200812.2104
He began walking by himself over the past week or so. A few steps at a a time, and if the distance is a bit far between two places, he would cleverly walk toward a wall or a chair to rest a bit before walking further. And today, my nephew walked and walked and walked unaided. Today, 20 August 2012, twelve days before he turns one year old.
He is so energetic, so cute and such a darling. Looking at his smile can melt away any worries and anxieties I may have. My nephew smiles also brings smiles and laughter to my brother, who in his current spell of bad temper desperately needs to lighten up.
I put up mum's portrait on the living room wall, and the living room happens to be the place where my nephew test walks the most. So in a way, his grandma can also see him walk around happily in circles. And in a way, his grandma can smile and laugh too...
Showing posts with label nephew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nephew. Show all posts
20 August 2012
17 August 2012
Nephew
170812.1607
My brother and his wife had to go out for a few hours, and it was just my nephew and I (together with my cousin) left at home. I watched my nephew as he slept on the bed. Mum's bed. Such a small little being, such a small breathing creature that is so beautiful, so fragile, so malleable.
I lay down next to him, and placed my arms around him. He woke up and opened his eyes to look at me. He smiled. My heart melted, and I felt such pain in my chest. Lying on mum's bed, next to my little nephew... Mum lived her life and her life came to a close not so long ago. But my little nephew still has a whole life ahead of him...
the combination of love and longing is an indescribably painful and also heart-warming feeling.
My brother and his wife had to go out for a few hours, and it was just my nephew and I (together with my cousin) left at home. I watched my nephew as he slept on the bed. Mum's bed. Such a small little being, such a small breathing creature that is so beautiful, so fragile, so malleable.
I lay down next to him, and placed my arms around him. He woke up and opened his eyes to look at me. He smiled. My heart melted, and I felt such pain in my chest. Lying on mum's bed, next to my little nephew... Mum lived her life and her life came to a close not so long ago. But my little nephew still has a whole life ahead of him...
the combination of love and longing is an indescribably painful and also heart-warming feeling.
19 June 2012
Conflict
I went home today in the morning, and even before I opened the door, i heard some shouting. Later I found out what.
The source of the conflict is mum's farewell ceremony (as it is know in Taiwan, in other words the funeral). It'll be held at the funeral parlor, which is a large site run by the city government containing several halls where funeral services can be held. If it is like how dad's funeral was arranged, we will be given a time slot, after which the body will be taken to the crematorium and cremated. Last time it was easy, because it was just adults. But this time, we have a little baby.
First of all, my nephew is getting more capricious and difficult to handle. He really cannot sit still for more than five minutes without whining or crying, so it's really not appropriate for him to be present at the funeral. Second of all, in local beliefs, very young children are supposed to be more 'sensitive' to the supernatural, and tend to also be more susceptible to 'interference' by spirits. It is not so much mum's spirit we are afraid of, but rather the spirits of others who are lingering around the place. And god only knows how many there are, especially at a crematorium!
My sister-in-law resolutely opposes taking my nephew to the funeral, mainly because she is afraid of how it will affect the baby. Brother said that ever since my nephew came back to Taipei to stay with us, he has been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night crying. Is it related to what he sees at the hospital when he visits mum? Who knows. Whatever the reason, my sister-in-law does not want the baby to be there. She can be there, and she will be there, but just not the baby...
But this may contravene some Taiwanese traditions, for the funeral is the final "farewell ceremony", and all the children and grandchildren are supposed to be there. It may even be seen as bad omen if the grandchildren are not there, for it may forespell bad fortunes for future generations to come. Whether this is superstition or myth, the absence of my nephew at the event may trigger some talk amongst family members...
So that was the argument, and while brother and I went to look for a place to place mum's temporary shine in the morning, my sister-in-law came to see mum and told her about her worries about my nephew. She somehow went home and ended up crying, I'm not sure what about or why. All I know is this issue is a strain on my brother and his wife's relationship.
I told brother over dinner to talk things through with her, and to try to find a compromise. "Be kind and gentle, don't force things," I told him. It's bad enough there have been tensions because of brother's bad temper these days, we don't need him to come across as unsympathetic and trying to force something his wife does not feel comfortable doing. Later, brother revealed to me that he himself is not too keen on the idea of taking his baby boy to the funeral parlor. "You remember that day when dad was cremated and when we had to pick his bones?" He was referring to a Taiwanese tradition, whereby the next of kin remaining are expected to pick up a piece of the bone of the deceased and place it into the urn. "Such a cruel tradition! I still have dreams about that till this day..." brother said. It is obvious that some of the traditions here offend him and he is uncomfortable himself, let alone have his very young boy exposed to a lot of things...
In the meantime, I spoke to mum again and explained the situation. Somehow, I seem to be able to get her attention and understanding, and mum did not feel offended or angry any more. Her initial response was that she did not wish my sister-in-law to be at the funeral, which would have been a terrible indictment and cause considerable strain on their marriage (I would imagine....). But after I explained and tried to give mum all angles to the story, she softened and said she would not mind if the grandchild/my nephew were not there on that day. "He will go visit you in your resting place, that is for sure," I assured mum, "But it's just not convenient for him to be at the funeral. You see how noisy and unruly he can become, even just at the hospital!"
So for now, a crisis seems to have been averted. And I am glad I was able to play a role in lubricating the wheels and playing the peacemaker....
The source of the conflict is mum's farewell ceremony (as it is know in Taiwan, in other words the funeral). It'll be held at the funeral parlor, which is a large site run by the city government containing several halls where funeral services can be held. If it is like how dad's funeral was arranged, we will be given a time slot, after which the body will be taken to the crematorium and cremated. Last time it was easy, because it was just adults. But this time, we have a little baby.
First of all, my nephew is getting more capricious and difficult to handle. He really cannot sit still for more than five minutes without whining or crying, so it's really not appropriate for him to be present at the funeral. Second of all, in local beliefs, very young children are supposed to be more 'sensitive' to the supernatural, and tend to also be more susceptible to 'interference' by spirits. It is not so much mum's spirit we are afraid of, but rather the spirits of others who are lingering around the place. And god only knows how many there are, especially at a crematorium!
My sister-in-law resolutely opposes taking my nephew to the funeral, mainly because she is afraid of how it will affect the baby. Brother said that ever since my nephew came back to Taipei to stay with us, he has been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night crying. Is it related to what he sees at the hospital when he visits mum? Who knows. Whatever the reason, my sister-in-law does not want the baby to be there. She can be there, and she will be there, but just not the baby...
But this may contravene some Taiwanese traditions, for the funeral is the final "farewell ceremony", and all the children and grandchildren are supposed to be there. It may even be seen as bad omen if the grandchildren are not there, for it may forespell bad fortunes for future generations to come. Whether this is superstition or myth, the absence of my nephew at the event may trigger some talk amongst family members...
So that was the argument, and while brother and I went to look for a place to place mum's temporary shine in the morning, my sister-in-law came to see mum and told her about her worries about my nephew. She somehow went home and ended up crying, I'm not sure what about or why. All I know is this issue is a strain on my brother and his wife's relationship.
