I just want to spend time alone or with someone dear so that can pour my heart out... Because it's so tiring to carry a heavy heart around and so tiring to mourn without really crying...

But life cannot always be what you want it to be. You cannot get what you want, and will just have to make peace with that...

Beset by dreams

Took a little nap in the morning, just after talking to my ex for a little while. As always, it feels nice to talk to him, to joke and talk like we've always managed to.

I fell asleep, but was disturbed by a number of dreams, of which i can only remember one, the last one.

I was traveling with my ex (who is my boyfriend in the dream) somewhere most likely in Vancouver or thereabouts. We checked into a hotel room, and I was busy unpacking and getting ready to go out. I prepared a number of little surprises for him, and headed out the door.

I saw him the corridor. He was shocked to see me, shocked and speechless. I turned around, and there was the other boy. I've never me him in real life, and in the dream it was the first time we met. He too looked shocked. it was clear they were prepared to go out together, but were caught in the act by me.

Momentarily I was calm, and extended my hand to introduce myself. My ex just stood there, frozen and speechless. The boy, looking so awkward around the corridor, did not say anything either.

"No need to say anything..." I said, smiling. But deep down inside, my heart was shattering from the deepest feeling betrayal I have ever experienced. I turned and walked away, did not look at my ex. I was hurting so bad, so terribly bad.

"Enjoy yourselves," i said bitterly. And I turned to walk away....

Yul-YVR

100612.1015 YVR time

I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...

I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.

How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.

But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?

Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?

How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained?  How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.

But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.

As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?

I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...

There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...

Leaving

We can have fun, we can enjoy each others company, we can lie next to one another, and yet there is always one thing between us. My ex is torn and conflicted.

The fragility of our 'relationship' was again unveiled last night, on the eve of my departure, when after a nice evening out, we came home and he said he needed to make a phone call. I went to take a shower. When I came out of the shower, he sat there and had this anxious look on his face.

I can imagine how he must be feeling. Having to pretend, having to perhaps lie and hide on the phone to his boyfriend, and having to face me. The awkwardness was not just felt by me. He felt it too.

He asked me what I was thinking. And i told him it's not nice to have a good few days and suddenly he has to go off and call. It just feels all too much like three years ago, when he was interested in me, interested in starting something with me, and yet still cannot get the courage to break it off with his ex.

He turned around and told me to take some responsibility. I should have foreseen this, I should have known how difficult it is for him to be spending time with me while he is still officially with someone else.

I take responsibility for visiting him, for lying next to him, for sleeping with him. But I will not take responsibility for the situation he is in. He knew already back at the end of February how he feels, truly feels, about me. He declared his feelings for me, he said he did not have want he wanted or needed. I distanced myself from him purposely to give him time and space to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, but it was not enough apparently. He said it was unfair of me to just suddenly drop a postcard and "summon" him to meet at a place and at a time (I thought otherwise... I thought it was romantic and so very special...) He said it's unfair of me to ignore him for so long and not to say explicitly what I want. But is it not clear what i want when the last two weekends I have taken the effort to drop everything and just go and see him?

He wants me to take responsibility, to talk to him and somehow be involved with his breakup (if that is truly what he wants). His reasoning is because he's doing this to be with me.

But truly, I fail to see what role I can play in a relationship he started on his own, a relationship I've tried so hard not to intervene in or get in the way of. He just does not want to feel guilty or take the full responsibility for having to break someone's heart. He just does not have the guts to open his mouth and break up, and he asks me to be there to support him.

In what capacity I don't know. How can I be there and talk to him about what he should do, when he could one day turn back and say to me "I did this all for you! You forced me into breaking up! You were telling me all these things!"?

This entire episode is very telling o what kind of a person my ex is, and it does nothing to quell my doubts and fears about getting back together with him. I sometimes really get the feeling he just does not want to face things, avoids them and wants people to be there to hold and comfort him, when really a lot of things are his own doing. He chose to breakup with me. He chose to start a relationship. He knew fully well a few months into the relationship, and perhaps even before the relationship, things would not work out in the long run. And yet he's not strong enough to let it go, to put an end to things. He's still making the other person believe there is something there, when at the same time making me believe there is a possible future.

There can be no future if he cannot deal with this very issue on his own. There cannot be a future if he cannot have a clean break from the past and really feels ready to move on.

Everything is in his hands now, as I said to him. But he seems to want to take my hand and hold it while he makes up his mind and gathers up his courage...

Fresh start?

Just as I thought it would be a fresh start, just as we're headed out to dinner, my ex says he has to call. To "report in" I guess.

