Terrible sadness

250812.0223
There are going to be moments when I lie down to sleep and suddenly, in the midst of the silence of the might, in the absence of voices save for the voice inside my head, the terrible, terrible sadness hits me hard. "All alone... You are all alone now in the world... Nobody can hear you, nobody can hear your pain..."

Tonight is one of those nights. One of perhaps many, many nights to come...

Lament

I am just trying to find a way in life,
I am just trying to deal with unexpected hurdles thrown at me and trying to make the most of things...

And yet it is just setback after setback, obstacle after obstacle, heartbreak and pain after disappointments and frustrations.
Nothing ever goes according to plan,
Nothing ever is simple.

This is life.

Meeting her grandson

07012012
10.32

I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.

I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...

What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.

This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.

22.54

Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.

Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?

Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.

My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.

I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her  when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.

To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...

I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting  him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.

Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...

Day eight

05012012
7.37

Dream... Why am I so tormented by dreams and thoughts? I am already so physically exhausted, and yet when I lie down to sleep, dreams plague my mind...

A myriad of images and random people in my life... With my brother on a bus heading back to Taipei from somewhere, the landscape outside seemed barren an deserted... With my ex and two other friend's (faceless, not recognisable...) and checking into a youth hostel. The mood was so tense, and I was made to feel like I'd done something terribly wrong... I was made to feel so guilty, even though it was (whatever it was) not my fault...

I wake up, and it is already morning. Half past seven, the hospital ward is waking up, people are moving about in the corridor, the cleaner is here to pick up rubbish... I open my eyes, realise it was a a dream, and take a few moments to allow the place where I am to sink in...

I am in hospital still, sleeping next to mum on a tiny bed/chair, and my back is aching, my head is hurting. I lift my her, and see mum smile at me, softly tell me: "Thank you for being here for me..."

Those words fill me with warmth, with hope, with gratitude that my dear, brave mother is here to fight and live for another moment, another day.

And how fortunate I am, despite the aches, the discomfort and at times irritation of having to take care of not only her wellbeing and health but also care for my own health and wellbeing, I am with her, and she is with me still...

18.37
Day two of mum rehabilitation. There is a class in the morning, aimed at training the strength of her arms and legs and basic coordination. In the afternoon, from two thirty till around three thirty, four o'clock, there are exercises to help her stabilise her walking, train her leg muscles and general endurance.

It is not easy, as mum is still a bit wobbly and unstable when she walks. She sighed and told me today how quickly from one day to the next she could lose so much of her ability to walk. But I encouraged her, at other people's expense, yes, and told her that her condition is much better than others... Those who are completely wheelchair-bound, those who have lost almost all mobility of their legs and arms and hands... Those who must endure so much pain just trying to sit up straight, let alone stand or walk...

One exercise involves mum using chopsticks to pick up marbles and place them from one bowl to another. Another exercise involves mum using her foot to shift beads from one side of what looks like a child's for learning how to count.

The physiotherapists who instruct mum are amazed by her progress and ability to do many of the exercises with speed and accuracy. I can see mum struggles and strives hard, I can see it from the beads of sweat on her forehead, from the way she pants and gets out of breath. Mum is really trying, trying very hard to walk and stand steady again. As my aunt told me, she is strong, she is doing it so that we, the children, can see her progress and recover quickly and soon feel that it is alright to leave her and go do what we have to do. My aunt tells me, deep down mum feels responsible and guilty to have to become dependent on me, and she would like to quickly recover so I can go back to my life. And I suspect, mum is striving hard, pushing herself so that when she sees her grandson for the first time, can garner strength to hold him, rock him in her arms...

It is amazing what mum can do, what mum can set herself to do within such a short period of time... Her courage, her strength, her determination to get better, to not be beaten is admirable. And I am so proud, so very touched that she is my mother, and that I am her son...

Disgusting

He told me my behaviour in recent weeks disgusts him, that at times he cannot  even bare to see me or my face. Yes, I've become extremely bitter in the past few weeks, especially ever since my return from Taiwan in October, when a day later he went off on a trip with the "guy he's seeing".