I told brother over dinner to talk things through with her, and to try to find a compromise. "Be kind and gentle, don't force things," I told him. It's bad enough there have been tensions because of brother's bad temper these days, we don't need him to come across as unsympathetic and trying to force something his wife does not feel comfortable doing. Later, brother revealed to me that he himself is not too keen on the idea of taking his baby boy to the funeral parlor. "You remember that day when dad was cremated and when we had to pick his bones?" He was referring to a Taiwanese tradition, whereby the next of kin remaining are expected to pick up a piece of the bone of the deceased and place it into the urn. "Such a cruel tradition! I still have dreams about that till this day..." brother said. It is obvious that some of the traditions here offend him and he is uncomfortable himself, let alone have his very young boy exposed to a lot of things...
In the meantime, I spoke to mum again and explained the situation. Somehow, I seem to be able to get her attention and understanding, and mum did not feel offended or angry any more. Her initial response was that she did not wish my sister-in-law to be at the funeral, which would have been a terrible indictment and cause considerable strain on their marriage (I would imagine....). But after I explained and tried to give mum all angles to the story, she softened and said she would not mind if the grandchild/my nephew were not there on that day. "He will go visit you in your resting place, that is for sure," I assured mum, "But it's just not convenient for him to be at the funeral. You see how noisy and unruly he can become, even just at the hospital!"
So for now, a crisis seems to have been averted. And I am glad I was able to play a role in lubricating the wheels and playing the peacemaker....
18 June 2012
Talk with sister-in-law
I hadn't gone home in over two days. And I haven't showered in just as long. Brother came to the hospital with his family for lunch, and we sat around mum's bed and ate lunchboxes while watching a travel programme about Canada. Later, brother volunteered to stay at the hospital and give me an opportunity to go home and rest.
I got home, exhausted, but still had to empty the fridge a bit and go out to buy some chicken drumsticks to boil soup for mum. The fridge had not been opened for a few days, and old vegetables were going rotten and smelly. I put the chicken and mushrooms in the rice cooker to brew, and was just about to lie down when I heard my nephew playing.
It was supposed to be his nap time, but he was busy playing with his mum's makeup box. I entered their room and sat down, and handed my nephew a wooden toy. A puzzle in the shape of a caterpillar's body. Perhaps a bit advanced for his age of nine months old, but still he's a clever kid, and might be able to figure things out soon. But by the way he took the pieces and began to put them in his mouth to grind his itching gums (he's teething...), he still has a long way to go!
I played with him a little, and all the while chatted with my sister-in-law. It's rare that we do that, and I wanted to know how brother is doing.
"He's grumpy a lot these days. Every time mum's not feeling well, he gets very moody..." she said. "it's understandable, and I try not to get in his way. But his mood is very bad these days..."
She said mum's condition has really affected him, but good thing is that she revealed my brother talks to her about everything. That's what I really wanted to know: whether he has an outlet and whether he talks to someone, because growing up he never was one to open up, at least not to us the family. I told him recently that he's lucky to have a wife, and hoped that he would talk with her. And I was relieved that he does, because we all need someone close and someone we can trust to talk to in the face of something as daunting and overwhelming as the process of losing a dear one...
"He really cares about mum, but he just doesn't say it. He may be strong and buff from the outside, but he's often afraid and has a lot of trouble feeling safe and secure..." My sister-in-law told me about brother's fears of mum returning home. Not that he doesn't want her to, but just he would feel so terribly responsible should something happen to her at home. He already feels bad that she's not getting better (he told me that himself... And I told him we've all done our best, and her condition is such she'll not get better...)
"he's really done a lot in the last month or so..." he really has. He managed to get large insurance payouts, help mum redraft and legalise her will, help mum be officially registered as a hospice patient with the option of home care, he's managed to find a suitable location for mum's remains to go to, one that even mum approves of. And he's done it all while being a part time dad and a husband. That's a lot!
The talk with my sister-in-law really helped me to understand better how brother feels and where he's coming from when he's moody and demanding. And it also helps me to be closer to him and see him in a different light. All of this will help us to grow closer together and to help ease things when we come to deal with and come to terms with mum's passing and arrangements that come afterward...
I got home, exhausted, but still had to empty the fridge a bit and go out to buy some chicken drumsticks to boil soup for mum. The fridge had not been opened for a few days, and old vegetables were going rotten and smelly. I put the chicken and mushrooms in the rice cooker to brew, and was just about to lie down when I heard my nephew playing.
It was supposed to be his nap time, but he was busy playing with his mum's makeup box. I entered their room and sat down, and handed my nephew a wooden toy. A puzzle in the shape of a caterpillar's body. Perhaps a bit advanced for his age of nine months old, but still he's a clever kid, and might be able to figure things out soon. But by the way he took the pieces and began to put them in his mouth to grind his itching gums (he's teething...), he still has a long way to go!
I played with him a little, and all the while chatted with my sister-in-law. It's rare that we do that, and I wanted to know how brother is doing.
"He's grumpy a lot these days. Every time mum's not feeling well, he gets very moody..." she said. "it's understandable, and I try not to get in his way. But his mood is very bad these days..."
She said mum's condition has really affected him, but good thing is that she revealed my brother talks to her about everything. That's what I really wanted to know: whether he has an outlet and whether he talks to someone, because growing up he never was one to open up, at least not to us the family. I told him recently that he's lucky to have a wife, and hoped that he would talk with her. And I was relieved that he does, because we all need someone close and someone we can trust to talk to in the face of something as daunting and overwhelming as the process of losing a dear one...
"He really cares about mum, but he just doesn't say it. He may be strong and buff from the outside, but he's often afraid and has a lot of trouble feeling safe and secure..." My sister-in-law told me about brother's fears of mum returning home. Not that he doesn't want her to, but just he would feel so terribly responsible should something happen to her at home. He already feels bad that she's not getting better (he told me that himself... And I told him we've all done our best, and her condition is such she'll not get better...)
"he's really done a lot in the last month or so..." he really has. He managed to get large insurance payouts, help mum redraft and legalise her will, help mum be officially registered as a hospice patient with the option of home care, he's managed to find a suitable location for mum's remains to go to, one that even mum approves of. And he's done it all while being a part time dad and a husband. That's a lot!
The talk with my sister-in-law really helped me to understand better how brother feels and where he's coming from when he's moody and demanding. And it also helps me to be closer to him and see him in a different light. All of this will help us to grow closer together and to help ease things when we come to deal with and come to terms with mum's passing and arrangements that come afterward...
18 April 2012
Mess
Slept only a few hours after a late night of studying. Woke up at close to seven as the nurse came in, followed by mum's carer in the hospital. Didn't really manage to sleep more as the ward was coming to life at the start of a new day.
I wanted to wait for the doctor to come, but he did not show up today. So I grabbed a suitcase of stuff I packed earlier and left. Most likely mum can be discharged today, and slowly I must take some of the many things I've brought to the hospital home.
Arrived home to the sound of my nephew crying. He cried and cried, obviously very unwell. Before just his dad was ill, now his mother too, and inevitably my nephew also caught the flu and coughs. I kept on telling my brother when he was coughing and showing symptoms to put on a medical mask, but he wouldn't listen. And look what happened now...
The house was a mess. Clothes everywhere, suitcases strewn on the floor, bowls and baby things here and there. I know they are busy with the baby, I know they are both ill, but must it be so messy? They left within an hour of me arriving, all three of them heading to my sister-in-law's place in another part of the country. It's a good thing, as mum, if she is able to come home today, cannot afford to fall ill. With all three of them coughing and being bed-stricken, it's best if they were not here to make this a contaminated zone. I put on a mask as soon as I got home, because my brother despite my earlier warnings still did not put on a mask...