Five minutes, he said, and told me to go ahead and wait and the restaurant. It's been over ten.

How did I get myself into this position again? How did I fall for the same guy who is already involved with another person? It feels like three years ago, when my ex had to "report in" to his ex back then, and had to sneak around and hide things, even though he was with me and having fun with me...

Sitting alone in the restaurant, waiting and waiting for him to show. I could jut leave, I should just leave. Around me are couples in love, couples holding one another's hands. I can't even comfortably do that with my ex...

How did I get myself into this? Why do I get myself into this? Do I never learn how humiliating and uncomfortable it is to be the "other person"?

Lament

I am just trying to find a way in life,
I am just trying to deal with unexpected hurdles thrown at me and trying to make the most of things...

And yet it is just setback after setback, obstacle after obstacle, heartbreak and pain after disappointments and frustrations.
Nothing ever goes according to plan,
Nothing ever is simple.

This is life.

Disturbance

After a period of relative calm, I became agitated and disturbed again.

Saw a good friend and we chatted for a good long while. I was disjointed and lost when he asked about my mum, but he was understanding and compassionate, as always and offered invaluable support and reassurance.

The topic turned to my ex, and slowly bit by bit pieces of information were revealed. True to my suspicions, my ex seems to be still involved with his boyfriend... He still hasn't let go, he still seems to be clinging on and wanting to have two people  at the same time. From nowhere, the irritation and sense of betrayal rose. To think, after his declaration of love for me just after my birthday, after his various attempts to reach me, it seems to be just a show. And I'm beginning to suspect that the reason why he did not manage to meet me in NYC last weekend was not entirely because he was too busy. I suspect he had his hesitations. Of course, I still have to hear from his side of the story... but can I truly trust what he tells me? He can tell me a few months ago that he loves me so and misses me so much, and yet still stay in a relationship with someone. How honest is that? Why would anyone do that at all?

 He's still confused and conflicted, still unwilling to let go, and still trying to cling onto me. I should know better than fall into that trap again.

I deserve more than this. I deserve someone who will be there for me fully. I know this, and this guy I met when I was out in Vancouver last week also told me this. In fact, everyone tells me this.

I have a feeling now my ex needs me more than I need him. I will give him one last chance to explain himself, to say what he has to say. But if nothing changes, if he is still drowning in that mess of indecisiveness and still caught between feelings for two people, I will just move on. As he told me to move on several months ago.

Where there is a will...

There is a wei.

A few weeks ago an idea popped into my head. I remember I was in the hospital, with mum, who lay there asleep. My mind drifted to images of someone, who throughout my difficult moments, and moments of pain and despair seems to have the ability to lift me up-- even if we have not talked for a long, long time. In my moments of despair, hopelessness, my mind somehow, wrongly or rightly, drifts to my ex...

I fantasised about us meeting again, how special that would be after all this time. Even more special after he told me, explicitly and implicitly, how much he misses me, how important I seem to be in his life.

He once told me about a dream of his, and that is to walk on the Brooklyn Bridge with the person he truly loves. My mind put that knowledge with the longing to see him again in a special setting. So I wrote him a card, told him where I'd be and when, and said if he truly feels what he tells me, perhaps we could meet there on Brooklyn Bridge.

It seemed like a simple plan. A beautiful and wonderfully romantic idea. Two people, who obviously have feelings for one another, who obviously miss one another so much, and who know deep down there is still some potential in developing something special and something lasting, meeting at a most romantic setting at a most romantic time (dusk). "Perhaps it could be a new dawn..." I wrote him.

At first he told me he'd like to be there, he can be there. This was a week ago. I fantasised about our meeting. I dreamed and smiled just at the thought of seeing him again on the bridge that is so meaningful to him.

A few days ago he wrote me and said the timing is bad, for he needs to arrange to move things out of his old apartment. I was disappointed, yet I still clung onto hope of perhaps being able to see him...

Now, right now, the original plan is supposed to fall into place. At this very moment, at dusk, on Brooklyn Bridge, on the Brooklyn side. In my fantasies, I would stand on the bridge, stare out at the skyline of Manhattan. And suddenly out of nowhere he would find me and call out my name... We would look into one another's eyes, we would hug. I would kiss him. I would whisper softly in his ears: "I've missed you so much..."

But now, at this very moment, I am in a small-town in NJ. He is in Montreal (I believe). He told me there are no available flights. Hotels are prohibitively expensive (I agree). He tells me he is very apologetic he cannot be (t)here with me. And he offers me other places and opportunities to meet. But I am not interested.