My ex told me a few weeks ago not to think too much, not to worry, to have patience. Nothing serious is going on between him and the guy he's seeing, he told me. What he said made me feel like he would at any moment turn around and say "i want to be with you". The flirtatious comments, the sleeping next to one another, the intimate moments now and then only added to that feeling.

Last night, he slept over at my place, and come morning the mood soured when he said he'd be seeing the guy he's seeing.

How can he do this and not feel at all conflicted? How can he one night lie next to me and want to have warm, beautiful hugs when the next night most likely he'll do the same with another boy? How can anybody not feel at all torn inside? Sure, I caused this, and that's what my ex will tell me when I ask him. I caused this mess, and I am very sorry for it... But at times, especially when my ex told me to have patience, to not worry, it's as if he's trying to hang onto me while he goes and tries to see if things will work out with this guy he's seeing.



I don't blame him, but myself for being so foolish, for being so silly and ignoring my friends' warnings to stay away from my ex and to avoid getting hurt.

He tells me my behaviour over the past few weeks have made it more and more difficult to like me, and has cast doubt on his mind on getting back together with me.

I agree... I have been a vile and disgusting creature, driven by jealousy, possessiveness (even though I don't own him at all, even though I have no control over his heart and his mind...). I have descended to such vile depths to taken a little man from his apartment, an incident that caused him much distress and later disappointment... What have I become? How has this entire episode, the lingering relationship and tattered friendship between my friend and I  turned me into a monster driven by bitterness and frustration? I have only myself to blame, and I look at myself and feel vile and disgusted, ugly and unlovable...

I know I caused all the mess, I know I cannot lament anyone, for we could have had it all were it not for my holding back and hesitations. And the past few weeks, my feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and frustration are pointing to one thing... He's not worth it. He's not worth me beating myself up and feeling so poorly about myself when in the background is mum's ailing condition (and today sudden disappearance...). He has been there to support me, to hold me and to make me strong when I most need someone... But now he just somehow makes me feel weaker, more scattered and mote insecure about myself than ever before. Before he was a source of strength, now he's somehow become a drain on my energy and happiness... And it's so sad, so very sad to see that happening, to see us, best friends, descend and slide seemingly to distant friends who because of the feuds and unresolved issues, are becoming more and more distant.

It's me, it's not him. I care about him still deeply, perhaps too much, and I want him to be happy. But more and more, through our arguments, my sudden turns of "bitch*ness" as he terms it, my lashing out, feelings of bitterness and frustrations are irritating my mind and senses, taking over my thoughts and waking moments....

And it is so ugly, so very, very ugly to be and feel this way...
I can hardly recall when I have ever felt so ugly and deflated...

Breakdown

Breakdown


How did we get to this? All he wanted was offer me dinner on the eve of my thesis submission. But I rejected him. I said no because I don't want to have anything to do with him.

And yet I bring him fruits and make him fresh lemon juice when he's I'll... And yet I comfort him because his granny's health has deteriorated over the past few days. I can give him myself, offer to do things for him, but I don't accept him trying to help me.

What's wrong with me? All he wants to be is a friend, what we've always been, regardless of whether we're together or not. But I can't even do that. It seems as if I'm deliberately spoiling our friendship, or the remnants of it. For whose sake? I want to say it's for his sake, so that he can move away and resolve me... But he turned it around and told me, perhaps rightly so, that I'm doing this for myself because it's easier to just walk away and drop everything...

Perhaps that is true. I don't know. I'm just so confused and hurt. By myself, angry at myself. Hurt seeing that again I've made the one person I care about so much cry and cry and be disgusted with me. I don't want to hurt him... I want to hold him, reassure him that no matter what, even if we're apart, even if he's found the love of his life and genuine happiness, I can be there for him still as a friend, as a best friend.

Can I do that? Can I do that with no ill feelings, with no anger or jealousy, without harking back to how I make myself feel like he's abandoned me and left me for another? I don't know...

I'm so confused, so frustrated with myself. So angry at myself for making my ex, my friend, cry and cry. I'm so angry at myself for (deliberately?) wanting to ruin a perfectly beautiful friendship because I can't get the intimacy and romance I want...