It's unfortunate, ad bad timing, though, mum about to be discharged, and coming home to just me again. My brother and his family came back, but they are gone again, so it's almost as if they didn't come back at all. The only sign of their return is the mess and unmade bed in their room, all many colourful stuffed toys belonging to my cousin lying everywhere...
I wanted to wait for the doctor to come, but he did not show up today. So I grabbed a suitcase of stuff I packed earlier and left. Most likely mum can be discharged today, and slowly I must take some of the many things I've brought to the hospital home.
Arrived home to the sound of my nephew crying. He cried and cried, obviously very unwell. Before just his dad was ill, now his mother too, and inevitably my nephew also caught the flu and coughs. I kept on telling my brother when he was coughing and showing symptoms to put on a medical mask, but he wouldn't listen. And look what happened now...
The house was a mess. Clothes everywhere, suitcases strewn on the floor, bowls and baby things here and there. I know they are busy with the baby, I know they are both ill, but must it be so messy? They left within an hour of me arriving, all three of them heading to my sister-in-law's place in another part of the country. It's a good thing, as mum, if she is able to come home today, cannot afford to fall ill. With all three of them coughing and being bed-stricken, it's best if they were not here to make this a contaminated zone. I put on a mask as soon as I got home, because my brother despite my earlier warnings still did not put on a mask...
It's unfortunate, ad bad timing, though, mum about to be discharged, and coming home to just me again. My brother and his family came back, but they are gone again, so it's almost as if they didn't come back at all. The only sign of their return is the mess and unmade bed in their room, all many colourful stuffed toys belonging to my cousin lying everywhere...
Dreamy afternoon
Having slept only a few hours at the hospital last night, because of very severe stomach cramps (I'm certain related to my uncle's passing and the conversations I had with mum about that...), I came home and wanted to take a nap. But the chance to accompany my little nephew to a children's clinic seemed too fun to miss, so I went with them.
It was pleasant to push my nephew around, pretending that I'm a dad. Of course, the real dad and mum walked behind me, hand in hand, and I was just an uncle trying to imagine what it's like to have a cute little child. As I pushed him around, I dreamed one day of having a child (or two?) of my own... How I could pamper the child, showed her/him with warmth, fun and love, teach him/her about life and the amazing things of this world. Somehow, imagining the conversation I would be having with my partner, like the ones my brother and sister-in-law have about raising the child ("He's sweating! He's too warm!" or "Oh, look at him crawl and flip over!" or "oh, look at him smiling!" or "Watch out! He's biting that thing he found on the floor!") made me smile and smile...
The doctor diagnosed my nephew with an inflammation of the intestines. Nothing too serious, but he'll need to cut down on trying out new foods for a few days. Just soupy rice and a bit of dried shredded pork and rice crackers for him now. And of course some prescribed medicine.
I was exhausted when we got back home at around ten in the morning, and dived into bed. I slept, but dreamed and dreamed a dozen dreams. I know my ex featured in one of them, but details are non-existent. I was even more tired when finally I woke up close to two.
I woke up to the sound of coughing and saw my brother and sister-in-law lie in their den. First my brother caught the cold, and now she's also hit the jackpot. Mum's in hospital, brother and his wife are ill, and so is my nephew.
I really need to be very careful...
It was pleasant to push my nephew around, pretending that I'm a dad. Of course, the real dad and mum walked behind me, hand in hand, and I was just an uncle trying to imagine what it's like to have a cute little child. As I pushed him around, I dreamed one day of having a child (or two?) of my own... How I could pamper the child, showed her/him with warmth, fun and love, teach him/her about life and the amazing things of this world. Somehow, imagining the conversation I would be having with my partner, like the ones my brother and sister-in-law have about raising the child ("He's sweating! He's too warm!" or "Oh, look at him crawl and flip over!" or "oh, look at him smiling!" or "Watch out! He's biting that thing he found on the floor!") made me smile and smile...
The doctor diagnosed my nephew with an inflammation of the intestines. Nothing too serious, but he'll need to cut down on trying out new foods for a few days. Just soupy rice and a bit of dried shredded pork and rice crackers for him now. And of course some prescribed medicine.
I was exhausted when we got back home at around ten in the morning, and dived into bed. I slept, but dreamed and dreamed a dozen dreams. I know my ex featured in one of them, but details are non-existent. I was even more tired when finally I woke up close to two.
I woke up to the sound of coughing and saw my brother and sister-in-law lie in their den. First my brother caught the cold, and now she's also hit the jackpot. Mum's in hospital, brother and his wife are ill, and so is my nephew.
I really need to be very careful...
17 April 2012
Little Rabbit is ill again...
We don't know what it is, perhaps the food or the sudden change of climate, but my nephew's been having diarrhoea since yesterday. This morning, there were three diaper-ful of soft poo.
Energy-wise, he's as jumpy and loud as before, and he's not been vomiting, so that rules out any entrovirus that's been going around young children. Maybe it's just something he ate, as my sister-in-law's been feeding him more and more foods we eat, and less now milk formula.
Hopefully he'll be back to himself soon
Energy-wise, he's as jumpy and loud as before, and he's not been vomiting, so that rules out any entrovirus that's been going around young children. Maybe it's just something he ate, as my sister-in-law's been feeding him more and more foods we eat, and less now milk formula.
Hopefully he'll be back to himself soon
31 March 2012
Farewell, Little Rabbit...
I didn't get to see my nephew again before he left this morning, even though I had hoped that my sister-in-law would bring him to at least say goodbye to mum. But my nephew started sniffing earlier this week, so te planned trip was canelled, much to my disappointment.
My sister-in-law showed me pictures of him sitting next to a suitcase as she was packing, and today there was a picture of him at the boarding gate. So cute and lovely, so beautiful and heart-warming it is to see him, even if only a picture of him...
I followed my nephew's departing plane with an application on my phone. It's so strange to think that in that very little red plane is my sister-in-law and my nephew inching bit by bit away from me...
They have almost been back here three months (I have just passed my three months mark...). Where did the time go? How come everyday feels like it is so long and painful to pass for me? Is it terrible to envy them for being able to leave here, while I stay on and on till a date of departure yet unknown?
"Farewell, Little Rabbit..." I wishes him in my heart, "May the winds be with you! And may your mother have a good restful flight!"
Till very soon.
--
On the phone a bit later with my Brother I spoke to my brother. It may be no coincidence that his wife and child are returning to Europe to reunite with him on his birthday.
"Happy birthday," I said to him, "You're very lucky to have a wife and child. Treasure them dearly."
I meant what I said, and he said he understood.
My sister-in-law showed me pictures of him sitting next to a suitcase as she was packing, and today there was a picture of him at the boarding gate. So cute and lovely, so beautiful and heart-warming it is to see him, even if only a picture of him...
I followed my nephew's departing plane with an application on my phone. It's so strange to think that in that very little red plane is my sister-in-law and my nephew inching bit by bit away from me...
They have almost been back here three months (I have just passed my three months mark...). Where did the time go? How come everyday feels like it is so long and painful to pass for me? Is it terrible to envy them for being able to leave here, while I stay on and on till a date of departure yet unknown?
"Farewell, Little Rabbit..." I wishes him in my heart, "May the winds be with you! And may your mother have a good restful flight!"
Till very soon.
--
On the phone a bit later with my Brother I spoke to my brother. It may be no coincidence that his wife and child are returning to Europe to reunite with him on his birthday.
"Happy birthday," I said to him, "You're very lucky to have a wife and child. Treasure them dearly."