How disappointed I truly am. All those moments I imagined him being my source of comfort and support, and now it's just a great letdown. I cannot and should not be too harsh on him. I cannot know how tired my ex is from his work and having to deal with the stress of moving over the weekend. I cannot imagine what he is thinking, what he is truly feeling, and whether he truly means what he says.

But where there is a will, there is a Wei, right? What would you do to prove to someone how much they mean to you? What extremes would you go to to show sincerity in your word and what you really mean when you tell someone you love him and have always loved him? I know what I would do. I know I would find a way, journey through the night if I must. Just spend an hour with that special someone, if it comes to that. But I would be there. I would seize the chance I have been given again, and prove I am true to my word, true to my heart...

I am here, in NJ. I will be in NYC tomorrow, on the bridge in the afternoon (2-4) just before my flight in the evening.

Even if I am alone, I owe it to myself to fulfil my dream of standing on the bridge and admiring the manhattan skyline. Even if alone, I can dream of one day standing there with the one true person who loves me , who would go the extremes and lengths to show his care and love for me. Even if I am alone, I can do something terribly romantic and beautiful too. (well, I won't be alone, for my stuffed animals would be with me...)

Noodles

All I asked him to do is go to the market, buy some Longevity Noodles and cook some for mum for her birthday. It takes a total of half an hour or so.

"I have a kid to take care of!"

I asked him why it's so much effort, why he's making an issue out of something so small. It's not even a favour for me. It's a surprise for mum's (lunar calendar) birthday. Isn't it rare and so special that we happen to be here, all of us? And what effort does it take to make a little trip to the market and to wait five minutes for the noodles to boil?

Apparently it's too much trouble.

"I'll do it myself..." I said. Even though I was still outside, in another town and paying respects to dad... I guess if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

Rain...

I waited and waited for a time to take my bike out. Waited and waited for my brother and his family to come home, so I could leave mum at the hospital with relative ease.

Tomorrow, I had planned to do the furthest trip I've yet to make on the bike, to Jinshan, to dad's resting place and pay homage to him before I leave.

But it began to pour today, heavily. Beginning of the rain season, which will last for over a week...

Nothing is going according to plan. All my plans are soaked...

Dream

Another dream with my ex in it... For some reason I cannot explain, in my darkest moments filled with fear and anxiety, my mind drifts to him. But a part of me keeps on reminding myself: "He's moved on already! He's with someone else already! Forget about him! Remember what other people have told you!"

In the dream I was biking in the countryside, full of longing to go to this cabin. I suspect it's the same place where my ex and I, for two years in a row, biked to for charity. When I got there there were a lot of people, all bikers, all new faces, some of them very good looking and were trying to make conversation with me. But I was not really interested. All I thought of and asked for was my ex. Full of expectations and longing, I waited and waited for him for a while.

He showed up at one point. We spoke. I was so glad to see him. But he was cool and distant. I asked him what's wrong.

"I told you, I have someone already! Move on!" And he disappeared and left me standing there...

Dream

Sometime ago, just after my birthday, my ex wrote to me saying how much he loves me, has always loved me, and hinting he would like to be with me. Losing me would cause him great regret. And yet as far as I know, he's in a relationship, which started and got even more heated as soon as I left...

In my dream, I saw him again after so many months of separation. I went to see him, with a heart full of hope, with so much longing to rekindle what passion there was between us.

Yet he turned to me and said: " I've already moved on!" How heartbroken, again, I felt. He tells me one thing, gets my hopes up, and then when I am not around, is doing another. How could I trust him? How can I believe his word?  So it was all a ruse. A plan to get to me, and I fell for it...

How hurt I was in the dream, which woke me up at two in the morning.



How close to reality is my dream? I don't know, but I am so very afraid...

Disappointment...

I was not amused by my cousin's comments.

Earlier in the day, my cousin told me about seeing so many gay people holding hands on valentines day at Danshui, a romantic place close to the sea that attracts a lot of couples. "I can't stand two guys holding hands," she said. I told her gay people are people too, people who long for love and affection like everyone else. "You know, gay people are everywhere..."

Later that night, I went home, and saw on her facebook that she had written "I cannot accept gay people as friends". In English even. I was really upset.

I've been spending hours tutoring her English, because she's about to take a proficiency test. And she's been spending a lot of time with me because she's facing the breakup of her four year relationship. I've really there to comfort her and help her in any way I can. And yet this is her opinion of gays.

So I confronted her. I asked her out one night and we went to a local bar, the first time I've been in such a place for months. We ordered drinks and I began by saying how unhappy I am about her comments.

