I went home today in the morning, and even before I opened the door, i heard some shouting. Later I found out what.
The source of the conflict is mum's farewell ceremony (as it is know in Taiwan, in other words the funeral). It'll be held at the funeral parlor, which is a large site run by the city government containing several halls where funeral services can be held. If it is like how dad's funeral was arranged, we will be given a time slot, after which the body will be taken to the crematorium and cremated. Last time it was easy, because it was just adults. But this time, we have a little baby.
First of all, my nephew is getting more capricious and difficult to handle. He really cannot sit still for more than five minutes without whining or crying, so it's really not appropriate for him to be present at the funeral. Second of all, in local beliefs, very young children are supposed to be more 'sensitive' to the supernatural, and tend to also be more susceptible to 'interference' by spirits. It is not so much mum's spirit we are afraid of, but rather the spirits of others who are lingering around the place. And god only knows how many there are, especially at a crematorium!
My sister-in-law resolutely opposes taking my nephew to the funeral, mainly because she is afraid of how it will affect the baby. Brother said that ever since my nephew came back to Taipei to stay with us, he has been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night crying. Is it related to what he sees at the hospital when he visits mum? Who knows. Whatever the reason, my sister-in-law does not want the baby to be there. She can be there, and she will be there, but just not the baby...
But this may contravene some Taiwanese traditions, for the funeral is the final "farewell ceremony", and all the children and grandchildren are supposed to be there. It may even be seen as bad omen if the grandchildren are not there, for it may forespell bad fortunes for future generations to come. Whether this is superstition or myth, the absence of my nephew at the event may trigger some talk amongst family members...
So that was the argument, and while brother and I went to look for a place to place mum's temporary shine in the morning, my sister-in-law came to see mum and told her about her worries about my nephew. She somehow went home and ended up crying, I'm not sure what about or why. All I know is this issue is a strain on my brother and his wife's relationship.
I told brother over dinner to talk things through with her, and to try to find a compromise. "Be kind and gentle, don't force things," I told him. It's bad enough there have been tensions because of brother's bad temper these days, we don't need him to come across as unsympathetic and trying to force something his wife does not feel comfortable doing. Later, brother revealed to me that he himself is not too keen on the idea of taking his baby boy to the funeral parlor. "You remember that day when dad was cremated and when we had to pick his bones?" He was referring to a Taiwanese tradition, whereby the next of kin remaining are expected to pick up a piece of the bone of the deceased and place it into the urn. "Such a cruel tradition! I still have dreams about that till this day..." brother said. It is obvious that some of the traditions here offend him and he is uncomfortable himself, let alone have his very young boy exposed to a lot of things...
In the meantime, I spoke to mum again and explained the situation. Somehow, I seem to be able to get her attention and understanding, and mum did not feel offended or angry any more. Her initial response was that she did not wish my sister-in-law to be at the funeral, which would have been a terrible indictment and cause considerable strain on their marriage (I would imagine....). But after I explained and tried to give mum all angles to the story, she softened and said she would not mind if the grandchild/my nephew were not there on that day. "He will go visit you in your resting place, that is for sure," I assured mum, "But it's just not convenient for him to be at the funeral. You see how noisy and unruly he can become, even just at the hospital!"
So for now, a crisis seems to have been averted. And I am glad I was able to play a role in lubricating the wheels and playing the peacemaker....
Showing posts with label brother and sister-in-law. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brother and sister-in-law. Show all posts
19 June 2012
15 April 2012
Disappointing?
I got a phone call from my aunt asking about how long my brother was at the hospital yesterday. Why is that an issue? Mum said he only visited briefly, and left in the evening, whereas I stayed the night to be with her. Why is this even an issue?
Because mum and my aunt feel my brother and my sister-in-law should be doing more. Now that they are back, they should relieve me and give me time to rest and time to study or do what I would like to do. I feared that there would be grumblings, as even before they returned, mum on several occasions scoffed at the fact that they are coming back to "take care of her". She scoffed, because in the past, they did very little for her or to make her comfortable when she visited them in Europe. So she is not really receptive of the fact that they have come back here, even though I told her that she must give them a chance. "Do you want [brother] to live the rest of his life with regret?" I told her many times. Meaning, if he never had the chance to spend time with her and 'take care' of her, then he may feel such pain and regret should mum pass away.
I stayed behind last night because brother just returned from Europe and is still suffering jetlag. In a few days, when he is better, he can spend some nights at the hospital if it is necessary. Besides, he has a kid to take care of, so people really cannot expect everything of him.
In the coming days, I will slowly back off from caretaking and allow my brother and sister-in-law to take over. I told mum already not to expect anything, and not to compare. Without sounding pompous or anything, I know I do a lot for mum and a lot of what I do brother probably is not sensitive or caring enough to do. But I told mum that does not matter. We are different people, and he care show his care and affection in his own way. There are things that he can give mum that I cannot. "He gave you a grandchild. Look at the way you smile when you see your grandchild!" I know I cannot give mum that, at least not immediately. But my brother can give her that, and that is his greatest contribution.