I meant what I said, and he said he understood.
26 March 2012
Little rabbit is ill
My nephew is ill, I believe for the first time in his life, as far as I know. On facebook, my sister-in-law posted a picture of him asleep, with the caption that he's been having a runny nose and trouble sleeping.
From the picture he looked very tired, a contrast from the very active, and ape times loud!, baby I've grown to love having around.
I hope it's a small cols, and that his little body will fight it off soon. it's sad to hear that he's unwell. And now mum won't get to see her grandchild as planned this week, even though he's leaving the country in a few days (that is still pending on mum's condition...).
They will most likely, as I spoke with my brother, be back very soon, probably the middle of April or so. But if mum's condition continues to deteriorate, I may have to keep my sister-in-law and nephew here and call my brother back ASAP...
Get well soon, my dear little rabbit!
From the picture he looked very tired, a contrast from the very active, and ape times loud!, baby I've grown to love having around.
I hope it's a small cols, and that his little body will fight it off soon. it's sad to hear that he's unwell. And now mum won't get to see her grandchild as planned this week, even though he's leaving the country in a few days (that is still pending on mum's condition...).
They will most likely, as I spoke with my brother, be back very soon, probably the middle of April or so. But if mum's condition continues to deteriorate, I may have to keep my sister-in-law and nephew here and call my brother back ASAP...
Get well soon, my dear little rabbit!
22 March 2012
Visit
22032012.1348
My sister-in-law and her family took an early train from another part of the country to come see mum. My brother's mother-in-law even took some time off work to come up north when she heard from my sister-in-law that mum is very thin and sickly.
It was a brief visit, less than an hour it lasted, but it brought many smiles to mum's face, even though she was very tired. My sister-in-law's family (including her mum and her two aunts) came and were very encouraging. None of that "you will get better" speech (which at times may be very disparaging and so fake to hear when everyone knows things may not get better....). They were there for just the right amount of time, and said just the right amount of words of encouragement and hope. They kept on telling mum not to think too much, telling mum that she is very brave and that she has done so much in life, least of all raised two fine children to be good people. What else does one want out of life? I squeezed mum's arms and winked at her, and gave her that "See, told you so" look.
The greatest source of mum's happiness and comfort, my nephew, was there too. He smiled when he saw mum, and made mum smile so much back, smile so much more than she has smiled in a long time. A true, lasting smile, or at least as lasting as my nephew was around, which was a priceless distraction from her pains and suffering.
There was a moment when my nephew's milk bottle was on mum's hospital bed. It was a bottle, just like the one that was hanging upside up in midair and pumping liquid nutrition into mum's veins. What crossed my mind, though admittedly it was a grim thought, was the contrast between beginning of life and the end of life... the stark, cruel, yet beautiful contrast between a (relatively) newborn and healthy child who is full of life and an ill and sad woman whose life is draining out of her body... She was once young and lively, and he will one day grow old and get ill too. The difference is in the timing, and somehow in this great big universe, my nephew and mum's lives have miraculously and preciously been destined to coincide.
My nephew jumped around and giggled, making everyone laugh and was of course the centre of much conversation. He has grown a lot, and grows ever more endearing that I am really falling for him and missing him when he is not around... So powerful the lure of a child's magical innocence and untainted beauty!
I played with him a bit, hugged him so tightly and rubbed my cheeks against his warm face. Temporarily I closed my eyes and quietly, from the bottom of my heart: "Thank you for making mum so happy... Thank you for giving us hope and strength.... Thank you for making me feel so loved..." He just looked at me an drooled and with his cute little fingers pulled at my face and of hair.
As intended, and as part of "Operation Reunion", my family was again brought together (though brother was sadly missing...) to make memorable memories. Memories that one day, when we look back, when some of us may no longer be around, can make us all happily reminisce with warmth in our hearts and smiles on our faces. And, as I wished, and I am sure that it is a wish mum shares though never really expressed, mum had the priceless opportunity to spend even more moments with her grandson, to see him laugh, to see him jump, to see him grow, and to see that he is surrounded and showered with love from so many who care about him.
All this is so very beautiful, so very, very touching...
My sister-in-law and her family took an early train from another part of the country to come see mum. My brother's mother-in-law even took some time off work to come up north when she heard from my sister-in-law that mum is very thin and sickly.
It was a brief visit, less than an hour it lasted, but it brought many smiles to mum's face, even though she was very tired. My sister-in-law's family (including her mum and her two aunts) came and were very encouraging. None of that "you will get better" speech (which at times may be very disparaging and so fake to hear when everyone knows things may not get better....). They were there for just the right amount of time, and said just the right amount of words of encouragement and hope. They kept on telling mum not to think too much, telling mum that she is very brave and that she has done so much in life, least of all raised two fine children to be good people. What else does one want out of life? I squeezed mum's arms and winked at her, and gave her that "See, told you so" look.
The greatest source of mum's happiness and comfort, my nephew, was there too. He smiled when he saw mum, and made mum smile so much back, smile so much more than she has smiled in a long time. A true, lasting smile, or at least as lasting as my nephew was around, which was a priceless distraction from her pains and suffering.
There was a moment when my nephew's milk bottle was on mum's hospital bed. It was a bottle, just like the one that was hanging upside up in midair and pumping liquid nutrition into mum's veins. What crossed my mind, though admittedly it was a grim thought, was the contrast between beginning of life and the end of life... the stark, cruel, yet beautiful contrast between a (relatively) newborn and healthy child who is full of life and an ill and sad woman whose life is draining out of her body... She was once young and lively, and he will one day grow old and get ill too. The difference is in the timing, and somehow in this great big universe, my nephew and mum's lives have miraculously and preciously been destined to coincide.
My nephew jumped around and giggled, making everyone laugh and was of course the centre of much conversation. He has grown a lot, and grows ever more endearing that I am really falling for him and missing him when he is not around... So powerful the lure of a child's magical innocence and untainted beauty!
I played with him a bit, hugged him so tightly and rubbed my cheeks against his warm face. Temporarily I closed my eyes and quietly, from the bottom of my heart: "Thank you for making mum so happy... Thank you for giving us hope and strength.... Thank you for making me feel so loved..." He just looked at me an drooled and with his cute little fingers pulled at my face and of hair.
As intended, and as part of "Operation Reunion", my family was again brought together (though brother was sadly missing...) to make memorable memories. Memories that one day, when we look back, when some of us may no longer be around, can make us all happily reminisce with warmth in our hearts and smiles on our faces. And, as I wished, and I am sure that it is a wish mum shares though never really expressed, mum had the priceless opportunity to spend even more moments with her grandson, to see him laugh, to see him jump, to see him grow, and to see that he is surrounded and showered with love from so many who care about him.
All this is so very beautiful, so very, very touching...
17 March 2012
A-ma
"A-ma is ill..." mum said weakly as my sister-in-law and nephew walked into the room. Mum moved her upper body in an attempt to reach for her
grandchild, but she was too tired, too weak to get up.
"A-ma will get better!" my sister in law said as she carried the baby onto the bed.
Mum smiled seeing her grandson, and my nephew stuck his tongue out and started smiling, started drooling.
Mum's source of happiness, her source joy was at her side again... Her grandson may not heal her wounds, may not be able to soothe her constant numbness and sores, but he can make her smile and make her forget, if only temporarily, she is ill and leaving soon.
There is nothing more beautiful, nothing more precious.
(*A-ma is Taiwanese for grandma.)