"Remember I told you gay people are everywhere?"

It took a little while, but she got the message. "You? You are..." There was surprise and disbelief in her eyes and voice.

"I told you, gay people are everywhere." I explained how hurtful her words were, and she said she just cannot stand to see two guys being intimate. Strangely, two girls is alright because my cousin went to an all girls school.

She wasn't understanding the point. This is the twenty-first century, and she's a medical nurse, how can she openly discriminate gay people like that. I told her about homophobia overseas, anti-gay sentiments and even hate crimes in supposedly progressive societies of America and Europe. Though those extreme forms of discrimination and violence against gays are unheard of here in this country, gays still have a hard time coming out and finding acceptance in society. "You probably have gay friends but you just don't know it," I said.

My cousin took a big gulp of her beer, and ordered another. For moments she was just speechless. "You are gay? Since since when did you know?"

I asked her the same question back. I don't fit at all into that stereotype of the "typical" gay. I'm just the way and the person I am, and I am comfortable being who I am. I have no need to wear fancy clothes or carry branded things around just to prove how much of a fashionista I am. I have no need to be flamboyant and act overly feminine to to prove I am queer and I am here. I have dreams and aspirations, I hurt and I love like everyone else. I am a guy who likes guys "So what? What does that matter? How does that even influence my relationship with you?"

My cousin calmed down a bit and was apologetic about her comments earlier. Yet, the damage has been done, and I am deeply disappointed in my cousin. All the ways I've tried to help her, and even thinking of helping her financially to go travel and to go see me in Canada, and deep down this is the person my cousin is... If there is one thing I am firn on it is if you don't like an important aspect of me and of who I am, then I see very little point of continuing our relationship. I just feel I have more to gain than lose if I do not have such a person in my life... And with everyone I meet I am, for the most part, honest and true. I have no regrets if I am to lose someone because of opinion differences. Perhaps the other will have more to regret, but that is not my concern...

I've explained to her my feelings, and it's up to her to show some initiative in maintaining our relationship.

What do you want me to do?

"What do you want me to do? I can't do anything."

I just wanted to talk, just hoped I could talk to someone who  could listen to me. Never once has my brother asked me how I'm coping, whether I need some support or comforting. Never did he ask about those first few days and weeks at the hospital, how terribly tiring and draining it was, or whether I needed help taking care of mum. It's as if it's my job, my sole duty, as if I don't have a life,  as if I don't have dreams and wishes I would like to fulfill.

Did I not have plans to start working and start preparing for my exams? Do I not long for some semblance of stability and calm in my life, something I've so craved for for four long years (or longer)? His response to my attempt to talk about mum's worsening health condition sounded like I'm causing him trouble.  "What do you want me to say? There nothing I can do." He was using his computer as he said that.

By this time next week, he will be long gone. And I will be here all alone to face all this, to shoulder the responsibility for mum's life and health. Will he see her again after he boards that plane in few days? Who will clean up the mess every-time mum throws up? Who will do the cooking and try to make sure she does not lose several kilograms again? Who will hold her hand, touch her shoulder and look her in the eye and tell her not to be afraid...?

I know my brother cannot do anything. I can imagine he is hemmed in and has a family to provide for, and that he has his own worries and needs to take care of. He has a family, a wife and a child, a mortgage and is  financially tied down.  But just a kind word, just something along the lines of "I appreciate what you're doing.." or "Hang on there..." is enough. But maybe it's too much too ask for.

"Mum is very, very lonely. And she's very depressed. She's often told me she wants to give it all up. That's why I ask you to contact her as often as possible..." I barely reminded my brother our mum doesn't have much time left... Somethings are known, and need not be said. And he knows it. My brother told me how very busy he is at work and cannot call. I do not doubt he is busy. But... "Not even five minutes of your break to call?" Then he said using skype via 3G has connection issues and bad reception. But I often call using 3G Internet, and it seems to work well...

He looked irritated at what I was saying. Perhaps deep down, he is feeling remorse and regret already that he's not done so much for mum... Perhaps he wishes deep down he could do much more and fulfill his duties as a filial and caring son... But I cannot know what he thinking. Perhaps the calm and nonchalance are but a facade masking his real pain and real feelings. 

I went to bed already... In my mind again is the sense of disbelieve and frustration, the latter accentuated by my own brother's complacency to it all... Perhaps it is his way of coping, of shielding himself away from harm an unhappiness and shielding himself from remorse... But I just wish one day he will wake up and realise it's not too late, and to be more  flexible and accepting if change and circumstances...

But brother is the  way he is...