So today when they brought food to the hospital for lunch, I stayed home. I do not need to be there. They can go and figure things out for themselves, and hopefully dispel talk of being useless and disappointing. They need their time alone. And I need time alone too...
Because mum and my aunt feel my brother and my sister-in-law should be doing more. Now that they are back, they should relieve me and give me time to rest and time to study or do what I would like to do. I feared that there would be grumblings, as even before they returned, mum on several occasions scoffed at the fact that they are coming back to "take care of her". She scoffed, because in the past, they did very little for her or to make her comfortable when she visited them in Europe. So she is not really receptive of the fact that they have come back here, even though I told her that she must give them a chance. "Do you want [brother] to live the rest of his life with regret?" I told her many times. Meaning, if he never had the chance to spend time with her and 'take care' of her, then he may feel such pain and regret should mum pass away.
I stayed behind last night because brother just returned from Europe and is still suffering jetlag. In a few days, when he is better, he can spend some nights at the hospital if it is necessary. Besides, he has a kid to take care of, so people really cannot expect everything of him.
In the coming days, I will slowly back off from caretaking and allow my brother and sister-in-law to take over. I told mum already not to expect anything, and not to compare. Without sounding pompous or anything, I know I do a lot for mum and a lot of what I do brother probably is not sensitive or caring enough to do. But I told mum that does not matter. We are different people, and he care show his care and affection in his own way. There are things that he can give mum that I cannot. "He gave you a grandchild. Look at the way you smile when you see your grandchild!" I know I cannot give mum that, at least not immediately. But my brother can give her that, and that is his greatest contribution.
So today when they brought food to the hospital for lunch, I stayed home. I do not need to be there. They can go and figure things out for themselves, and hopefully dispel talk of being useless and disappointing. They need their time alone. And I need time alone too...
07 January 2012
Meeting her grandson
07012012
10.32
I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.
I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...
What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.
This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.
22.54
Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.
Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?
Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.
My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.
I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.
To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...
I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.
Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...
10.32
I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.
I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...
What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.
This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.
22.54
Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.
Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?
Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.
My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.
I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.
To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...
I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.
Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...
02 January 2012
Plan
Plan
Again my mind is hatching a plan, a devious but special one. Soon it'll be the one year wedding anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law. And I'd like to give them something very special.
They've not really had a honeymoon since they got married because of circumstances. So what better gift than a trip?
Eva Air recently unveiled its second generation of Hello Kitty jets with flights to Japan (and to South Korea, Hong Kong and Guam). As my sister-in-law is a diehard Hello Kitty fan, and my brother has never been to tokyo, I thought it would be great anniversary gift. So I approached my sister-in-law's brother (whom I suspect is a homosexual...) and proposed the idea. He thought it is great and we'll figure something out with regard to the logistics, especially how to keep it a surprise and how to arrange for a baby-sitter for a few days...
I'm surprised I can even think of this kind of pleasant surprises with what I am facing almost constantly at the hospital. Or perhaps it is because of the difficulties and unpleasantness of what I am facing that I am devising 'pleasant' things to distract my mine...?
I'm imagining their surprise when they are handed the plane tickets... I'm imagining my sister-in-lwa's excitement as she boards the exclusive Hello Kitty plane (all the decor, the seats, the personal entertainment system, the plates an cutlery are all marked with Hello Kitty!!)... I'm imagining them having some quality alone and relief time together, perhaps the first real opportunity since my nephew was born...
Another mission to be completed, another pleasant surprise to spring upon someone close. How great if it all works out!
Again my mind is hatching a plan, a devious but special one. Soon it'll be the one year wedding anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law. And I'd like to give them something very special.
They've not really had a honeymoon since they got married because of circumstances. So what better gift than a trip?
Eva Air recently unveiled its second generation of Hello Kitty jets with flights to Japan (and to South Korea, Hong Kong and Guam). As my sister-in-law is a diehard Hello Kitty fan, and my brother has never been to tokyo, I thought it would be great anniversary gift. So I approached my sister-in-law's brother (whom I suspect is a homosexual...) and proposed the idea. He thought it is great and we'll figure something out with regard to the logistics, especially how to keep it a surprise and how to arrange for a baby-sitter for a few days...
I'm surprised I can even think of this kind of pleasant surprises with what I am facing almost constantly at the hospital. Or perhaps it is because of the difficulties and unpleasantness of what I am facing that I am devising 'pleasant' things to distract my mine...?
I'm imagining their surprise when they are handed the plane tickets... I'm imagining my sister-in-lwa's excitement as she boards the exclusive Hello Kitty plane (all the decor, the seats, the personal entertainment system, the plates an cutlery are all marked with Hello Kitty!!)... I'm imagining them having some quality alone and relief time together, perhaps the first real opportunity since my nephew was born...
Another mission to be completed, another pleasant surprise to spring upon someone close. How great if it all works out!
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