"A-ma will get better!" my sister in law said as she carried the baby onto the bed.
Mum smiled seeing her grandson, and my nephew stuck his tongue out and started smiling, started drooling. Mum's source of happiness, her source joy was at her side again... Her grandson may not heal her wounds, may not be able to soothe her constant numbness and sores, but he can make her smile and make her forget, if only temporarily, she is ill and leaving soon.
There is nothing more beautiful, nothing more precious.
(*A-ma is Taiwanese for grandma.)
03 March 2012
I miss him so...
It's been a long, long time since I last saw him or spoke to him. And truth be told, I do miss him very much, more than I like to admit...
Almost daily, I look at his picture and smile. His face, his eyes, his body reminds me so much of our moments together, of the way I held him, touched him and stroked him...
I must admit, for a long time, I didn't really think much of him, even when people kept on telling me how special he is. But it took me time to realise how much joy and warmth he brings to my life, to realise how, despite own brief-lasting moments of intimacy together, he has grown in in importance in my life. I look at his picture, and all I have to do is close my eyes and remember the happy moments we spent together, and my heart races with joy and excitement.
I yearn to see his smile, yearn to smell his scent, to feel the warmth of his body as he lies next to me... I would like to see him everyday, to talk to him, but I can't. I don't know how. Who am I to him really, who am I to him in this great big world? But he showed me a whole meaning of what love means. He brought me so much joy, such much innocent joy that I seemed to have forgotten.
When can I see him again? When can I hold him close and breathe in deep and let his scent fill my nostril and senses? I look forward to the day when I can kiss his cheeks, and dig my head snugly into his belly as he plays with my face, plays with on the strands of my hair. I look forward to the day when he can lie next to me, look me so intensely in the eyes and when we can fall asleep together.
I miss you so...
I truly do miss you, Little Rabbit!
Almost daily, I look at his picture and smile. His face, his eyes, his body reminds me so much of our moments together, of the way I held him, touched him and stroked him...
I must admit, for a long time, I didn't really think much of him, even when people kept on telling me how special he is. But it took me time to realise how much joy and warmth he brings to my life, to realise how, despite own brief-lasting moments of intimacy together, he has grown in in importance in my life. I look at his picture, and all I have to do is close my eyes and remember the happy moments we spent together, and my heart races with joy and excitement.
I yearn to see his smile, yearn to smell his scent, to feel the warmth of his body as he lies next to me... I would like to see him everyday, to talk to him, but I can't. I don't know how. Who am I to him really, who am I to him in this great big world? But he showed me a whole meaning of what love means. He brought me so much joy, such much innocent joy that I seemed to have forgotten.
When can I see him again? When can I hold him close and breathe in deep and let his scent fill my nostril and senses? I look forward to the day when I can kiss his cheeks, and dig my head snugly into his belly as he plays with my face, plays with on the strands of my hair. I look forward to the day when he can lie next to me, look me so intensely in the eyes and when we can fall asleep together.
I miss you so...
I truly do miss you, Little Rabbit!
02 March 2012
Day two
The IV drips and medicine to soothe mum's stomach upsets have
helped, and mum did not vomit as much ( though she still did vomit).
Lunch time, she even ate a little bowl of rice and some vegetables and
fish. It's progress, given that within an hour or so she would be
bending over the toilet bowl and pouring her guts out. That didn't
happen.
But mum slept poorly, if at all last night. It may be due to the IV drips, which cause many visits to the washrooms (after all, it's all bags of liquid with nutrients and minerals). Other than that, she says her bones are very sore. I got up numerous times during the night to massage her bones. Her thin, thin bones, some of which you can feel is sharp around the edges, because the layer of skin around the bones have thinned so much, because she has on the whole thinned so much. It is hard to sleep when I hear her next to me turning and twisting.
Mum was very tired the whole morning, and that caused her to be moody. I meant well and wanted to take her for a walk. Again, I arranged for another surprise visit by her grandchild and my sister-in-law. But it was hard to get her out, and at one point she angrily told me to ask them to go home, because she just didn't bother going downstairs to meet them...
"But have you seen how you smile and laugh when you hold your grandson? Isn't that the best medicine..." I was hurt, for the little surprise was close to being ruined. There have been plenty of moments in the past month or so when my attempts to do little special things are met with rejection or even irritation and anger, even though I only mean well. I hurt, but I remind myself it is not mum who is angry. It is her illness, her fatigue, both mental and physical, that is causing her to be moody and irate. I tell myself to just bear with it...
Eventually, mum did go
down to meet my sister-in-law and nephew who were waiting there. Within
seconds of seeing them, mum smiled, and smiled, and smiled. I went to
pick up some bread and fresh juice, and mum had it together with her
grandson. "See," I said later, "Is there anything more special than
breakfast with your grandchild?" She smiled in reply.
I again stayed 22hours before my cousin came by and gave me an hour or two to go home, rest and shower. When I got home, it was empty. To think, only yesterday when I went home, I opened the door to the shriek and giggle of my nephew. And now, the house was empty and so very quiet. There was still the smell of his baby oil in the air, and in the washroom was his special little bathtub. I suddenly felt so sad, and then I realised again how much I have grown attached to my nephew's presence, and how much I miss his presence.
His being, his very small hands, his big eyes, his cute little red cheeks are together the source of hope and encouragement. The way he now jumps up and down, the way he likes to wiggle and dance, the way he likes to stare and drool when he sees other people eating can wipe away all the accumulated tiredness and anxiety away. I really do miss him, more than I realise. Because he really has been a source of relief and joy in mum's life, and in mine.
When I said goodbye to him, and to my sister-in-law, I suspected it would perhaps been a long while till I see him again.
And I look forward to that day. I am sure mum does too.
But mum slept poorly, if at all last night. It may be due to the IV drips, which cause many visits to the washrooms (after all, it's all bags of liquid with nutrients and minerals). Other than that, she says her bones are very sore. I got up numerous times during the night to massage her bones. Her thin, thin bones, some of which you can feel is sharp around the edges, because the layer of skin around the bones have thinned so much, because she has on the whole thinned so much. It is hard to sleep when I hear her next to me turning and twisting.
Mum was very tired the whole morning, and that caused her to be moody. I meant well and wanted to take her for a walk. Again, I arranged for another surprise visit by her grandchild and my sister-in-law. But it was hard to get her out, and at one point she angrily told me to ask them to go home, because she just didn't bother going downstairs to meet them...
"But have you seen how you smile and laugh when you hold your grandson? Isn't that the best medicine..." I was hurt, for the little surprise was close to being ruined. There have been plenty of moments in the past month or so when my attempts to do little special things are met with rejection or even irritation and anger, even though I only mean well. I hurt, but I remind myself it is not mum who is angry. It is her illness, her fatigue, both mental and physical, that is causing her to be moody and irate. I tell myself to just bear with it...
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I again stayed 22hours before my cousin came by and gave me an hour or two to go home, rest and shower. When I got home, it was empty. To think, only yesterday when I went home, I opened the door to the shriek and giggle of my nephew. And now, the house was empty and so very quiet. There was still the smell of his baby oil in the air, and in the washroom was his special little bathtub. I suddenly felt so sad, and then I realised again how much I have grown attached to my nephew's presence, and how much I miss his presence.
His being, his very small hands, his big eyes, his cute little red cheeks are together the source of hope and encouragement. The way he now jumps up and down, the way he likes to wiggle and dance, the way he likes to stare and drool when he sees other people eating can wipe away all the accumulated tiredness and anxiety away. I really do miss him, more than I realise. Because he really has been a source of relief and joy in mum's life, and in mine.
When I said goodbye to him, and to my sister-in-law, I suspected it would perhaps been a long while till I see him again.
And I look forward to that day. I am sure mum does too.
Day two
The IV drips and medicine to soothe mum's stomach upsets have helped, and mum did not vomit as much ( though she still did vomit). Lunch time, she even ate a little bowl of rice and some vegetables and fish. It's progress, given that within an hour or so she would be bending over the toilet bowl and pouring her guts out. That didn't happen.
But mum slept poorly, if at all last night. It may be due to the IV drips, which cause many visits to the washrooms (after all, it's all bags of liquid with nutrients and minerals). Other than that, she says her bones are very sore. I got up numerous times during the night to massage her bones. Her thin, thin bones, some of which you can feel is sharp around the edges, because the layer of skin around the bones have thinned so much, because she has on the whole thinned so much. It is hard to sleep when I hear her next to me turning and twisting.
Mum was very tired the whole morning, and that caused her to be moody. I meant well and wanted to take her for a walk. Again, I arranged for another surprise visit by her grandchild and my sister-in-law. But it was hard to get her out, and at one point she angrily told me to ask them to go home, because she just didn't bother going downstairs to meet them...
"But have you seen how you smile and laugh when you hold your grandson? Isn't that the best medicine..." I was hurt, for the little surprise was close to being ruined. There have been plenty of moments in the past month or so when my attempts to do little special things are met with rejection or even irritation and anger, even though I only mean well. I hurt, but I remind myself it is not mum who is angry. It is her illness, her fatigue, both mental and physical, that is causing her to be moody and irate. I tell myself to just bear with it...
Eventually, mum did go down to meet my sister-in-law and nephew who were waiting there. Within seconds of seeing them, mum smiled, and smiled, and smiled. I went to pick up some bread and fresh juice, and mum had it together with her grandson. "See," I said later, "Is there anything more special than breakfast with your grandchild?" She smiled in reply.
I again stayed 22hours before my cousin came by and gave me an hour or two to go home, rest and shower. When I got home, it was empty. To think, only yesterday when I went home, I opened the door to the shriek and giggle of my nephew. And now, the house was empty and so very quiet. There was still the smell of his baby oil in the air, and in the washroom was his special little bathtub. I suddenly felt so sad, and then I realised again how much I have grown attached to my nephew's presence, and how much I miss his presence.
His being, his very small hands, his big eyes, his cute little red cheeks are together the source of hope and encouragement. The way he now jumps up and down, the way he likes to wiggle and dance, the way he likes to stare and drool when he sees other people eating can wipe away all the accumulated tiredness and anxiety away. I really do miss him, more than I realise. Because he really has been a source of relief and joy in mum's life, and in mine.
When I said goodbye to him, and to my sister-in-law, I suspected it would perhaps been a long while till I see him again.
And I look forward to that day. I am sure mum does too.
But mum slept poorly, if at all last night. It may be due to the IV drips, which cause many visits to the washrooms (after all, it's all bags of liquid with nutrients and minerals). Other than that, she says her bones are very sore. I got up numerous times during the night to massage her bones. Her thin, thin bones, some of which you can feel is sharp around the edges, because the layer of skin around the bones have thinned so much, because she has on the whole thinned so much. It is hard to sleep when I hear her next to me turning and twisting.
Mum was very tired the whole morning, and that caused her to be moody. I meant well and wanted to take her for a walk. Again, I arranged for another surprise visit by her grandchild and my sister-in-law. But it was hard to get her out, and at one point she angrily told me to ask them to go home, because she just didn't bother going downstairs to meet them...
"But have you seen how you smile and laugh when you hold your grandson? Isn't that the best medicine..." I was hurt, for the little surprise was close to being ruined. There have been plenty of moments in the past month or so when my attempts to do little special things are met with rejection or even irritation and anger, even though I only mean well. I hurt, but I remind myself it is not mum who is angry. It is her illness, her fatigue, both mental and physical, that is causing her to be moody and irate. I tell myself to just bear with it...
Eventually, mum did go down to meet my sister-in-law and nephew who were waiting there. Within seconds of seeing them, mum smiled, and smiled, and smiled. I went to pick up some bread and fresh juice, and mum had it together with her grandson. "See," I said later, "Is there anything more special than breakfast with your grandchild?" She smiled in reply.
I again stayed 22hours before my cousin came by and gave me an hour or two to go home, rest and shower. When I got home, it was empty. To think, only yesterday when I went home, I opened the door to the shriek and giggle of my nephew. And now, the house was empty and so very quiet. There was still the smell of his baby oil in the air, and in the washroom was his special little bathtub. I suddenly felt so sad, and then I realised again how much I have grown attached to my nephew's presence, and how much I miss his presence.
His being, his very small hands, his big eyes, his cute little red cheeks are together the source of hope and encouragement. The way he now jumps up and down, the way he likes to wiggle and dance, the way he likes to stare and drool when he sees other people eating can wipe away all the accumulated tiredness and anxiety away. I really do miss him, more than I realise. Because he really has been a source of relief and joy in mum's life, and in mine.
When I said goodbye to him, and to my sister-in-law, I suspected it would perhaps been a long while till I see him again.
And I look forward to that day. I am sure mum does too.
27 January 2012
One day return
11.02
South of the Juoshui Creek, outside the window is the vast countryside. The sky is much clearer, and cleaner, as if an hour's train ride later I find myself in another country. A more tranquil and familiar country.
A one day trip to my parents' hometown of Chiayi to meet relatives from both sides of the family. My Brother and sister-in-law, and baby nephew, are meeting me at the destination station. In fact, I saw them board at a midway stop, a city where they have been for the past couple of days to be with my sister-in-law's family.
Having lunch with mum's side of the family, and then dinner with dad's side. Then taking a late evening train to be back in Taipei for bed. Before I left, mum was still in bed, having been slept poorly the night before from coughing. The cold spell and her weak Health has caused the first symptoms of the flu to manifest. I too slept terribly, and only managed to doze off at four or so, and having to wake up at eight...
A long day begins.
A one day return trip.
"One day we will all return to where we came from"...
--
20.20
A long day is almost ending, now hurtling at close to 300km/hr northward toward Taipei.
I am tired, and my stomach is churning terribly from the stress of trying to catch the high speed train. My nephew was crying and howling almost the whole way to the train station, as he has been out the whole day and must be grumpy from not being able to rest.
It has been a full day, meeting a lot of people, and for my nephew it must have been strenuous having so many people incessantly poking their faces close to his, and wanting to hold him. And for the first time, my nephew, the first child of the next generation of my family, appeared at the home of my grandparents and paid respects to the ancestral shrine. It was a momentous event in a culture that values greatly paying homage to the elders, that values family ties and the continuation of the family lineage. The black and white picture of my grandpa and grandma (my dad's parents) looked down at my brother holding his little baby. Was it me, or did the portraits look particularly happy at that very moment? Were I alone, I would have burst out in tears of joy from how that moment again touched my heart so profoundly.
Lunch and dinner are just occasions to get everyone together, and to let everyone see my nephew for the first time. I ate little, just enough to fill my stomach, while the rest of the time listened to others speak and tried to fill others in on mum's condition. "Where is mum?" they would ask, and I, as the spokesperson of sorts, would have to answer how mum is not well and briefly explain the past four weeks. I spared the details. I know people care, and people like to know. What use are details but the finer lines and shades of a broader picture that more or less speaks for itself?
"When are you going back to Canada?" or some variation on the same theme, was a common question. "I don't know. Depends on mum's condition..." For the past four years or so, this seems to have become my standard answer every time someone asks when I am leaving again.
My dad's youngest brother, never one to be careful and tactful with words, told me, twice, three times, no less: "Your mum's condition is very bad. She doesn't have long. Come back here and take care of her."
I replied with a forced smile, not one that is happy or sad, not one that agreed or disagreed, but one that was a mere polite acknowledgement that I heard what he said.
Lunch and dinner were mere occasions to get people together. But the one person I really wanted to see, but did not manage to, was my uncle (dad's older sister's husband). News of him is vague. Last i heard, my uncle's thyroid gland was the epicentre of his spreading cancer. "One month, or two," a cousin of mine, who happens to be a nurse, said, "Very quick..."
My uncle was discharged from hospital this morning, and returned home after a five week stay, almost two weeks longer than my mum. He even stayed over during first few days of the lunar new year holidays, underlying the direness of his condition, for only intensive care units remain open suing this period.
I spoke to my aunt (his wife) briefly, and she said it was not convenient to visit. I understood. My uncle's daughter told me the other day on the phone that my uncle is doing treatment. A treatment of "last resort", to make sure he is comfortable and his sickness does not cause him too much suffering. I too understood what that meant. There is a special ward for patients like that at the hospital where mum visits, and I wondered whether my uncle was in such a ward.
My uncle's son did manage to come to dinner, and from him I could confirm that my uncle's condition is bleak. He said little, but what he said was enough. "It's not easy. You must know how it is too... We must be strong."
Strong we must be... Strong, brave, unflinching and still find reasons and hope to go on with life when one by one loved ones are slowly, slowly deprived of life...
08 January 2012
48 hours
I just got home from the hospital. I didnt come home to rest or shower at all in the last forty-eight hours. Constantly I was at the hospital, next to mum, taking care of her every need. Very tired, but a fulfilling kind of tiredness. I would have stayed tonight again, but mum told me to come home, for she says she will be fine and actually sleep much better if I were not around...
Last night, I for some strange reason could not sleep, and had to get up early this morning, for my brother's mother-in-law came to visit. We had a nice time together, and it was the first time that both grandmas and the grandchild were together in one place. Again, I watched from a distance and started to tear. What a beautiful scenery, of two middle aged women, both single, and yet brought together by a marriage, brought together by the common joy of a grandchild. I can see in their eyes, in their smiles their genuine happiness, their true joy and pride...
We took mum out of the hospital today for lunch. We had to hide her under a blanket and large shawl so that her hospital gown was not showing. It was fun and felt very naughty, even though all we needed to do Was just tell the nurses we were going out for lunch. We went to a fancy restaurant, the first time for mum in two weeks or so, and the first time for me since I got back (otherwise, every meal has been some kind of take away...). Though mum's voice is still very lost and coarse, I could see she was enjoying herself a lot, being among family, and being surrounded by both her children (and daughter-in-law), and by her grandchild...
Im retiring soon... I just hope mum will be alright by herself...
07 January 2012
Meeting her grandson
07012012
10.32
I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.
I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...
What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.
This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.
22.54
Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.
Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?
Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.
My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.
I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.
To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...
I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.
Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...
10.32
I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.
I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...
What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.
This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.
22.54
Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.
Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?
Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.
My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.
I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.
To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...
I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.
Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...
06 December 2011
My nephew
I don't know what overcame me. I stood behind my brother and my
sister-in-law, who were bent over the crib, laughing and tickling my
little nephew. There were soft little giggles, and on his face was the
clear expression of innocence and joy. I started to tear...
I looked away and blinked the soft, gentle shedding of tears away. Is there anything more important than family? Is there anything more beautiful than a couple playing with and talking to their newborn child?
I was touched. All the years of uncertainty in my family, all the years of facing illness and death, at last a sign of the beauty and irresistible energy of birth and life. All the travelling I did, all the little gifts I bought, all the hoping and expectations, and this was the reward... To see my brother and his family happy and safe, basking in the warm, gentle surroundings of a comfortable home, a loving cat, and love. What else does anyone need in life, what else does anyone ever want that is not already in this very scene that made me tear?
"Grandma doesn't want to come see you..." my brother said, teasing. I know deep down how much he would have wanted mum to be with us on this special day. On my nephew's first (Dutch) Christmas, on the day when miracles come true, on the day children are surprised with great gifts. Mum could only share our joy, and look at that empty chair next to me in pictures, and imagine herself sitting there...
"Grandma doesn't love you..." brother said, jestering. But in truth, and my brother knows it too, mum loves her grandson more than anyone can describe it. He is the reason why she learned to use Skype and Facebook, because she wants to see and hear her godson grow and grow every single day. Mum may not have had the chance to travel to see my nephew in person, but her love is expressed in her smile and laughter whenever she hears him gurgle and giggle, whenever she sees him exercising his arms and feet in his crib. Her love is expressed in the way she buys him towels, clothes and goodies and sends them by express air packages. And is not setting up a special bank account for her grandson so that one day, even when she is no longer around, he can go to university without having to worry too much costs, not another way of showing him how much she loves him?
My brother picked up my nephew, and sister-in-law played with his little arms and feet. I smiled at them with moist eyes.
How lucky I am to be an uncle...
How fortunate I am to share in the joys and wonders this little boy has brought to my family...
I looked away and blinked the soft, gentle shedding of tears away. Is there anything more important than family? Is there anything more beautiful than a couple playing with and talking to their newborn child?
I was touched. All the years of uncertainty in my family, all the years of facing illness and death, at last a sign of the beauty and irresistible energy of birth and life. All the travelling I did, all the little gifts I bought, all the hoping and expectations, and this was the reward... To see my brother and his family happy and safe, basking in the warm, gentle surroundings of a comfortable home, a loving cat, and love. What else does anyone need in life, what else does anyone ever want that is not already in this very scene that made me tear?
"Grandma doesn't want to come see you..." my brother said, teasing. I know deep down how much he would have wanted mum to be with us on this special day. On my nephew's first (Dutch) Christmas, on the day when miracles come true, on the day children are surprised with great gifts. Mum could only share our joy, and look at that empty chair next to me in pictures, and imagine herself sitting there...
"Grandma doesn't love you..." brother said, jestering. But in truth, and my brother knows it too, mum loves her grandson more than anyone can describe it. He is the reason why she learned to use Skype and Facebook, because she wants to see and hear her godson grow and grow every single day. Mum may not have had the chance to travel to see my nephew in person, but her love is expressed in her smile and laughter whenever she hears him gurgle and giggle, whenever she sees him exercising his arms and feet in his crib. Her love is expressed in the way she buys him towels, clothes and goodies and sends them by express air packages. And is not setting up a special bank account for her grandson so that one day, even when she is no longer around, he can go to university without having to worry too much costs, not another way of showing him how much she loves him?
My brother picked up my nephew, and sister-in-law played with his little arms and feet. I smiled at them with moist eyes.
How lucky I am to be an uncle...
How fortunate I am to share in the joys and wonders this little boy has brought to my family...
03 December 2011
Homecoming
Homecoming
3 Dec
Not many know about my return home. My mum knows, my brother and his family know, and two friends also know too. And I asked them not to tell. As far as everyone else is concerned, I'm still home in montreal, going about my routine...
A main part of the reason why this trip is done in (almost complete) secrecy is because I'm saving up and building up the suspense and the curiosity till the day I surprise my friend.
Another is because I'm always wary not to advertise too much nowadays where I'm going, because people might just have the wrong impression of me. Yes, I travel a lot. Yes, I have the means to do so and don't have to think too much about money and obligations like work, but I travel mainly to visit family, and not to go on so exotic vacation and indulge in luxury. And to me that's always a reason to travel, or at least I tell myself so.
My brother insisted on picking me up at the airport. Not just in the car, but he insisted on going inside to the arrivals terminal to greet me as I come out. The last time someone did that was my ex, in Vancouver, and it is a welcome, wonderful feeling.
I saw them almost immediately, and they greeted me with a smile. My sister-in-law stood next to my brother, who had a little baby his arms. "Hello! Who's this?" I asked jokingly.
My nephew, my beautiful, beautiful nephew, whom I've only seen in pictures and videos. Now, for the first time, I was seeing and stroking softly on the cheeks for the first time in his life, for the first time in my life. My heart lit up in a way I never imagined possible. Right in front of, the source of joy in many people's lives, especially that of mum's. I smiled and stroked his thin hair while he looked at me with big, curious eyes.
I gave my brother an semi hug, awkward as he had my nephew, and I gave my sister-in-law three kisses on the cheeks. "Welcome home to Holland!" she wished me. I looked around the terminal building... At the big Heineken advertising in the distance, at the bouquets of tulips at the florist, the pungent smell of coffee in air, mixed with a cacophony of chatter in Dutch In the background. All these familuar sights and sounds of home, triggering memories of my youth and childhood to flood gently flow back. Home again, after a year and a half away...
Best of all, it felt wonderful to be reunited with family...
3 Dec
Not many know about my return home. My mum knows, my brother and his family know, and two friends also know too. And I asked them not to tell. As far as everyone else is concerned, I'm still home in montreal, going about my routine...
A main part of the reason why this trip is done in (almost complete) secrecy is because I'm saving up and building up the suspense and the curiosity till the day I surprise my friend.
Another is because I'm always wary not to advertise too much nowadays where I'm going, because people might just have the wrong impression of me. Yes, I travel a lot. Yes, I have the means to do so and don't have to think too much about money and obligations like work, but I travel mainly to visit family, and not to go on so exotic vacation and indulge in luxury. And to me that's always a reason to travel, or at least I tell myself so.
My brother insisted on picking me up at the airport. Not just in the car, but he insisted on going inside to the arrivals terminal to greet me as I come out. The last time someone did that was my ex, in Vancouver, and it is a welcome, wonderful feeling.
I saw them almost immediately, and they greeted me with a smile. My sister-in-law stood next to my brother, who had a little baby his arms. "Hello! Who's this?" I asked jokingly.
My nephew, my beautiful, beautiful nephew, whom I've only seen in pictures and videos. Now, for the first time, I was seeing and stroking softly on the cheeks for the first time in his life, for the first time in my life. My heart lit up in a way I never imagined possible. Right in front of, the source of joy in many people's lives, especially that of mum's. I smiled and stroked his thin hair while he looked at me with big, curious eyes.
I gave my brother an semi hug, awkward as he had my nephew, and I gave my sister-in-law three kisses on the cheeks. "Welcome home to Holland!" she wished me. I looked around the terminal building... At the big Heineken advertising in the distance, at the bouquets of tulips at the florist, the pungent smell of coffee in air, mixed with a cacophony of chatter in Dutch In the background. All these familuar sights and sounds of home, triggering memories of my youth and childhood to flood gently flow back. Home again, after a year and a half away...
Best of all, it felt wonderful to be reunited with family...
YUL-LHR
YUL-LHR
Another flight, another night spent on the plane. I know I promised myself I wouldn't travel, but here I am flying away again...
At least the flight is pretty empty, and I can stretch out over two seats, and hopefully catch a wink before the five hours or so is up. I feel like I haven't really slept much over the past two weeks or so. Just rushing here and there, and at night working till late in the morning, either on my thesis, or over the last couple of days, on the special scrapbook for my ex's birthday. The lack of sleep, the tiredness and red eyes are all worth it, for finally i have (almost) completed my thesis and therefore also the degree I began over three years ago.
It means a heavy burden off my shoulders, and time to move onto something else... the tiredness, lack of sleep and red eyes are worth it also if only to see the beautiful surprise on my friend's face when he pieces together the little surprises and clues to realise what I've been planning (plotting!) all these months, if only to make him smile again, especially after a lot of hurt and pain I've caused him, especially what we've both endured in recent times.
Of course, I'm not just going to surprise him at his house. I'm also journeying to see my brother and his new family, and importantly see my nephew for the first time. How special is that.... I used to get so excited and become so touched by my godson, but imagine now I have a baby in my own family, a baby who is related to me, and in some distant way, a part of me.
This afternoon, I rushed to the bookstore to pick out some gifts for my nephew. At the baby section, I just grabbed these colourful and beautiful and cute books. I didn't even look at the prices, and just put them all into my basket. It ended up costing over a hundred dollars, but I didn't think too much of it...
Because it's for my nephew... Because I want him, even though I've never even met him yet, to have the best of everything, and since the day i learned if his existence, i vowed silently that I'll try and provide what I can to give him a boost in life (on top of what my brother and sister-in-law provide to him, of course.) Since my brother asked me the other day to pick out some English language books, I've been browsing online for them and getting excited myself by all the possible things I could get for him...
And soon, I'll deliver it all into my nephew's hands.
Another flight, another night spent on the plane. I know I promised myself I wouldn't travel, but here I am flying away again...
At least the flight is pretty empty, and I can stretch out over two seats, and hopefully catch a wink before the five hours or so is up. I feel like I haven't really slept much over the past two weeks or so. Just rushing here and there, and at night working till late in the morning, either on my thesis, or over the last couple of days, on the special scrapbook for my ex's birthday. The lack of sleep, the tiredness and red eyes are all worth it, for finally i have (almost) completed my thesis and therefore also the degree I began over three years ago.
It means a heavy burden off my shoulders, and time to move onto something else... the tiredness, lack of sleep and red eyes are worth it also if only to see the beautiful surprise on my friend's face when he pieces together the little surprises and clues to realise what I've been planning (plotting!) all these months, if only to make him smile again, especially after a lot of hurt and pain I've caused him, especially what we've both endured in recent times.
Of course, I'm not just going to surprise him at his house. I'm also journeying to see my brother and his new family, and importantly see my nephew for the first time. How special is that.... I used to get so excited and become so touched by my godson, but imagine now I have a baby in my own family, a baby who is related to me, and in some distant way, a part of me.
This afternoon, I rushed to the bookstore to pick out some gifts for my nephew. At the baby section, I just grabbed these colourful and beautiful and cute books. I didn't even look at the prices, and just put them all into my basket. It ended up costing over a hundred dollars, but I didn't think too much of it...
Because it's for my nephew... Because I want him, even though I've never even met him yet, to have the best of everything, and since the day i learned if his existence, i vowed silently that I'll try and provide what I can to give him a boost in life (on top of what my brother and sister-in-law provide to him, of course.) Since my brother asked me the other day to pick out some English language books, I've been browsing online for them and getting excited myself by all the possible things I could get for him...
And soon, I'll deliver it all into my nephew's hands.
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